Wednesday, 13 June 2012

What's in a name?

The husband got off the phone. "I hadn't spoken to him since ... you know."

In the last post I referred to "recent events."

The doctor called it a 'missed miscarriage'.

The leaflet I was given refers to 'early embryonic demise'.

When we were on holiday we talked about "um ... *cough* ...things". Until we had a conversation about what exactly to call "things".

Regardless it being factually incorrect in this instance I hate the word miscarriage. It implies that we are at fault. We miss-carried like Hilary Clinton miss-spoke. I was carrying perfectly well, so well in fact that despite the embryo's heart beat stopping I kept carrying until the two were forcibly removed from my womb, and even now tissue lingers.

'Loss' is another term often used.  Again, however, there was no losing involved I knew exactly where they were. Although I suppose I lost a version of the future that I was getting quite attached to.

We tried out a few new names.

The husband suggested IVFgate. I wasn't convinced, it sounded a bit too light-hearted for what we've been through, but then making light of things helps me through difficult times and it is a hell of a lot better than 'dead babies'. (Babygate was also suggested but that has more of a health and safety vibe than we were looking for).

I was rooting for The Death Womb, but even the husband felt that was a little too dark (and whilst arguing against it took the opportunity to remove all sharp objects out of my reach).

So IVFgate it has become.


  1. First, I am really sorry to read of your news regarding the retained...(now, there's another difficult exercise in terminology...never did like "products of conception"). I hope that it's a momentary aberration and that nothing more needs to be done.

    I've also found naming things very difficult. I mean, call a spade a spade. But there doesn't seem to be much territory between vague euphemism and cold, clinical vocabulary.

    IVFgate. Rings correctly to my ears.

  2. Great. Now I have a picture in my head of shady characters sneaking into your womb, rifling papers, and looking for evidence of scandalous behavior.

  3. Also hate that word. Whenever I hear it I mentally add .."of justice" and think of people doing 25 years inside for a crime they didn't commit.
    IVFgate is decidedly better.

  4. The womb of doom?

    The very clinical names used in the whole process are easy to mock, but I suppose to call it something emotive might make the whole process worse.

    I found that finding the humour in the situation did help me cope, strange as it seemed to others.

    Two years on from the process it is simply referred to as "last time"- as in when my husband asks me why i am not volunteering at a bi-ennial childrens art festival- "because it reminds me of last time...." and the conversation dies. a catchy name might help.

  5. I vote for IVFgate as well. (Hugs) so sorry you are having to go through this and I hope you get answers and your bfp soon.

  6. If only having a cute and catchy title made it hurt any damn less. I'm so sorry that there aren't good words, but of the options, envisioning tiny little flashlights dancing around sneakily in your womb is best, I guess. Hugs.

  7. IVFgate works, doesn't take away the pain though, guess only time and a take home baby will do that--here's hoping for both.

  8. Uhg....oh how I remember this. I was appaulled and horified when my paperwork at the clinic for my D&C of my twins (which had died almost two weeks prior) labeled my procedure as an "abortion". I lost my shit and told them all reference to that word needed to be removed from my file. And this had nothing to do with any political or moral thoughts of my just was NOT what this was. We did call it the miscarriage or the twins or (whispered) "the first pregnancy", but they all sucked. I like is like someone snuck in your womb and stole out the preciousness that was there as a result of your IVF....there should be an impeachment! Someone should be held matter the name, title, just sucks!!! But....I do love your ever optimistic attitude and the fact that you still can find some humor amongst all the crap. Hang in there. I will be praying for you and your next pregnancy and take-home baby.

  9. I'm not sure if you want to hear from me right now, but I have only just seen your (horrible) news.

    I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I'm glad Italy helped somewhat. And yes, I vote for IVFgate too.


  10. Oh Liz - hang on in there. Better days have got to be round the corner. IVFgate is spot on.


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