Sunday, 15 December 2013

Christmas is coming

I spent a lot of time, whilst infertile, thinking about "this time next year."

Christmases in particular I'd wonder if, by next Christmas, I'd have a baby. I came close last year - my first pregnancy was due on the 22 of December 2012, but it didn't make it past May.

Exactly a year ago, on the 15th of December, I found out I was pregnant again. Maybe it was because it was so close to what would have been my due date - or maybe simply because I was scarred by having miscarried earlier in the year regardless of the date - I didn't let myself think ahead.

The little girl sleeping in the cot beside me now was something I couldn't envisage a year ago. All I focussed on was the next scan, the next opportunity to see a heart beat flickering on the screen. Even when I was heavily pregnant I hardly dared to believe that I would have a healthy baby at the end of it.

Yesterday I bought her a Christmas present, and today I decorated the tree whilst she gazed in wonder at the tinsel. In ten days we will have the Christmas that I have wanted for so many years, a Christmas with my own family.

They say Christmas is really for the children.

Not this year.

This Christmas is for me.

And let's face it Olive won't have a clue what is going on.


  1. Totally made me cry. Yes. A hard won Christmas.

  2. The first year we had our daughter was the first time I felt any need to do anything for Christmas at all. And it keeps getting bigger every year...

  3. Enjoy every second of it. I'm still in the "this time next year camp" (our babies were due 25.12.13, but not to be) and stories like yours give me hope that all the heartache is worth it in the end. Hope you all have an amazing day with your beautiful daughter x.

  4. This post made me so damned happy. Christmas is an entirely different experience once you're on the other side. So difficult before. So very good after. Enjoy your very first Christmas with her.

  5. Wooooo! Send me a picture of her now pls. (And coffee in the new year / over crimbo or there will be trouble.) xxx

  6. Grr, stupid thing keeps eating comments so I haven't been able to comment in forever!!!

    Need to photo of Olive in a very gaudy Christmas outfit pretty please!!

  7. So happy for you... Enjoy it!!

  8. oh this is lovely. Merry Christmas darlings x

  9. This made me teary! Merry Christmas to you all!

  10. Damn you woman, I have something in my eye now.

    I can't even IMAGINE how awesome this Christmas will be for you.


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