Monday, 11 February 2013

I Have Been Lying To You

Dear Internets

Your comments, every single one, on my last post were so wonderful, so heartfelt, so moving that I can't go on with this deception.

I have to come clean.

Don't worry this isn't a total game changer of a confession. I'm not a single young man writing this from my mother's basement (though if you saw me at the moment you might wonder if I was, thanks to my hairdresser being a tad over-zealous with her scissors a couple of weeks ago leaving me sporting a 14 year-old boy's hair do).

I am was am was am was do infertility.

However I didn't have a frozen embryo transfer in January or find out I was pregnant last week.

I had the frozen embryo transfer in early December, found out on the 15th of that month that it had worked. Last Thursday I had my 12 week scan.

For the majority of this blog's existence I have absolutely been live blogging. As I found things out so did you. I haven't known the outcome of any test or treatment between blogging about the investigation and coming clean with the answer, until this time.

I was always of the opinion, that I have seen countless times on other blogs and message boards, that I would tell you if I miscarried so there was no reason not to tell you if I got pregnant straight away.

Makes sense, huh?

That was until it happened to me back in May. There is nothing easy about miscarrying but there are things that make it harder and having to tell people, both online and in real life, who had been so pleased for us was additionally horrendous. Taking down the 'Your Expecting' cards I'd been sent and, bizarrely, irrationally, feeling like I'd let everyone down.

I knew that I would try again, I had three more frozen chances, but I wanted to try in private. Yeah, odd that coming from someone who, of their own volition, started a blog.

So I fudged and drifted. I didn't tell anyone when I was having my embryo transfer. Not even my sisters - and I tell them everything, whether they want to hear it or not.

Everything I have written has been true. I really did have a horrendous transfer and what I wrote about finding out was written at the time, but it happened on the 3rd of December. (Notice how I carefully didn't use any words like "today" or "this afternoon".)

I timed my posts so that if all went well at the 12 week scan I could come clean as being pregnant. If it didn't I could do a quick "it didn't work" and 'fess up about what had really happened when I felt emotionally ready.

Of course you know what this means, right?

I am 12 weeks pregnant (12 weeks and 6 days to be exact) and the scan was fantastic. Our little one, yes ONE, was wriggling about and measuring spot on.

I hope you all understand why I used a time delay. And, frankly, you have been spared a whole heap of panic from me as I have managed to convince myself on an almost weekly basis that everything was going wrong and I was losing this incredibly hard-won baby.

I'm only a third of the way there and there is still no guarantees, but I feel a lot more confident that this might actually happen.

And if it does it'll happen at the end of August.

Yours contritely (but still thinking, on balance, I did the right thing),

WFI




78 comments:

  1. Oh, you sneaky little WFI!! :-)
    I am delighted you are in your second trimester. It's like gifting your readers, sparing them the worrying for two months-ish. Because we do worry for you. And root for you. And are pleased as punch to hear that you are so wonderfully pregnant and almost 13 weeks in to boot! YAY!
    I hope you are enjoying your pregnancy. Take many pictures. And videos. And capture the entire thing as best as you can. Even if you worry and dread horrific scenarios, you still should do this, because it is a fantastic time in a woman's life and it goes by way too fast.
    August will be here soon. I would also suggest you take a vacation around the 20-25 weeks mark, when it is still very enjoyable to be pregnant and you can visit/go relax/do whatever you want to do during a vacation. I know it is still a long way until then (because this is what worrying does to time, it messes it up, shortening and lengthening it at will), but trust me: do go and enjoy your time with just your husband and plan the heck out of the wonderful times ahead, when it is you and THE BABY! God, I am so happy for you. It has been quite overdue... But it is here. And you are pregnant. YAY. Again. :-)

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  2. This has made my morning, wonderful news x

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  3. OMG, that is even more fantastic! I am so, so, so happy to hear that no only did it work, it has continued to work for such a long time! And you've saved us following along the tense first trimester, hearts in our mouths. Very considerate of you! :)

    Wow. Not sure when I've been so pleased to find out I've been lied to.

