Saturday, 23 June 2012

Golden Dribbles

I have an inconveniently shy bladder.  I have never been one of those girls who will got to the toilet in a club with a gaggle of girls.  If I know anyone in any of the other stalls my bladder clams up, and god forbid if someone tries to chat across the partition when I attempt to wee.

Whilst I am sure you are fascinated by my peeing habits you may wonder why I am sharing my toileting habits like a new mother on Facebook. Trust me it is relevant.


My bladder is particularly reluctant to perform when I am given a pot by a doctor and asked to fill it, or requested to empty my bladder before a scan. When I had to give a sample for the pregnancy test at the Early Pregnancy Unit it took many long minutes and resulted in an embarrassingly small amount just because I knew they were the other side of the door waiting. When I was subsequently scanned the doctor commented how full my bladder was. 


Treacherous body part.


So when I went back to the clinic after a week to see if the last remaining bit of tissue and blood had worked its way out of I suspected that once again I would be asked to fill a pot of piss. The receptionist didn't ask, but as I waited I realised that I did actually need to nip to the loo.


Trust me, this is going to get relevant soon.


I trotted off and saw a bunch of sample pots in the toilet. Suddenly one of the most cunning plans I have EVER concocted came to me. 


Chances were I would be asked at some point during the appointment to fill a pot, I needed the loo right then and no one was timing me, so why not do a quick sample now when the pressure is off and pop it in my bag so that when I am asked I can go to the cubical pretend to piss but the wee is already done.


I won't lie I had been inspired by many past Olympic Athletes. (See, only a month off being topical - see this post is golden, as is ... well never mind.)

I go into the appointment and go through the normal history stuff when the Doctor asks for a sample. "Yessss" my little internal monologue thinks and my internal fist does a little victory jab "one nil to Liz, take that bladder."


I get up and grab my bag.


"Oh you can leave that here, I'll wait in the room"


Shit.

I have two choices: produce the sample now and 'fess up, or lie.

My over-active imagination quickly projects how she will interpret the truth.  Maybe she'll think the whole pregnancy was a fake and that I milked pregnant women for my previous samples (OK so I didn't think this through as she had the back up of my scans, but I was panicking). A worse by-product of the truth occurred to me, what if she thinks I am the kind of woman who carries round a pot of piss all the time?

So still clinging on to my bag and I said, "Oh I need to take this because it has some ... *glances around feverishly* pads in it."

I went to the loo, made the switch, gave the nurse the pot and strolled casually back into the doctors room to be scanned by a woman who probably thinks that I don't trust her not to steal my purse whilst I go to the toilet.

Little wonder she still found tissue and blood and booked me in for a second evacuation.

I didn't even ask whether the test was still positive.



14 comments:

  1. That's hysterical...I just lauged out loud as I read this. Mainly because I think I could see the exact same thing happening to me! Sorry to hear about the second evacuation though. Hoping you move through this soon.

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  2. What a fabulous story. Great to have those during such times. So sorry about the second evacuation. I too, had 2 - 6 days apart. So frustrating.

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  3. Lol, great story! I would have done a Blue Peter impression and say 'here's one I made earlier!'
    I have a shy bladder as well and do struggle to produce samples. Next time I have to produce a wee sample, I shall think of you and chuckle!
    X

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  4. Sisters in bladderhood! I shall steal your Cunning Plan, for It Is Very Cunning.

    Deeply hacked off on your behalf that you have to go under a secodn time. Doctors! For the love of all that's decent! Do a proper job the first go! Because there's nothing like a botched or incomplete D&E to put a crimp in a woman's cheer and suavity. (I mean, I didn't have to go under a second time, but that little surgery Could Have Gone Better and I'm still a little peeved (May, is this about you? No it is not. Shut up)).

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  5. I have to plug my ears, close my eyes and sing a song in my head to pee in public bathrooms. It's awful.

    I'm sorry about your bad news. I had to go back as well, 5 weeks later. Don't they get the big bucks for this bullshit NOT to happen?

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  6. I don't usually have a problem producing a sample. If I did, however, and had the foresight to provide one beforehand, I'd have pulled it out of my purse, popped it on the desk and given the doctor TMI until she covered her ears and cried.

    Sorry you have to go back for more...

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  7. Ah, pee shy. I have had my moments but never concocted anything as smart as pre-filling the pot. (Kind of makes me understand the pressure on the menfolk, that demand to, er, produce on demand).

    I'm sorry about the second evacuation. Phooey. Enough, already. Once is tough, twice is just an unspeakably rotten, cruel turn of events.

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  8. I was bringing my wife's piss to the doctor's when I met a friend who looked rather sad. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her father had just died and hugged me tightly. The urine cup broke and leaked inside my jacket :-(
    She obviously thought I had pissed myself and further explanations would have just made it worse.

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  9. I was smiling at this story, but I've just read Anonymous' comment now, and I'm grossed out!

    Wishing you the best for your next procedure, and sorry you have to go through it.

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  10. Now, see, I'm clearly a nice doctor; when patients of mine have shy bladders, I send them home with a bottle after every visit, and they can bring in a freshly squeezed specimen to their next appointment.
    Good luck with the evac, may it be over before your head even know it.

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  11. Oops, that sentence came out badly - may it be over before you even know about it.

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  12. LOL, literally. Of all the fears people have about what doctors are secretly thinking of them, this - "what if she thinks I am the kind of woman who carries round a pot of piss all the time?" - has to be among the funniest.

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  13. Hope the sequel went ok for you....

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  14. Ohmygosh, I hope you never have to give a urine sample for a drug test. I just had to, for a new job, and they take away all of your stuff (purse, etc), give you a cup, and stand outside the door waiting on you for 4 minutes. That's all you get. At least, here in the US, at the lab I went to! Not for the shy of bladder!!

    Hope you're feeling better.

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