Monday, 8 October 2012

Salad Agony

Dear Aunty Lizzie

The hubby & I have been 'actively' trying for about 6 years now - I'm always careful to state the word 'actively' as I once failed to use the magic word when seeking medical help & had to put the whole thing on hold for a year as the GP was not convinced that we were 'trying hard enough' and sent us packing... (young, female, probably newly qualified & stupidly fertile - no I'm not at all bitter).

I have PCOS & a womb that just keeps on producing oodles & oodles of lovely lining (just the kind of lining you'd like to plant a baby in - ironic) but sadly I don't seem to ovulate! Been through various hormone blowing, emotion accelerating, mad-woman-on-the-edge inducing drugs and treatments but so far nothing has worked. Everything seems to boil down to the fact I'm overweight (hang in there, I'm getting to the point...).

I have been very open with all my friends & family about our little fertility predicament as I find they 'try harder' not to put their foot in it & say the wrong thing - they are all wonderfully supportive & well meaning! BUT... each time I've had a failed treatment they give me a pat on the back, tell me 'my time will come' & start discussing what foods I should consider cutting out!

Now, whilst I appreciate their encouragement, how do I politely find a way to tell them to FUCK OFF?

I spend my life at the gym (ok, slight exaggeration but it's 4 evenings & a Saturday morning out of my hectic schedule while they eat crisps & watch eastenders), I have read all the books on PCOS diets there are, I have joined slimming clubs & cut carbs to the point that the mere sight of a salad reduces me to tears & yet here I am, still a size 20 & childless, being given advice by skinny folk who eat what they like, & who fell pregnant as easily as tripping over & landing on an erect penis!

I know they all mean well, but I may well bitch-slap the next person who offers me 'kind words of support' - HELP!


An infertile salad-dodging blog-stalking fan.

Dear Salad-Dodger

The good news is I am not about to give you any weight loss tips. I have no idea how to lose weight, and lets face it having never met you I have no idea whether you really are as over-weight as you feel or if it is all in the mind. (And if you are basing your size on clothes size then I beg you not to buy your clothes at Topshop whose sizing seem to be based on guesses working from a rake.)

For a start from what you've said, and considering the length of time you've been trying, it sounds likely that dropping to a size ten is not the magic answer. Your weight might not be helping but I'd be amazed if that is the only problem.

I base this amazement not on any sound medical knowledge bit more on the kind of folk - who are way bigger than a size 20 - that I often see waddling on the school run with a couple of kids an tow and a toddler in a puchchair, more often than not scoffing a packet of crisps. (The little'un, not the mum. Actually scrap that - often both).

So don't be too hung up on your weight, the problem is how to stop other people focussing on it.

You say in your email:
"Now, whilst I appreciate their encouragement, how do I politely find a way to tell them to FUCK OFF?"

You know I am going to suggest that a not so polite FUCK OFF might actually work.

I mean, imagine your friend opening her mouth and as she is saying "Have you tried stir frys", you stand two inches from her face, shouting FUCK OFF. I mean it isn't going to enhance your friendship but it will stop them in their tracks.

Possibly this is a little extreme.

Maybe, if they start on the exercise tips, invite them to the gym with you. You might be bigger than them but going to the gym that regularly you are bound to be fitter. Get on adjoining treadmills and ask them to expound on their theories - I give it two minute before they are too out of breath to talk.

Or pre-empt them with a "You wouldn't believe how insensitive people are that they think they can start giving me diet tips, I mean you know how I've tried X, Y and Z. I am so glad you aren't like that." Should make them swallow their words.

Alternatively, a bitch-slap isn't a bad idea either.

See, you already have the answers, it is just a case of putting them into practice without getting arrested.

Although I expect prison food would act as a pretty shit-hot diet. Damn, sorry forgot I said I wouldn't give any diet tips.

Best of luck



  1. LOL this is awesome, and I agree....bitch slap those folks...that can be her well intentioned and not mean hearted advice....followed by the Fuck off...that'll get the message sent!

  2. berhehahahahahah, bitch-slap. best advice ever.

    as far as weight loss advice, given the context of infertility treatments and hormonal general mentalness, i would suggest replacing all food with booze for approximately one year and then trying for treatment again after that. regenerating liver cells is far easier than losing weight when you're on a cocktail alternately made from horse piss and the piss of postmenapausal women!!

  3. Your blog is fantastic. Only just found it today. We've not had any tests yet and I don't really want any tests at all... 2.5 years of trying naturally and I'm building the courage to go and have the nail spiked heartily into the coffin, hmph, the end of hope and the start of the clinical cannonball run. Don't want it. But at 34, I have to make a choice. Your strength is inspiring and incredible. You write so well, with such wit and humility - the way you express contempt (for well wishing n@bheads etc!) is poetry to my ears! I truly hope you get to be a mother but please continue to blog if you do, your insight is so welcome. Tons of love to you :)

  4. I am a regular reader but new poster and I wanted to say Hello. We have been trying for 3 yrs now and after a cancelled IVF and an IVF BFN I am very disillusioned. I have had it with people asking me to eat more protein, eat fat, stop exercising, no start doing yoga, do accupuncture, try naturally, stop stressing: All I have to say to them is Shut the fuck up. Really.

  5. Ahh, The Great Pre-Empt. This is excellent advice - I relied on it heavily for years (and still do, for well-meaning and generally stupid child-rearing advice).

    It works every time. The trick is to drop it early on in the conversation; and to do it with such sweet-faced innocence that no-one could possibly think you were having a dig.

    'I am having a *nightmare* with ... she's so unsupportive with all of her bullshit weight loss advice. If she opens her mouth one more time, I'm going to punch it.

    More tea?'


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