Tuesday, 1 May 2012

It wasn't supposed to happen like this

Last night I started to bleed.

Heavily.

I called the husband from the toilet and told him I was bleeding "From where?" was his slightly clueless response.

It wasn't just fresh, red, blood. There was a clot - a big one. I knew what it meant.

I called the clinics emergency number and went there this morning for a scan.

The Doctor warned me she wouldn't say anything for a while and then I waited whilst she made a thorough examination of my uterus.

The husband held my hand throughout, (he does have some uses).

And there was a baby, with a steady strong heart beat, measuring 6 weeks and 3 days - by my calculations I am six weeks and four days, it is close enough.

Then I cried.

From the shadows in my womb that the doctor could see it looks as though both embryos originally implanted and I lost one last night.

I can't mourn the one I lost, I want to focus on the one that I now know I have.

It is, despite everything, a good day.




72 comments:

  1. Phew so glad there was good news this morning despite what must have been a very distressing night. My clinic always used to say that about half their pregnant IVF patients would experience bleeding in the first 12 weeks and for very many of those it wouldn't mean a bad outcome. Even so I remember the terror of seeing blood very well.

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  2. Oh the fear. It's amazing how our own bodies can strike such terror. I'm glad to hear that all is going well, because it is: you are pregnant with a healthy embryo.

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  3. Oh god, how freakin scary, thankfully there's one hanging on. Hold tight little baby, sending you many good thoughts!

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  4. Oh no, I'm so sorry you lost one of them, what a mixed feeling. Glad you still have a little one growing with a strong heart beat. Keeping my fingers crossed for a healthy pregnancy and beyond.

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  5. So sorry for your loss! I'm sure you will still have heart ache. Yes- continue to stay focused on the good though and you are blessed to have a healthy heartbeat inside of you!

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  6. I am so sorry. I had bleeding with this pregnancy as well and it scared me to death. You would think after all of this, we could at least have a low stress pregnancy.

    I am sorry for your loss. It must be so conflicting to mourn the loss of one embryo and celebrate the life of another. My prayers are with you.

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  7. Thinking and praying for you and that healthy heartbeat.

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  8. Holy shit! You scared me! I'm sorry they both didn't take, but I'm glad that one is holding on and having a strong heartbeat and measuring on time.

    That is a good day, in spite of what I'm sure was a few hours of terror.

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  9. You are already such an amazing momma. Stronger than I could ever be. I am both sad, happy, in awe and amazed for/by you. Hang in there little baby... hang in there little momma!

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  10. Holy crap, what a night/day you had!

    I'm so sorry for your loss but so happy for the ultrasound results!!

    Hang in there Baby!!

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  11. Oh sweet jesus - my heart fell when I read your opening line. Be good to yourself today lady and I hope the little bean stays very sticky.

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  12. And yay! for a good strong steady heartbeat.

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  13. O thank God for your remaining baby! It must be such a mixed emotion for you.

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  14. Oh god, I can't even imagine how scary. I am so sorry for your loss, but am so relieved to read there is still one baby going strong. Lots of prayers for you and your baby.

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  15. oh phew! my heart was in my chest reading this. i'm sorry you lost one but so so glad you've got a nice strong heartbeat on the other one. take it easy the next little while, ok? thinking of you!

    mo

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  16. hmmm...i think my heart is always in my chest...meant to type "in my throat"...ugh!

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  17. OH goodness....you scared the crap out of me Liz. Whew. I have to take a moment to still my heart. I do understand wanting to put all your positive energy in that beautiful little beating heart in there. Many hugs to you girl. That is a scary, scary experience. Rest and recover....hugs.
    kd

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  18. How scary! Sending you hugs - hang in there. This is all so emotional.

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  19. Sandy in Florida1 May 2012 at 17:50

    You stopped my heart - just stopped it. This has happened to a few of my friends, what looks like loss of a twin. But you have a heartbeat, you have a baby!! I remember a friend of mine had tried so hard to get pregnant (& I was trying at the same time). After she was pregnant she told me that you never stop worrying, there is always something. After I got pregnant I understood, every time I felt like I was past a hurdle there was something else that would make me worry. And in the end, everything was just fine. Please, keep your sits & humor about you, know that these are emotions you're going to go thru and just take each day one at a time. ((hugs))

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  20. Oh Liz. I am both so sorry and so glad.
    Xx

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  21. Oh Liz. I am both so sorry and so glad.
    Xx

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  22. Oh Liz. I am both so sorry and so glad.
    Xx

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  23. Oh I cried.

