Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Are We Nearly Done?

After the thrills of last week this week seems rather tame. The most exciting development has been to download a medication tracker app to remind me to take my Buserelin four times a day, Prontogest thrice daily and once a day alert me to take folic acid and aspirin.

I don’t get a scan until Friday so in the meantime I just hope that my womb lining is growing in a neat triple layer all fecund and welcoming for a couple of soon-to-be-defrosted embryos.

Without the injections or heavy ovaries it is hard to remember that a transfer is going to happen. I am certainly much more forgetful about medication than I have ever been before (hence the app).

I have yet to calculate the due date of any baby conceived.

Well, I say that, I’m blatantly lying - it’d be on or around the 20 December. Busted. However, I haven’t obsessed about the date or even fretted about it being too close to Christmas – Wenceslas/ Holly/ Ivy are perfectly good names.

I’ve not acupunctured, hypnotherapised myself or even waxed.

I haven’t changed my diet or replaced my caffeine-free tea bags. I’m back on the hard stuff.

On the one hand you could interpret this laid back approach as something pretty admirable, a low stress approach to IVF. More realistically I worry it is symptomatic of a complete lack of belief that anything I can do will affect the outcome, I am almost resigned to failure. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have already handed over many thousands of pounds for egg growth, collection, storage, womb scrape and other incidentals I’d be inclined to forget the whole thing.

I have often wondered when enough is enough. A few years ago I thought five years would do the trick, that it would be the trigger to give up on my baby hopes. A few months ago I thought “just one more time”. Now, with five embryos on ice I definitely won’t stop until every single one has been defrosted and replaced in my womb. But once these ones have gone will I start again and try to grow some more in the hope that another 20 eggs will give me something tangible than an ever increasing overdraft and massive sense of injustice?

I am beginning to think that maybe I won’t.

But who knows, if there is one thing I really should have learnt by now if these hormones have a tendency to make my mood somewhat changeable (at this juncture spare a thought for the husband who took the brunt of a hormonal wife with added Mother’s Day on Sunday). Maybe tomorrow I’ll bound out of bed and declare that I will keep going until every last egg has been squeezed out of me.



9 comments:

  1. Here's to it working with the first little frozen one, so you don't have to wonder any more. At least, on that score...

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  2. Carol is a boy's name as well as a girl's...

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  3. Do cut out the caffeine before the FET please my dear. Oh I am so hoping this time is the one that works! I'm sure you are too but it's so difficult to walk that fine line between optimism and delusion.

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  4. What about Santa? Seems like a perfectly good name to me.

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  5. I am not sure when enough is enough for us. Hubby thinks use up the three frosties and that's it. I'm not so sure. I thinks it's hard to make that decision, seems fso final. I guess we will know when it's time.
    Good luck. I will be a month behind you with my FET. X

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  6. Nothing wrong with the laid-back approach... I sometimes wonder whether all my obsessing over diet etc is just counter-productive. Love IVF apps... I always need a reminder :)) I've learnt too that I can't think straight with hormones... get all emotional.. and I've banned myself from making any big decisions when I'm on hormones :) FXd for you xoxo

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  7. I'm soooo rooting for you!!! xo
    Erika

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  8. Noel/Noelle are good possibilities too.

    Hoping, wishing and praying for you x

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  9. Just de-lurking to say I really hope it all goes your way. X

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