Monday, 13 August 2012

Agonising

The first problem I was offered was way too much for a first-timer Agony Aunt such as myself; however if any of you fancy your hand at advising on how to deal with the mother-in-law from hell then give SLESE1014 a hand here.

For my first column I’ve opted for two yes or no questions, but I’ve not opted for the easy answers (which would be yes and yes).

Dear Auntie Lizzie

Perving on lithe male Olympic athletes - yay or nay? (assuming they and you are 18+...)

QoB

Dear Lusty Lady

You’re thinking about little Tom Diddly-Daley aren’t you? Body of a man, face of a petulant toddler.

I really think it depends on how you define perving. Appreciating the work that has gone in to sculpting those abs/ thighs/ pecs/ budgies that they are smuggling (Delete as applicable depending on your personal taste) is surely just good manners. If you find yourself rubbing against the telly and leaving it all smeary then, I respectfully suggest, you’ve maybe gone a tad too far.

However, it must be said the first thing I said when the Borwnlee brothers got Gold and Bronze in the Triathlon wasn’t a gasp of desire but a wail of “their mother must be so proud.” Which makes me think my libdo and I need to have a good, long, hard, um… chat.

But they’re legal, you’re legal. I’d rather you flicked the bean to a real example of physical excellence than 50 Shades.

Yours perving right alongside you

WFI

Dear Auntie Lizzie

My question would have to be drinking before 2pm, yes or no?

April

Dearest Booze Jockey

I’m going to assume you are talking about alcoholic drinks?

A resounding yes for this. If you can’t drink before 2pm then how can you have a drink at lunch time?

However, pre-12noon requires a lot more caveats - it is allowable in the following circumstances:

1) special celebration days (Christmas Day, weddings, birthdays, hen nights, Sundays) when you have a buck fizz (mimosa) with your breakfast

2) pre-flight if you are of a nervous disposition and you are taking off before the sun is over the yard arm.

3) when there is a major sporting event that is in another time zone. I have fond memories of going to the pub at 7:30 in the morning to watch England play in the world cup in 2002 in Japan.

4) at 11am when you kid has been screaming all night and a little tot of gin – or mother’s ruin – is calling. Just to calm the nerves. This is the daytime drinking I am particularly looking forward to.

I love you, you’re my best friend, *hic*

WFI

Yup, still loving this.

Next problems please, in comments or by email, names will be withheld on request. (womb4improvement@gmail.com).



8 comments:

  1. !!! Budgies?? I think a circuit in my head just shorted! I may never be the same again.

    Ha, see, I knew it, you're a natural.

    Still working on my question. A good, juicy one. Stand by, Auntie L.



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  2. the first thing I said when the Borwnlee brothers got Gold and Bronze in the Triathlon wasn’t a gasp of desire but a wail of “their mother must be so proud.”

    That's OK. I think my favorite Olympic moment was after Peter Wilson won the men's double trap gold and was interviewed by the BBC, at the end before the camera left him his dad comes into view and he shouts "Dad!" with such pure joy in his voice that you'd think seeing his father rivaled winning Olympic gold.

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  3. Did you *see* the interview with Chad le Clos's dad? Pure delightful, it was (she says, revealing her nationality).

    Thank you for solving my dilemma. In the interests of karma, I'll just leave this here...
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-best-tom-daley-gifs-of-all-time

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  4. My personal favorite drinking early experience was the Long Island Iced Teas we made directly following my last final (Organic Chemistry) of the year - the final was at 9, I was drinking by 10:30...

    Sigh. I should have stretched it out a little - instead I got my life's drinking done in the first 2 years of college.

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  5. As someone who works nights...drinking before 2PM is a regular happening....I tend to drink around 8AM...

    The olympic men/boys? Some are definitely nice to look at...but I think I need to have the same talk with my libido...it seems to be a bit lacking...

    excellent work for the first column...I'm looking forward to more...

    And thanks for looking or assistance with my unique situation...maybe someone has an idea we haven't thought of yet!

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  6. One of the best parts of spending these last few weeks in England has been getting a daily dose of Daley. Yes, I'm almost twice his age, but who doesn't love a cougar?

    I'm now going to rack my brains for an agony worthy of Womb advice.

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  7. Is it okay to start drinking before 9 am if it's for a charity fundraiser for orphans? Even is its bloody marys not mimosas?

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  8. Ah, the perving. It has been a high point of the past few weeks.

    Wait, what was the question?

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I've resisted word verification for ages but I'm getting so many spam comments at the moment that I think it is time. Sorry!