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  4. My god, I thought when reading this I was going to cry at work. I am trying my 2nd attempt in a couple of weeks time, and I knew, just knew that soon you would be declaring yes it worked or no and truth be told, I was scared, scared of looking and just thinking what's the point for myself. I too had a miscarriage and have been very silent about this next one coming up, people know its coming but no exact dates etc. I am so happy for you and I hope this is the one, you make me laugh and cry and give me hope ox

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  5. As someone whose infertility remains a secret from nearly everyone in non-Internet life and who kept 3 miscarriages secret until well after the event I totally get this! I am so pleased things are mOving on so swimmingly. x

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  6. You are well within your rights to have kept things private for awhile! I am si thrilled you're at the 12 week mark. What a milestone. Rooting for you the whole way.

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  7. I am SO SO SO SO SO happy and excited for you! Words can't even describe how relieved I am that you have reached the end of the first trimester.. Hugs.

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  8. Oh even more amazing news! Thank you so much for sharing – wishing you everything good from hereon in :-)). And also happy to hear you're not actually a single young man.

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  9. sorry my comments keep disappearing.....
    Best lie ever!
    VV

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  10. sorry my comments keep disappearing.....
    Best lie ever!
    VV

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  11. Just so pleased for you that you've made it to 12 weeks safe and sound - everything else is irrelevant! Well done you! Do you have a nickname yet for the little one? How about the womb for two website?! ooooh just so excited and happy for you!

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  12. As someone who didn't tell most of the family about my pregnancy until I was 20 weeks along, I certainly understand why you felt the need for a bit of flexibility in the blog timeline! Doesn't matter when it happened; it did happen and I'm very pleased for you!

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  13. No matter what you have a gaggle of women super happy for you. :)

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  14. Thank-you for being honest, I'm afraid I do feel deceived though and that there were alternatives. That said, put it behind you and look forward, good luck with your pregnancy, you deserve a happy ending.

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  15. Now I can exhale! Thank god it's like a fast forward for us readers with the best possible outcome.

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  16. Beyond understanding. Honestly I don't care when you got pregnant, I am just over the moon that you are. It's even better knowing you're into the second trimester and that things are so much closer to secure this time. Huge love xx

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  17. What a wonderful deception! LOVE that you sound so thrilled in this post. Looking forward to updates and BELLY SHOTS!!

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  18. Oh my god - I saw the title of this blog and literally couldnt breathe till I had finished reading.

    I totally understand this approach, having IVF-ed in public and private I completly understand and support your need to protect your own emotional wellbeing. To all of us, this is a blog we read. To you - its you life. That said, Im sure that to many of us its more than 'just another blog', we are all 100% behind you and your hopes and dreams for the future and couldnt be happier with this amazing news.

    Just one other point to make - put a fucking scan picture up! Jeez.....!

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  19. Why you sneaky little ....... ;)

    The only news better than that you shared with us the other day is knowing that all is still well at 12 weeks! So happy you had a wonderful scan and that you're feeling more confident, too. Hold onto that!

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  20. Brilliant, I have often wanted to press the fast forward button for friends IRL who have suffered first trimester losses, what a great gift to give your readers! Exhaling for you, I know baby's not here yet but he/she is in a very good position!

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  21. Such wonderful news! And totally understandable. Wishing you an easy second and third trimesters!

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  22. AW! It's so wonderful to know that you've already made it this far!!! I can completely understand why you delayed the story a bit. It's one thing to want to talk about something sad, but it's another to HAVE to talk about it. My prayers are still with you and your precious little one!

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  23. I, as so many others, am also delighted to exhale just a little as we now know that you've made it through the most harrowing bit. Totally understand your choices (and had not noticed the lack of today, yesterday, etc. references until you pointed it out and I had to go back and read it-- clever, very clever!). Cheering hard and so excited for you and your little peanut!

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  24. Definitely understandable! And awesome news!! :)

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  25. Mrs Pants on Fire, you fibby thing you!! I could not be happier, I am thrilled and cannot wait to see what August brings you.

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  26. I love this post even more than the last. Way to put YOU first and do what's best for you and the hubs. So, so, so happy for you that things are going so well. All my best wishes to you in this pregnancy.