    And then I let out a breath.

    And then I teared up again.

    There are no words that are right.

    But, I will tell you what they told me after two miscarriages and I got to see an early heartbeat (5w 5d) ... once you have seen a heartbeat your risk goes down dramatically. And there are two big hurdles ... 12w and your risk goes down even further, and 24w ... viability.

    Thinking of you.

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  24. I'm sending you a BIG hug! You got this! Focus on the good, because it is going to be OK!

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  25. Oh my gosh, my heart sank when I read the title. I am so sorry for your loss. But so happy for your strong little guy/girl. Stay positive as hard as that is. I bled my entire first trimester-bright red blood-I didn't relax until I had my little guy in my arms. But a strong heartbeat is a great sign. Prayers for an uneventful rest of your pregnancy.

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  26. Big exhale. Whooof. Wishing you all normal, straightforward and boring from here on out.

    (pregnancy, that is)

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  27. It's hard to know what to say in a comment when you're both so happy and so sad. I think your title sums it up. None of it is supposed to be this way. But I'm glad that in the end it was still a good day, and I hope things continue to be good!

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  28. oh god! super scary.
    I'm very glad that there's a beautiful healthy little baby that needs you to be strong and positive. I'm sure that everything from now on will be easy peasy :D

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  29. Oh my love. I'm sorry. Big hugs to you. Don't be afraid to have a good cry for the babe you lost too, but I am so glad there is a wee dude hanging in there strong for you xxx

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  30. Like the others have you said, you have great waves of happiness and sorrow right now, and I am one of many out here quietly watching and hoping for you, babes.

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  31. I'm very sorry you lost one. And really happy there's one still there going strong.

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  32. I'm so so sorry about you losing one. And I'm so so glad the other baby is still going strong. My thoughts are with you...

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  33. Glad to know your baby has a strong heartbeat. I can't imagine the stress you went through, so I'm now wishing you an uneventful and happy pregnancy for the next 36 weeks. xox

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  34. First off...yay for the strong heart beat of the baby growing in your uterus.....

    Secondly, as someone who had a horrific bleeding episode, 2 actually in my pregnancy, I know how scary it can be. I'm so glad you're OK and you have one baby growing away.

    Thirdly, feel free to mourn that loss, but celebrate at the same time. It's not easy, but if you need to mourn, allow yourself to do so while praying for the one growing.

    Sending you hugs and love and prayers for a healthy full term pregnancy from here on out!!!

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  35. Light and love to all 4 of you.

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  36. I am so happy for you that there is a baby there. I had the same thing, and even now I think about the baby that I lost, but it was so early.......You are entitled to have both feelings.....

    Hugs

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  37. Oh and I should tell you the other baby is now 14 years old!! LOL Hang in there

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  38. Keep focusing on that one healthy, strong, fighter in you!! I too lost a twin and while it was sad/terrible/heartbreaking, I still have one and am so so thankful. So happy for you!

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  39. What a horrible scare. I am sorry you lost one, but pleased the other is doing well. X

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  40. I got scared there for a bit. I am both sorry and happy for you. It is a good thing to focus on the heartbeat. You'll have time to deal with everything else later. Don't know exactly when, but face it, you will. Best of luck!

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  41. You poor thing, such a horrible experience.... So glad there is still a gorgeous little heart beating away, what a little treasure.

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  42. I nearly died of fright just reading that. Oh, thank God thank God for the beating heart at the end. Many, many hugs. Lots.

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  43. I am so sorry for the loss but so incredibly happy for the strong heartbeat. Such a stressful moment. Incredible and scary all at once. Thinking of you.

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  44. I'm so sorry for your loss and I am thinking positive thoughts and sticky vibes for the little one you still have growing away inside of you.

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  45. You brought me to a screeching halt with that first line. I'm so sorry for that horrible dread. But so very glad for your heartbeat. This is huge, Liz. A major hurdle to clear, and you have cleared it.

