Saturday, 30 June 2012

Slowly getting there

In a way the past couple of weeks have been harder than directly after IVFgate.

I am crying a lot in short sharp bursts. 

The smallest thing sets me off:

  • Someone asking how I am
  • Seeing how my twin's pregnancy bump has grown in two weeks since I last saw her (OK that can't be described as a smallest thing)
  • Telling someone the name of my new niece
  • Finding my stash of vitamins for pregnancy and breastfeeding, bought on offer when I was six weeks pregnant and confident I'd need them for many many months to come
  • In an art gallery, can't remember what got me going there
  • Stubbing my toes (admittedly that'd probably make me cry at any point).
On the plus side the tears go quickly. I can be in the kitchen at work crying over split milk (literally) one moment then back at my desk laughing at my colleague's hand cream the next.


I confided in the husband as I wetted his shoulder (from both eyes and nose, which is nice) one night that I thought I might be at bit hormonal.

His response of "No shit?!" confirmed my fears.

I think I am slowly getting back on a more even keel.

I certainly hope so because it'd be nice to wear mascara again one day.


  1. I only wore water proof mascara for months. You've got your sense of humor, that will take you far. Light and love to you.

  2. It's the good old horrible part where the shock finally wears off and therefore is no longer available for cushioning purposes and the reality is so bloody grim. I am sorry. I found myself crying into the washing-up because I dropped a teaspoon, while shouting 'for the love of f*ck, woman, STOP CRYING!' at myself, for the entertainment of the neighbours. Also, under circs, getting snot on husband is mandatory.

    Many hugs.

    (I actually have that same handcream, and until you pointed it out, I had not thought of THAT. And now I can think of nothing else).

  3. Oh yes, the smallest things... There's a certain chime that my clinic's ultrasound machine makes every time the tech takes a picture... and it's the same chime that sound certain mouse-click elicits on my husband's computer. So now, 10 months after I lost my baby, every time I hear that stupid chime on his computer, I'm instantly taken back to the dark ultrasound room where we learned our baby had no heartbeat. Makes my stomach turn still... but maybe the pain has dulled some after all of these months passing. I wish you peace, and I'm sorry you have to go through any of this.

  4. So sorry for what you're going through... be gentle in yourself - this is huge. Thinking of you xoxo

  5. More silly hand cream...less of the other stuff.

  6. Hormones, bah. Was wondering how you were with your twin, if you could cry with her or need to run.
    And can so relate to the stash of vitamins...empty boxes I dare to keep, but future supply?
    Sending stabilising vibes.

  7. Here are some good vibes from across the seas x

  8. You WILL get there, not the same as before, but I promise you, you will. Hugs.

  9. It's no wonder you are emotional given what you have been through. One day you will look back on all of this and think how glad you are to be past it.

  10. estee lauder double wear mascara my love.

    NOTHING takes that shit off. I know.


  11. Thinking of you often. Xx

  12. Omg Liz. I haven't checked in on you recently and I can't believe what you are going through. Xx

  13. Read your blog and am very moved. I have had three failed ivf cycles and one early loss, so I know the feeling. I am currently participating in a clinical trial in Athens, Greece for women with Killer Wombs. They are trying a new protocol, let me know if you want details.

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