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  27. Many, many congratulations. I open your posts with trepidation as you've had such a rough time so I am truly delighted to read your news.

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  28. Awesome. I was beyond happy that you'd become pregnant and I'm even happier to know you've made it past 12 weeks. I hope it all continues beautifully!

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  29. OH wow....did have my heart in my throat for a second...but totally understand you needing to do that - and I agree with the others who've said thank goodness all is well!! Thrilled for you! Brilliant!

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  30. So relieved to hear your news - I nearly cried (and I'm in a meeting as I read this!). The very best of luck for the next so many months... looking forward to your posts in these months!

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  31. This is great, I was holding my breath while I was reading your post and then realized now I don't have to worry for the next post. Welcome to the second trimester, hope you are feeling great.

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  32. All who care for and about you understand and support your decisions. Your situation, your worries, your protections, your joys. Thank you for sharing with us at all. I think part of infertility includes getting to make your own choices and that you blog at all about the infertility world is gracious and a gift. Congratulations on one trimester done, the easiest first on-line trimester for my worrying I have encountered. THRILLED FOR YOU!!!!!!

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  33. Don't fret.... you handled this in the best way for YOU and that's what is important !! To be honest, I fleetingly considered crossing "the pond" and wrapping you in bubble wrap for the next several weeks... so you saved me having to dick around with getting a passport and all..... and a convertor for my blow drier... LOL. Best of the best to you :)

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  34. You little snicker!! I'm so happy for you!!!

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  35. Oh Liz...you have no idea how much I can relate to this. We did the same thing (only not in blogworld...in real life). After our first ART cycle resulted in a twin pregnancy that we shared with EVERYONE...it was heartbreaking to not only lose that pregnancy...but then drag friends and family along through three more cycles over the next several months. Once we had several failures under our belt and I was feeling like our lives were under a looking glass...I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt so terrible for dragging the people who loved us through the emotional roller coaster....so we went dark. We let everyone think we were taking a break and then moving to adoption...and in that time...we did our hail mary IVF with the last of our money and a combination of fear and hope that fought each other daily to be first. AND...it worked!!! and then we were even more scared!!! And then...at 11 weeks...we came clean. No one was mad, no one felt slighted....I think anyone can understand how difficult this can be. So...from a very very familiar place....I wish you the most heartfelt congratulations and completely understand your motives. Hugs hugs hugs and tons of baby dust to you. I am soooo thrilled.
    Karaleen

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  36. Holly Shi**t My jaw just hit the floor! You did what you had/wanted to do and I understand. After 6 consecutives miscarriages I have learned to be quiet for me and the people I love. So happy for you.

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  37. Wow!!!! I completely understand why you did this and am so incredible THRILLED for you, 12 weeks is a big effin milestone!!' YEAH!! Oh what wonderful news.

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  39. still brilliant news... in fact, even better!!! congratulations!

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  40. This is actually excellent - even as a casual reader I would have been nervous for you and now we've fast-forwarded a bit :) You genius:)


    (BTW anon @18:23 seems to have struggled through the spam filter...)

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  41. Oh, I do, I DO understand! And now we your devoted readers can skip the worrying-ourselves-sick bit too, and just be happy. I am SO happy. Many hugs.

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  42. OMG - so happy for you!!

    CONGRATS!!

    Sheryl (long time reader)

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  43. Well, that's just fantastic. The goosebumps AND the tears are back, and I'm at my work desk yet again! I am beyond thrilled for you. I normally loathe lies of all sorts, but in this case, I completely understand. I am beside myself with joy for you. Cannot wait to hear more about this journey!! xx

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  44. I really wanted to do this with my current cycle. It's been a nightmare from the very late start. I kept it all to myself and I felt awful. I felt like I was keeping secrets from those who intimately know me. I kept it all quiet. I evaded questions on twitter about how things were going. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't come clean until they gave me the go ahead for my trigger shot and we moved forward. You are so brave to have done this. I have so much respect for you! I am completely over the moon happy for you and I wish I had one tid bit of your strength. As it is I have thrown in the towel on this cycle at 2 days post FET.

