Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Mind Over Matter

The doctor who scanned me last week told me I had two options:

I wait to miscarry naturally or I opt for a medical 'evacuation'.  Whilst he made it clear it was absolutely my choice he also indicated that a natural miscarriage might be best for my body. It is more natural, allows my hormones to reset themselves, and is likely to be a cleaner - more comprehensive - evacuation.

I tried to wait.

I thought it had started naturally but it was a false alarm and for the last week I have been in a hideous limbo. Both dreading and hoping for the arrival of blood.

My morning sickness doesn't seem to have been impacted by the fact that there is nothing living in my womb. The placenta is continuing to churn out hormones, and I am still being sick on a daily basis. Whatever resolve I had to wait has disappeared somewhere down the toilet one morning along with my breakfast. Morning sickness is one thing when you think it is a sign of a healthy womb inhabitant exerting its influence on your body, but a very, very miserable experience when you know it is for nothing.

We went to the hospital yesterday morning and once I'd had a thorough wanding the doctor confirmed the earlier diagnosis. The twin that I thought had gone was still there, along with a larger but equally unviable embryo.

No heartbeats.

No hope.

Again I was given the options but with no timescales for when I might miscarry (it could be weeks still) we opted for the evacuation.  I am booked in for Friday.

It might not be the best solution for my body, but I am quite, quite convinced it is the right solution for me.

This is one emotional rollercoaster I cannot wait to get off.





37 comments:

  1. The right decision. Too much waiting on a roller coaster is not good for the mind. You need resolve & some peace. You are constantly in my thoughts as a strong individual, so honest with a sense of humility that I really feel your pain here. Just get it out, and focus on being the good person you are. Xxx

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  2. I honestly cannot believe you have had the strength to wait this long. I think this is a good decision for you. It seems impossible to actually move forward and start healing until the process is over. Thinking of you x

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  3. (Hugs) I am so sorry you had to make this kind of decision, but I think you've made the right decision for yourself. Only then can you start to heal, drawing out the suffering and the emotional rollercoaster isn't what your mind and body needs. You are a strong, amazing woman, and I know you will get through this. Keeping you in my thoughts as always. (Hugs)

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  4. Not that it matters, but I totally agree with you. I'm sorry you have to make the choice.

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  5. I think you absolutely have to do what is right for you. Thinking of you.

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  6. Oh lady, how I wish you weren't in the position to have to make this heart wrenching choice. Thinking of you and himself every day.

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  7. I think you are making a good decision. With my first loss I tried to wait it out and naturally miscarry but after a week of waiting it was messing with my mind too much. I was relieved to have the D&C done and have it over with. Hang in there.

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  8. Oh Liz...I'm so so sorry. I really do know how this feels. We had the same thing happen at pretty much the same time in the pregnancy (of twins even) and had the week of limbo that was awful. I completely support this decision you are making. I had a very easy time with the procedure and my body actually reset very very quickly. All was good and I have gone on to have two healthy pregnancies since. So I know it totally sucks ass to be in this position...but being in limbo is the absolute worst. I will be thinking of you and will try my best not to let you beat me at words with friends to help you keep your mind busy. :-)
    Many, many hugs.
    Karaleen

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  9. An awful choice, but one you had to make. Right now it's all about you. You're in my thought today and Friday.

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  10. Thinking of you. This is a terrible decision to have to make. I made the same one (although in the end I miscarried the night before the procedure).

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  11. Waiting to miscarry is the absolute worst. I was offered a non-D&C medical evacuation (misoprostol taken at home) and while it was agonizingly painful, it was still better than the waiting. Wishing you the best in getting through this.

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  12. I am just so, so sorry you are going through this. Sending so many thoughts your way.

    Mo

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  13. Not an easy choice to make, but hopefully one that offers you even the tiniest bit of closure; you have been through something terrible and deserve so much better. My thoughts are with you for today and through Friday - sending my support from across the pond.

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  14. It's the right solution. It's the whole situation that is wrong. And the truth is that you could wait and wait and wait. And still need to go the route of evacuation. For me, my hormones went down almost immediately and my morning sickness dissipated soon after. (You're right: a horrible irony to be sick with a nonviable pregnancy). Waiting for the HCG to go down is another wait, but it is the start of being on the other side of this loss. I'm sending you lots of good thoughts for Friday.

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  15. It's not an easy choice but I think I would have made the same choice. You deserve so much better than this.

