Friday, 21 December 2012

It's not the end of the world

Call me optimistic but, as the world hasn't ended yet I'm going to call bullshit on the Mayan end of the world prediction for the 21st of December.

To be fair I never really thought it would. But that isn’t to say I wasn’t worried about today for other reasons.

Today is my due date from the pregnancy I lost in May.

All year it has haunted me as I imagined a parallel universe where I go on maternity leave, decorate a nurseries and rub my baby bump with pride.

The first thing I did when I came back to work after the miscarriage was surreptitiously blank out my diary for today I decided that I wouldn't go to work. It wasn't much but it felt like the least I could do.

But when I mentioned my plan to the husband he was quite vehement in his opposition to it.

His reasoning was pretty sound. He didn't want today to become a 'thing', an annual event where we mourn the loss of a baby, or twins, or what should have been, and what would I do instead? Sit around the house not allowing myself to be distracted from thoughts of a lost baby? To be fair today is still pretty arbitrary, despite being the doctor-sanctioned due date. I can't think of a single woman I know who actually gave birth on their due date so it is no more than a rough estimate of when I would have given birth.

So I'm off to work, for the last time this year, and I going to do the stiff upper lip thing. Carry on, not mope and see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

***Updated: It has just occurred to me that this could be read as me telling folk this is the "right" thing to do. It isn't necessarily, just how I have decided to behave today, everyone responds to loss in a different ways and whatever feels the best course of action for you is the right way to deal with anniversaries like this. I am just sorry so many of you readers have also been in this position.***




19 comments:

  1. Will think of you today.
    and of your twins, that you both lost, and of mine, of which only one vanished.
    Also last day at work for this year.
    The weather is so grey here that the end of the world seems only 300 meters away.
    Wishing you luck.

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  2. It's bloody awful to have such a date to haunt you for the rest of your life. But you get used to having it in your life and your calendar. I am not saying it will get easier or better, you just get used to it. You can have your own little ritual to mark it, if you want. I do, and it involves coffee and after eights, because that is what is linked in my mind to that due date. No one knows about it, just like no one else knows what that date means to me. Not even my husband. Why burden him too? Anyway. It is

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  3. As I was saying, it is an arbitrary thing and it has meaning to me alone.
    My due date that was not is Dec 31st.
    Thinking of your, dear, and

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  4. Good grief, blogger is a bugger!
    Thinking of you and having a coffee on this end of the world day that was not.

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  5. I'm thinking about you too. I admit I have blanked out teh 3 due dates that weren't but mark the miscarriages instead all of which coincided with public holidays to make it simple. But whatever gets you through. I admit I might not feel so sanguine if I didn't have the due dates that actually came to pass. Hoping that you will have some of those soon.

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  6. Big hugs and wishing you all the strength (particularly in the form of vino and chocolate) that you need to get through today.

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  7. Ah, dates. Just to compare notes: I sort of create a brain fog around that date in my head and I don't commemorate it. (Though of course there's no right or wrong way.) I do find that as time passes it's harder to imagine the parallel world, which is helpful.

    If it's not okay today, go home, though. To hell with everything else, look after yourself. To a much, much happier 2013.

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  8. Thinking about you.

    25th april was my date, I never worked on that date again although over the years the significance of it sort of diminished and now it's not such a big thing. But regardless of what you are physically doing you never forget that baby.

    Particularly hard at this time of year when everyone is being so jolly!!!


    Take care x

    Moira

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  9. I've taken my due date off for each miscarriage I've had - not to spend the day moping but to help put it behind me (after four I'm a freaking expert I'd say). I do it so that I take time out to for myself and don't clean the house or anything. Barring a sick four year old it's been good, but we all deal with it in our own ways. Happy holidays from across the pond.

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  10. Men. They never want to commemorate (sp?) anything. ;)

    If it's a date that sticks in your head, it will always be there. I don't remember June 19 quite as much as I remember Father's Day. I have to think about it to place the due date for that one at January 9.

    Anyway, here's to the date that could have been, and I hope you enjoy your break from work.

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  11. Due dates after loss SUCK! It's hard to not want to sit around and mope, but I agree with you hubs that it could roll into an annual thing. FOR ME it was good to think about it for a few minutes(ok pretty much half the day, but anyway) say a prayer and let it go. I'm the kind of person who would have blown the whole week with a dark cloud over me. I had to approach it with a differ perspective. Good for you for going the stiff upper lip route. I couldn't quite do that. Everyone has to handle loss in their own way. Mine was just a bit bitter sweet as I hit 20 weeks with my daughter on the due date and ironically she was born on the date of when my miscarriage started.

    Thinking of you and sending you HUGS! Have a nice holiday from work...

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  12. I'm thinking of you today. Whether - and how - to mark these days is so various and so specific to different people. I made a point of not marking them. I know - generally - when the losses took place, when the due dates were supposed to be. But I didn't want to know exactly. I suppose because I was afraid that I'd fetishize them (I have a tendency towards the maudlin) and because it was just easier to keep going if I didn't know exactly. It's not right for everyone but it was right for me. I think there's no stellar way to get through it, there's just getting through it.

    (But I am thinking of you, wishing things could be different, and hoping that whatever fog will have inevitably descended today, that it will lift a little bit. Most of all, though, hoping that 2013 brings you some pretty damned wonderful things. Overdue. And deserved.)

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  13. Dear Liz-
    I hope today went by quickly and that your co-worker were nice to you ( I know they don't know but I hope they were none the less). Sending you a big hug and hoping 2013 is a better year.

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  14. I've done it all ways - taken the day off and MOURNED HARD, refused to take the day off and pretended it wasn't happening, completely forgot it was the day anyway, taken the day off and then sat there at home going, eh, I feel fine, actually. Huh.

    So hugs. Because, you do what you need to do. And next year, you will also do what you need to do. And so on. Another hug.

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  15. Hi, I haven't commented for ages but I am a lurker as you know. Hope today hasn't been too difficult, I guess it will always mean something special to you. Thinking of you and hoping your lovely smile has been seen at least a few times today. Love and hugs Wig xx

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  16. I so wish calendars did not exist:(
    I have too any to remember.
    So sorry.

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  17. So sorry Liz. Thinking of you.

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  18. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you. To turn it back to me ... I thought December 7th, the day I miscarried, would become a "day" for me. But this year it came and went without me even noticing until after the fact. I agree with your husband a bit here. After I lost the baby, I took a single silk, white rose and added it to my christmas wreath, sort of as a memorial. And now, it's still there. And I can't bring myself to remove it. But does that mean every year I have to go back and remember? Is that right and proper? Or is that dwelling? I wish sometimes that I hadn't done that, made a memorial. But I know and understand why I did. It did happen. It did break my heart. But every Christmas do I want to think of that every time I open my front door? Yeah I don't know.

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  19. I always think that dates are arbitrary. It isnt possible to always be sad on the xth of xxxx. I always find that I am sad about the losses, or what could have been, at random moments and not on the given 'significant' date.

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