Monday, 27 October 2014

The Sweet Spot

This month was the sweet spot.

If I had got pregnant this month I would be on target for that coveted 2 year gap between children.

You'll notice already I used the past tense. I'm going to dispense with the suspense; I'm not pregnant.

I am, however, on my fourth period since restarting that particular ladies treat. Bizarrely I seem to be menstruating, and therefore I guess ovulating, like a pro. Almost to the day on schedule.

I haven't called the Doctor to get a frozen embryo bunged back in, even though a couple of months ago I was fixed on October for getting back on the medicalised conception track. I haven't for a number of reasons.

Really rational, sensible reasons:
  • I want to get back in to the swing of work before I have another nine months of morning sickness
  • I need to save a bunch of money to afford to do it again
  • As I seem to be ovulating I should give the old fashioned approach to procreation a few more months.
But they aren't the real reasons. The real reason I haven't called the Doctor is because, at the moment, I have two frozen embryos waiting to become a baby (/babies). 

At the moment I have hope, time and anticipation on my side. As soon as one goes back in, if it fails, I then only have one more chance, and once that is used up there will be no more IVF - it is my last chance.

I want to keep the possibility of a second kid alive. Not doing a pregnancy test after IVF is like not opening the envelope with your exam results in it because until you know for sure you can still imagine the best possible result. I am doing the conception equivalent of not even taking the exams - despite doing all the required revision. Until I turn over that test paper I can still believe I'll pass with flying colours.

This metaphor is getting a bit tenuous isn't it?

Basically I am pretty much assuming that my next frozen embryo transfer won't work. I have no reason for assuming this, and I have an excellent reason sleeping upstairs for believing it will.

I would love a second kid, less for me this time but more because I think siblings are really important. My two sisters are absolutely brilliant - my friends, confidants, shoulder to cry on, person to celebrate with - and I can't imagine being without them.

Shit.

Sorry, I've just remembered they sometimes read this blog.

Obviously I meant to say:

They are fine. OK, really. Tolerable even. And it is nice to know that it won't just be me responsible for my Dad in his dotage - I'll palm the care home expenses off on them.

It is an odd feeling trying for a second. Despite being older I don't have the same feeling of panic I had before Olive. Then I was worried that I was going to be too old a Mum, since I've met plenty of Mums older than me, and I seem to be less mature than many who are younger. I really want another child but I don't have that same desperation as before.  So I'm going to wait a little longer, try the old fashioned way and  I have little doubt that won't work, so I will try again with a frozen embryo transfer, but there is no immediate rush.

I might have missed the sweet spot, but who cares about a few months here or there in the long term? 



2 comments:

  1. It's good to have some time...and no feeling of pressure. Much luck!

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