Saturday, 17 August 2013

Disjointed thoughts on our new baby

I am entranced by our daughter. I watch her whilst she sleeps - which frankly in most circles would seem a little bit creepy. I also occasionally stroke her cheek to get a reaction - just to check she is still breathing, in much the same way I use to prod my pregnant belly to get a kick if I hadn't felt anything for a while. Turns out the fear doesn't disappear once they are born.

She is still tiny. She wears babygrows that engulf her. The labels say 0 to 3 months but she is still, in theory, five days off her due date. We hold up her clothes and can't imagine her ever fitting into them let alone growing out of them.

Everyone tells us to cherish these early days. They go too fast, we are warned. But I can't help but yearn for a time when she is more robust. When her spindly little limbs chub up At two and a half weeks she has yet to regain her birth weight. The midwives are keeping an eye on this, I am wracked with guilt about how much I should be breast feeding her.

Luckily, her output shows us she is clearly eating well. She has two nicknames depending on the contents of her nappy - Pissy Elliot or Poop Doggy Dog.

Nights vary. We've had a couple of terrible ones where she refuses to be put down and I hold her as she sleeps - petrified that I will roll on her or push her out of bed. Other nights have allowed us blocks of three hours solid sleep. Back in the day this would sound horrendous but after the sleepless nights of pregnancy three hours is blissfully refreshing.

The husband has had three days back at work, but I've yet to have a day by myself as my in-laws have been here. I was petrified at the thought of a day by myself however now after a week of house guests that fear is somewhat offset by the idea of a house to ourselves.

I've taken her out by myself once. I strapped the pram wrist band on firmly. Put on the pram brake  at every road crossing and eyed each approaching pedestrian with suspicion. It was Ok. I think I might get the hang of this.

Olive and I have a mutually favourite  position. Her snuggled on my chest. For her no doubt she can hear my heart beat and it is reminiscent of being in the womb. For me she becomes the cutest, softest, best smelling hot water bottle.

I worry about her health, her future, her size. Not her lungs though. She has a big voice for such a little lady.

Now I face the dilemma of all infertility bloggers once their first baby arrives. To continue to blog or to slip away quietly thankful to have got here, at last.


  1. I'm still so very happy for you guys! If she's having sufficient output, I don't think you need to worry about the input. Babies seem to grow at their own, individual rate. Also, if I recall correctly, babies that are born after IV fluids tend to be a bit of false/water weight when born and it is harder to regain to that weight right off the bat.

    As for blogging, it's completely a personal choice. But if you are looking for input, I say keep blogging. IF doesn't end at childbirth and all moms need support, especially those that had to work so hard to get there!

  2. Oh do stick around. Nobody expects the same stream of blogging but its good to know everything is going ok.
    Try not to fret about the weight gain and make sure that they adjust for her being early and use the right breastfeeding weight charts and not the old ones before trying to pressurise you into changing anything.
    And boy do I miss that newborn snuggle.

  3. Please do continue!!! (see, I'm this excited)

    I'm from Istanbul and have read all your posts. You are a brilliant writer who inspired me so much. And I really am so happy for you and would love to see this wonderful next chapter of your life. I am 41 yrs old, so although it's a faint possibility, I believe I'll become a mother and I think it is great that I will first learn what is waiting ahead from you. And I'm sure you'll get help from your support here when it gets tough or when you need advise (not from me obviously)

    Please do continue!!! (Or I'll keep harassing you with comments full of exclamation marks!!!)


  4. Oh please don't leave. Your friends here care about you and your story and not just about your infertility. If those still on the IF side of things are mad or sad or just can't take it - mores the pity. You aren't being insensitive by talking about how happy you are. You are happy! Be happy! Enjoy your happiness and blog to the mountain tops about it! YOU DESERVE THIS TIME! And you deserve friends that will be happy for you too and want to journey with you through motherhood too.

    My advice is to feed hungry babies. That is all. :) It'll work out.

  5. Ummm, hello...I have been such an absent blogger and blog reader so to say this is an awesome catch up on your blog would be an understatement. Congratulations, my old friend! I am thrilled beyond all thrilled for you. Welcome, Olive!

    Blogging for our daughter's first year was not in the cards for me. I had a whole host of issues with it (but I always have issues, right?). I'm trying to step back in now. Do whatever works, but I would sure love to hear more post IF stuff.

  6. Oh, really? When the toddler years are just a blink of an eye away, where you don't even have to mine for topics - they're laying there right on the surface - you want to think about slipping away? Who else will misdirect me and entertain me with bad puns? What will you do when you decide Olive needs a sibling (hint: start in about...6 more weeks. Don't wait.)?

    Anyway, I don't understand the people who want to put their newborn down. When she's 10 or 15 pounds, sure. But brand new? I held that kid pretty much every moment I was awake. Of course, the downside to that is she now wants to be pressed up against me as much as possible, which is unfortunate when it's summer. But this will end eventually, so I should probably enjoy it while it lasts.

    You'll be fine without company - in fact, you'll enjoy it. Except for the part where you don't get a chance to shower. That kinda sucks.