    I wish you all the best, and I seriously can't believe there is only one in there after that beta. That little one must have settled in on transfer day. I've been following you for so long and I have waited for this moment for you....Seriously crying tears of joy across the pond for you! I hope you keep us up to date from here on out on this journey!

    HUGS!

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  45. As KMA suggested, I definitely think we need a scan photo to make up for the deception!! Still grinning happily for you either way!

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  46. Well played Liz, well played. Lol. Who cares if you fibbed a bit! You're pregnant and doing great!! So happy for you, you have no idea :) (yes, a smiley emoticon for you).

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  47. Aargh!! Congratulations - I totally understand the delay, I did the same thing :) Thrilled that you made it to this exciting milestone and praying that everything continues in the ame beautiful way it has started :)

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  48. I am glad you're so far along and have had your 12 week scan. It is a lovely feeling. A great lie and what an exciting time for you guys. I'm so pleased and so is my husband who gets blow by blow accounts shouted to him in the lounge as I read your posts!

    Also on the previous post I was so overcome with emotion I lost my ability to spell and have been haunted by ball rather than bawl. We're all fessing up today...

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  49. So, so, so, so very happy for you!! And I'm fine with the time delay, having been through recurrent pregnancy loss I hate the entire first trimester, whether it's mine or anyone else. SO happy!!

    Canuck reader

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  50. That was a dirty little trick!! SOOO awesome!!!!!

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  51. OMG, this is the best news ever because I was PRAYING for time to pass as quickly as possible, so worried for you and bebe... and here it already has! So, really, you did me a favor. I can now sleep easier at night. How nice of you to take my feelings into consideration in all of this ;)

    Seriously, though. Don't think twice about the delay. If I was that anxious for time to pass I can't imagine what it was like for you, so it's completely understandable that you would do such a thing. Because, surely, endless comments of "how are you doing" for weeks on end would probably only compound the situation. I'm so glad you gave us a (virutal) time machine to get to that 12 week mark so quickly. So, so happy for you. And thanks for bringing us up to speed. You're under no obligation whatsoever to us. It's very gracious of you to share. Period. When/how much/what... that is always (always!) up to you. I'm just glad to be along for the ride.

    Now if you could post again tomorrow with "surprise, I already had a full-term baby, here are some photos" that'd be great!

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  52. You know what? Thanks for the lie, because you just removed 7 weeks of anxiety for me. :) I'm glad you've gotten through the first trimester - it takes a bit of the load off. Just so you know, the next few weeks will have the baby growing his/her fingerprints! (And palm prints and footprints)

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  53. However it happens, it matters not. I like present progressive tense here. Sheer joy for you in this milestone. No matter how you get here.

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  54. HOW COULD YOU??? No, just kidding, this is even BETTER!!

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  55. What are white lies between friends, eh?

    This news blows the positive test news completely out of the water! I'm beyond happy for you and DH that things are looking great 1/3 the way through! It is a fantastic surprise! This is the best way to *atone* for your deception- cover it in an entire sundae! I hope the next 27 weeks go as fast for you as the last 8 have gone for us!

    (please excuse all the exclamation points. I'm just too excited about this news!)

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  56. I'm with the "This is so much better!" crowd! I'm so happy for you and hope everything continues to go well!

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  57. Definitely in the "so excited and happy for you I don't care" camp, however, I think you should still pay penance... in the form of a scan picture ;)

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  58. Thats even better news then... Im so pleased for you and your 12.6 day bump... Xxx

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  59. I'm too stinking happy for you!! Now I don't have to stress that it won't stick! Liz this is quite possibly one I my favourite BFP announcements ever :)

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  60. So very happy for you! I understand the fudging on the dates, and am glad it worked out for you! <3 Congratulations!

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  61. Wow! That is even better, now I have reconfigured my timeline and un-discombobulated myself. :-) Good, good. We're into the nice part already. Onward!

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  62. AHHHHH! Best post ever!!!! I'm so happy I cried out and cried for you. I have been thinking and praying and sending baby dust for you for years. Years. I started reading (this isn't going to feel good) when we were trying and unsuccessful and I've wanted so badly for you to be successful.

