Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Are We Nearly Done?

After the thrills of last week this week seems rather tame. The most exciting development has been to download a medication tracker app to remind me to take my Buserelin four times a day, Prontogest thrice daily and once a day alert me to take folic acid and aspirin.

I don’t get a scan until Friday so in the meantime I just hope that my womb lining is growing in a neat triple layer all fecund and welcoming for a couple of soon-to-be-defrosted embryos.

Without the injections or heavy ovaries it is hard to remember that a transfer is going to happen. I am certainly much more forgetful about medication than I have ever been before (hence the app).

I have yet to calculate the due date of any baby conceived.

Well, I say that, I’m blatantly lying - it’d be on or around the 20 December. Busted. However, I haven’t obsessed about the date or even fretted about it being too close to Christmas – Wenceslas/ Holly/ Ivy are perfectly good names.

I’ve not acupunctured, hypnotherapised myself or even waxed.

I haven’t changed my diet or replaced my caffeine-free tea bags. I’m back on the hard stuff.

On the one hand you could interpret this laid back approach as something pretty admirable, a low stress approach to IVF. More realistically I worry it is symptomatic of a complete lack of belief that anything I can do will affect the outcome, I am almost resigned to failure. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have already handed over many thousands of pounds for egg growth, collection, storage, womb scrape and other incidentals I’d be inclined to forget the whole thing.

I have often wondered when enough is enough. A few years ago I thought five years would do the trick, that it would be the trigger to give up on my baby hopes. A few months ago I thought “just one more time”. Now, with five embryos on ice I definitely won’t stop until every single one has been defrosted and replaced in my womb. But once these ones have gone will I start again and try to grow some more in the hope that another 20 eggs will give me something tangible than an ever increasing overdraft and massive sense of injustice?

I am beginning to think that maybe I won’t.

But who knows, if there is one thing I really should have learnt by now if these hormones have a tendency to make my mood somewhat changeable (at this juncture spare a thought for the husband who took the brunt of a hormonal wife with added Mother’s Day on Sunday). Maybe tomorrow I’ll bound out of bed and declare that I will keep going until every last egg has been squeezed out of me.


  1. Here's to it working with the first little frozen one, so you don't have to wonder any more. At least, on that score...

  2. Carol is a boy's name as well as a girl's...

  3. Do cut out the caffeine before the FET please my dear. Oh I am so hoping this time is the one that works! I'm sure you are too but it's so difficult to walk that fine line between optimism and delusion.

  4. What about Santa? Seems like a perfectly good name to me.

  5. I am not sure when enough is enough for us. Hubby thinks use up the three frosties and that's it. I'm not so sure. I thinks it's hard to make that decision, seems fso final. I guess we will know when it's time.
    Good luck. I will be a month behind you with my FET. X

  6. Nothing wrong with the laid-back approach... I sometimes wonder whether all my obsessing over diet etc is just counter-productive. Love IVF apps... I always need a reminder :)) I've learnt too that I can't think straight with hormones... get all emotional.. and I've banned myself from making any big decisions when I'm on hormones :) FXd for you xoxo

  7. I'm soooo rooting for you!!! xo

  8. Noel/Noelle are good possibilities too.

    Hoping, wishing and praying for you x

  9. Just de-lurking to say I really hope it all goes your way. X


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