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  16. I think this was absolutely the right choice for you. Having been through four successive miscarriages I understand the need to just get it all over with. All the best, I've been wondering how you were doing (even though I don't know you of course). This was not how it was supposed to end, I know.

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  17. *hugs* I'm so sorry.

    I made the same decision - wanted to be past it so I could focus on moving forward, rather than waiting in limbo. No regrets here.

    Sending good thoughts your way.

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  18. sending prayers your way! I am hoping Friday will begin your healing process and remember to giver yourself time.

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  19. I think you've made the right decision. I've had a lot of natural miscarriages, and one involved about two months of bleeding, and I'd just started making moves towards scheduling an 'evacuation' when my hormones finally levelled out. The next miscarriage i had the operation and things went back to normal much quicker, which was better for my mental health.
    i'm thinking of you, and think you're very brave.
    xx

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  20. Thinking of you. I had one D&C and 4 natural miscarriages, If I were to go on the same road I would opt for a D&C again. Hugs.

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  21. So sorry this pregnancy has turned out like this. My first pregnancy ended in missed m/c detected at 13 weeks when I had some spotting; baby had died at 8 weeks. So if I had known what was happening it would have been a 5 week wait.
    Get lots of rest. Grief and healing are exhausting.

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  22. I too opted for d&c when I had to make such a shite decision. It sucks. But it sucks more to wait and then go through hell again. Thinking of you. Wishing you the best, deary. Hope for a happy ending soon.-ish.

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  23. I opted for the D&C too.
    Ultimately for me it was exactly what my body needed as my son was conceived within the month.

    One thing I really wanted to come home to was a bunch of flowers as an acknowledgement of our loss .... and I did. Hope someone is there to acknowledge your loss too. XX

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  24. Sounds like the best thing to do. :( So sorry. There is nothing about this that is not utterly shite.

    (I had a dream the other night where you were taking delivery of literally hundreds and hundreds of chocolates. Under glass bell jars, big piles of chocolate truffles. Thought I'd share.)

    Hugs for Friday.

    xxx

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  25. My heart is just breaking over and over again for you. love and prayers x x x

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  26. That made sense to me too. They also gave me the option of the natural miscarriage, but like you, I just wanted it to be over. It felt like it would hang over me until then, and that it was the only little bit of control I had.

    Thinking of you. Many hugs.

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  27. Ugh... I'm so sorry you are going through this and still have morning sickness on top of it all. That just seems cruel. Sending you many warm thoughts.

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  28. Oh Liz, I'm so sorry that these are the options you are facing. I'm hoping that the path you choose brings this to closure soon and provides you with some amount of peace.

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  29. I've been wanting to respond to the past few posts, putting it off until I found the 'right' words. Clearly there aren't any. And I'm sure you've been told everything from "this sucks" to "I'm sorry" so anything I do say will just be a repeat... and I'm sure nothing can help at this point. So, alas, what's a person to do? So I'll say what I think... that this sucks goat balls... hard. That you've already been through enough, many times over, and you do not deserve this on top of everything else. To be given even more hope... real promise... and have it taken away. I don't pretend to know/think that "everything happens for a reason" (it's a nice sentiment but I often have my doubts) and that everything will turn out okay. But I do know that you want and deserve to be a mom. And I really, truly hope that happens. Somehow. Someday. And I'm heartbroken that it isn't this way. Today. I've been thinking of you lots. In a non-creepy 'I've never met you way'. xoox

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  30. A difficult decision to make, and entirely understandable.

    Just, for me, make sure they're gentle with you...

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  31. I chose to do the same,and don't regret it. Sending love to you.

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  32. You have to do what you feel is best. Thinking of u. X

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  33. Its the right thing for you to do, Liz. This is such an unimaginable situation and I hate that you're having to go through this after such a long struggle to get here in the first place. The morning sickness added feels like a sick fucking joke. I am thinking of you and wishing there was something more I could do.

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  34. I have been meaning to leave you a reply on here, I don't know if you got my twitter message. First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. Life really sucks sometimes. I think you did the right thing opting for the D&C, otherwise you could be in limbo for weeks and it's a horrible state to be in. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. I went through the same thing five years ago this week. Still remember it like it was yesterday.

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  35. Thinking of you and hope this roller coaster is over for you soon xoxo

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  36. It is such a difficult decision. Glad you chose the right path for you and I hope it brings some peace.

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