  7. I faced the same dilemma. I stuck around and now I LOVE looking back on my parenting posts. i have lost some followers and gained different ones. Its tricky but I would love to hear your thoughts on all that lies ahead with your sweet Olive :)

  8. Firstly, please don't slip away, she says hypocritically.
    Baby snuggled sleeping on my chest was my favourite position too. I loved the times when I could watch a film with the warmest, snuggliest, best hot water bottle, tea and chocolates. I miss my daughter doing that a lot, enjoy those moments when you get them, and try to imprint them a little on your mind.
    OK feeding. I hope you're not too sore. She will get back to birth weight in her own time, just try to go on how happy/healthy the baby is, not the numbers. I can't remember how long it took mine. 3 weeks at least I think. Feeding seems to be the thing that causes most guilt, and sets your hormones on a spiral of irrationality. Been there, got the t shirt. You are doing really well. In these early days, just stick her on the boob if she whinges at all, or opens her mouth. And I say this in case you need someone to say it (I did): it is OK to give formula. More than OK, if you want to. We mix fed from 8 weeks, best thing I did in terms of feeding.
    When she sleeps 4 hours you'll feel like a new woman! In the meantime, swaddling worked here.
    Oh and husband being at work is not as bad as you think. I love my days with E, just us two.
    You're doing so well.

  9. Congrats!

    Our baby spent her first months in 0 to 3 clothing. Only after did I discover that there is a smaller size (newborn or 1 month). Also you can get premature sized clothes.

  10. Please don't slip away... We have just found out that our 2nd FET wasn't successful (fresh cycle cancelled OHSS) and I took last week off as sick with a feeling that I was unable to face the unfair world. I read your blog back to last year when you fell pregnant with your twins (found you by accident whilst googling progynova last Sept). Well, I sobbed &sobbed. What you must realise is that if, after everything that you have been through, you can have your happy ending then I believe I can too. Your story is an inspiration. When I stumbled across your blog, I had no idea that people blogged about this stuff, I thought it was just call girls... I quickly realised there are thousands of infertiles blogging but yours was the only one I began to follow. I sat on my settee last February with my eyes closed hoping and hoping the photo of the pregnancy test would be positive as I scrolled down pensively. I worried in March/April when you were in Spain as you were so quiet. I sobbed at my desk in work, shoulders bobbing, a few Fridays ago when you told us all of Olive's safe arrival. So I feel like I know you yet have never met you... Sorry missy but you started this and got me hooked so I need your story to continue. In short, you give me hope and I want to hear all about little Olive and your witty comments on life's shit and beauty. Please continue as one girl from The Wirral is kind of counting on you x

  11. You sound like new mother. Totally remind me of myself 9 months ago, when I had no idea what I was doing. Holding the baby, obviously, for what felt like 24/7. I enjoyed the newborn stuff but it was also the hardest time of my life so far.

    And before I forget:
    I hereby command you to stay! You are sleep deprived and hormonal and have to obey!


  12. *snort* poop doggy dog! LOL

    I hope you stay! It is a transition after IF but it's one worth making!

  13. Please don't slip away!! We want to see Olive grow up... and would sorely miss your "wit"... Can only imagine what diddies you'll have as Olive grows up :)

  14. Love reading your updates! Please don't stop. I know it's hard to find a balance but we would selfishly like it if you could!

  15. Sounds like heaven. I hope you stick around.

  16. Pissy Elliot. You guys are great. I do hope you stick around, I'm sure your descriptions of Olive growing up would be awesome.

  17. I've always been sad when a blogger whom I've followed long enough to become invested in closes up shop when they get their happy ending. We've commiserated with the lows, we'd like to celebrate the highs too!

  18. Love reading your updates! Please don't stop. I know it's hard to find a balance but we would selfishly like it if you could!World of Warcraft Gold Billigbuy rs gold

  19. Please stay and keep writing. But if you are going to stop... horror.... please tell us. I hate hoping and hoping and waiting and hoping for months and months....and then giving up in sorrow.

  20. Please keep writing - you have a very different style to most IF bloggers and I love your sense of humour.

    Hope you are now in-law-less. Mine drove me demented when they were around me and the little fella - for a whole month. Felt like I had 3 babies to mind and not one at the time!

    Big kisses to Olive.

  21. Babe, I love you so
    I want you to know
    that I'm going to miss your love
    the minute you walk out that door

    so please don't go
    don't go, don't go away
    please don't go
    don't go, I'm begging you to stay

    If you live, at least in my life time
    I had one dream come true
    I was blessed to be loved
    by someone as wonderful as you

    Hey hey hey
    I need your love
    I'm down on my knees
    beggin' please please
    please don't go
    don't you hear me baby
    don't leave me now
    oh no no no don't go

  22. My Little One is nearly 2 now. The IF questions and problems are still there just slightly different to before, most obviously will our daughter ever have a sibling. Please keep blogging - I'm sure you will still have topics - I have loads of suggestions but hey, its your job to think of things to write about not mine!

    PS - Im still entranced by my little one now, the need to constantly watch her wont improve unless you force yourself to take evasive action. My advice - dont bother, indulge yourself every minute x

  23. Don't slip away!!!! I know I do not comment much, becaue stupid bastard blogspot freezes me off most of the times, but what everyone of the above commenters said: don't go awaaaaaay!! I swear you'll have a multitude of topics from now on. All worthy of your puns. Pissy Elliot... *snigger, chuckle*

    And do not put the little Olive down now. You may wish now that she gained weight, and got more solid, and yet in two months you will not be able to imagine how on earth could she have been so small. One more reason to hold her. Later they get all squirmy and fidgety, hold her now. Inhale that infant smell, a mixture of eau de lait et poop (I really loved that, really really did - that changed when solids came into the picture, because you know, real food, real shit, but milky poop, mmm, lovely).


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