I Have Been Lying To You

Dear Internets

Your comments, every single one, on my last post were so wonderful, so heartfelt, so moving that I can't go on with this deception.

I have to come clean.

Don't worry this isn't a total game changer of a confession. I'm not a single young man writing this from my mother's basement (though if you saw me at the moment you might wonder if I was, thanks to my hairdresser being a tad over-zealous with her scissors a couple of weeks ago leaving me sporting a 14 year-old boy's hair do).

I am was am was am was do infertility.

However I didn't have a frozen embryo transfer in January or find out I was pregnant last week.

I had the frozen embryo transfer in early December, found out on the 15th of that month that it had worked. Last Thursday I had my 12 week scan.

For the majority of this blog's existence I have absolutely been live blogging. As I found things out so did you. I haven't known the outcome of any test or treatment between blogging about the investigation and coming clean with the answer, until this time.

I was always of the opinion, that I have seen countless times on other blogs and message boards, that I would tell you if I miscarried so there was no reason not to tell you if I got pregnant straight away.

Makes sense, huh?

That was until it happened to me back in May. There is nothing easy about miscarrying but there are things that make it harder and having to tell people, both online and in real life, who had been so pleased for us was additionally horrendous. Taking down the 'Your Expecting' cards I'd been sent and, bizarrely, irrationally, feeling like I'd let everyone down.

I knew that I would try again, I had three more frozen chances, but I wanted to try in private. Yeah, odd that coming from someone who, of their own volition, started a blog.

So I fudged and drifted. I didn't tell anyone when I was having my embryo transfer. Not even my sisters - and I tell them everything, whether they want to hear it or not.

Everything I have written has been true. I really did have a horrendous transfer and what I wrote about finding out was written at the time, but it happened on the 3rd of December. (Notice how I carefully didn't use any words like "today" or "this afternoon".)

I timed my posts so that if all went well at the 12 week scan I could come clean as being pregnant. If it didn't I could do a quick "it didn't work" and 'fess up about what had really happened when I felt emotionally ready.

Of course you know what this means, right?

I am 12 weeks pregnant (12 weeks and 6 days to be exact) and the scan was fantastic. Our little one, yes ONE, was wriggling about and measuring spot on.

I hope you all understand why I used a time delay. And, frankly, you have been spared a whole heap of panic from me as I have managed to convince myself on an almost weekly basis that everything was going wrong and I was losing this incredibly hard-won baby.

I'm only a third of the way there and there is still no guarantees, but I feel a lot more confident that this might actually happen.

And if it does it'll happen at the end of August.

Yours contritely (but still thinking, on balance, I did the right thing),

WFI