    I'm so glad you did it this way because while that wait was agonizing for you I feel like I've just skipped over it. Like the commercials in a good TV show, I get to skip right over them and just watch the best parts.

    OOOOH I'm so happy for you!!!! So very happy. Please feel free to delay any posts as you see fit but if you find out the gender I do so hope you'll share that!

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  63. What a wonderful post to read. My husband and I followed your blog all the way through our infertility struggles and subsequent ivf (baby born last April) and you kept us sane in a world where nobody else seemed to understand. We have kept on following and praying for you to have your miracle and what a wonderful post to read that you're not only pregnant but nearly thirteen weeks! I cried when I read this and completely understand why you kept this to yourself until you were sure. All of the best wishes in the world for the rest of your pregnancy. The worries certainly don't go away but you can breath easier now you're past twelve weeks. Thank you for sharing your journey and I hope you will feel you can continue to do so as your pregnancy progresses xxx

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  64. I love this. Absolutely fucking love it. You did exactly the right thing - and that is, that you did what was best for you. I simply couldn't be happier to read that you've reached this wonderful milestone! And I'll be reading along every step of the way - I can't wait for you to experience this! Yippeeee!

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  65. Fantastic! So excited for you :D

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  66. That is the BEST LIE EVER!!!! Congrats!!!!!! You inadvertently saved us worry too! It's like time travel! ;)

    So so so pleased for you. Enjoy the ride. It's pretty amazing.

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  67. A good lie. I was too scared to offer congratulations to the double pink line post. The fear of the jinx. Happy for you? I'm blinking delighted!

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  68. Clever girl--although you made me fret about the outcome of your transfer for ~2 months longer, you saved me all the first trimester worry. Plus, you know, doing the right thing for you is important, too. ;) Looking forward to the pregnancy and baby posts, all w/your signature wit. Congratulations again!

    Also, let me reiterate what has been said above: your pregnancy-worry may not go away completely (or even mostly; I'm 22+ weeks now and a good u/s buys me about 5 hours of peace before I think everything will go down the tubes again), but it's still possible to interleave all the fretting w/a great deal of happiness. So please do: wring every bit of happiness out of this pregnancy as you can, b/c you deserve it.

    Wishing you and the Husband the very, very best! :)

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  69. Congratulations!!!!!!!! (I'm just now getting caught up after being on holiday) I am thrilled for you!

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  70. Wet eyes here.

    And I can absolutely understand your doing it this way.

    This is like cutting to the end of a really fraught, artistic, tortured film, and getting the happy ending. I'm just as happy to cut to the happy ending.

    So pleased for you.

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  71. I think I am the selfish one. I felt cheated, and hurt that I missed out on the journey since Xmas. But I know this is selfish me, and not wholesome. I am so very happy for you and your husband. And I am so happy to have been allowed to follow your journey ... Which I have shared with my consultant over the past 6 months with interest. Now it is your turn to feel the love & reward of your determination. Big love to you xxxxx

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  72. conceptionally challenged14 February 2013 at 03:48

    WFI this is wonderful news! I'm so excited for you!
    And yes, I understand -- we might be doing IVF in ~2 months and I'm not willing to talk about it to anyone. Sigh.

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  73. Holy shit! I totally missed this fantastic news! I am overjoyed for you, Liz! Super-sized and heart-warmed congratulations, woman! XX

    Rhianna/Trinity (3 is a magic number)

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  74. and what a wonderful secret to keep.

    So fucking happy I could cry.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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  75. Yea, congrats! I think that is what makes blogging so cool...you can literally alter the time frame however you desire or need to do. With my ivf cycle last year, while I blogged in real time, we held out on telling my parents and even my twin sister until after the first trimester. They didn't even know we had done ivf and it really helped take the pressure off...so I totally get it!

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  76. Oh gosh, I take a peek to catch up and see this?! Made up for you doesn't cut it! I can forgive the sneakyness. Totally understandable.
    This has made my morning.

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I've resisted word verification for ages but I'm getting so many spam comments at the moment that I think it is time. Sorry!