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  46. I'm so sorry and glad. I was told seeing a hb that early puts you in another lower risk group for mc. Hang I'm there.

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  47. Do not freak me out like that again! I am sorry for your little bean that didn't make it but so beyond relieved you have a little fighter in there that is going to make you a mum :)

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  48. This is my first visit to your blog. I'm sorry that you've just received some sad news. It must be hard to lose one even though you have another. Hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth sailing. I'll be following along to cheer you on!

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  49. Well I'd like to follow along but blogger is not cooperating

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  50. I cried reading the first few lines of your post. Then I realized you saw that amazing heartbeat, and I was relieved. After reading about the probable lost twin, I cried again. It seems that the roller-coaster ride is never-ending. I am so sorry for the baby you lost, but am celebrating like crazy for that strong little bean with a beating heart!

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  51. Anon - Berlin2 May 2012 at 08:29

    Beat beat little heart.
    Liz is going to be a fantastic Mummy

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  52. Have the hospital put you on rest? I'm sorry you've experienced this but the reassurance of a little heartbeat must have thrown your emotions into complete positive disarray. Thinking of you this morning.

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  53. It is a good day for sure. I am full of tears for your joy. I admire your attitude and strength and hope i too am blessed similarly.

    BIG HUGE KISS to you all,

    Ax

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  54. So so scary. What a terrible fright you must have got! Thinking of you and looking forward to your emails over the next 7-8 months!

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  55. So sorry you had to go through that - so very terrifying and sad - but wishing great things for your healthy growing baby over the next few months.

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  56. Such a scary time for you. XXXX

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  57. I stopped breathing when I read about the bleeding. I am so happy that you still have one precious baby holding on. I am so sorry about the loss of one. I'm thinking of you...

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  58. So sorry for the terror and for the precious one you lost. So glad that there is still a baby in there looking back at you. Will you still go for today's scan? Sending good thoughts.

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  59. I have been slacking terribly on my blog reading, and just now caught up with your exciting news! I am so sorry for the little one you lost, but so incredibly thrilled for you that you still have one sweet baby left. Sending you so many positive thoughts! I hope that you don't have any more scares and that the rest of your pregnancy is blissfully uneventful.

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  60. Thank goodness there's one baby remaining, but oh! Your precious, long-awaited little one. And the terror the loss will bring for the rest of your pregnancy. I'm so sorry. Wishing for smooth sailing from here on out for you.

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  61. I have never been a churchy person. But I am gonna pray like crazy. Hugs to you.
    xx
    Erika

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  62. I was six weeks and three days when I lost mine. I can relate to the absolute terror you must have felt last night and this morning. I'm so sorry you went through that.
    Erika..again.
    :)

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  63. Oh, heavens. So sorry for your loss, but tremendously glad for the baby you have. And indeed, that's the one to focus on. Take good care.

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  64. I'm so sorry to hear your news... thinking of you with all my heart xoxo

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  65. My goodness. So sad but so happy. I was told by the person that did my scan that once there is a heartbeat the risks are dramatically reduced. Bring on 12 weeks Hun - just take every day as it comes.

    PS CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    (deliberatly excessive amount of exclaimation marks.)

    x

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  66. Reading this gave me chills. What a horrible few hours you must have had. I do think it's ok to mourn the loss. It will only strengthen your bond to the one who remains. Be good to yourself. Sending you lots of good thoughts and a huge hug!!!

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  67. Hugs to you on your loss, and a huge congratulations on the pregnancy. Hope you can get some time to just kick back and take care of yourself. This is such a special time.

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  68. I don't think i took a breath or blinked until I saw you say you there was a good, strong heartbeat. I know it won't make it any less painful or sad, but it is apparently fairly frequent for a twin to pass in the early weeks. Most women (ie, fertiles) would never know there was a twin as not everyone gets an early ultrasound. The *good* news from all that is the surviving twin is the stronger of the 2, and some studies have shown that a twin early on that "vanishes" actually helps and promotes the survival/growth of the other.

    Hang in there and take it easy. You have to lounge for 2 now!

    (ps- I hope that didn't come off as insensitive. I wanted to share that info in the hopes of it easing some of your worry.)

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  69. Oh so scary! I am sorry for your loss, but so so happy you have a beautiful little one thriving in there!

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