Thursday, 12 January 2012

Portentous

I awoke on New Years day and before I was even properly conscious, or able to pull together a coherent thought, I was hit with an absolute certainty:


I knew I would never get pregnant and have a child.


Now I am a martyr to The Fear. The Fear being the day after a heavy boozing session I feel on edge and nervous, as though something terrible is about to happen. The night before my prophetic vision, as you’d expect had been a large boozy one, so it is no coincidence that I would awake with such a doom-laden prediction. Equally it is no coincidence that as a result I haven’t drunk alcohol since New Year’s Eve (or New Year’s Day if you want to get pernickety about bedtimes).

So what to do with the knowledge? Well, there are two mitigating factors.

1) I have the psychic ability of a dishwasher tablet. This has been amply demonstrated as at some point during every previous IUI or IVF I have had a strong suspicion it has worked.

 Every.

Single.

Time.

I haven’t wanted to say anything out loud but you know when you JUST KNOW. (And then it doesn’t work and you know that you didn’t ‘just know’ and suddenly the negative pregnancy test feels overwhelmingly inevitable)?

2) My father-in-law told me during the holidays that I’d have a child.  He even offered to tell me the sex of the child, I declined. He assured me “You will have a child at exactly the right time not too soon, or too late. But you will have one.”

So who to believe?

Well, I have absolutely no intention of acting on my gut feeling and giving up on reproductive intentions as a result of a hungover induced thought. And I very much look forward to being proved wrong.

Even if it means that I'll have to start listening to my father-in-law.

Tell me, have any of you had any psychic premonitions that have come true?






16 comments:

  1. Yes.....pregnancies (not my own), the sex of babies (not my own), who I would marry (my now husband) - and suffer a lot from deja vu.

    But then I'm a weirdy hippy cleverly concealed underneath my normalness!

    I too get the Hangover fear - it's like a horrible black film over your. Yucky, yuck, yucky

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  2. Yes! I had one of those intuitive messages from who-knows-where telling me I would get pregnant in May. (I did.) Then I had 4 separate dreams that I was pregnant before there was enough HCG to register on an internet cheapie! Why I didn't get any "you're also going to miscarry" messages, I'll never know :-(

    But every once in a while, at the most random times & places, I'm overcome with a supernatural sense of optimism - where I can almost hear the words, "don't worry, it will happen" and it brings me to tears... in a good way.

    Don't give in to the fear! (Have you ever considered asking for an answer in your dreams right before going to bed?)

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  3. Oh - that old chestnut - the fear... Yes I had it too. I was certain it would never happen for me. I'd had too much heartache and it just felt impossible, inconceivable, for the want of a better word. But today was the 4th anniversary of loosing my first child at 26 weeks and I visited her grave with my 7 month old baby girl in my arms. Don't give into the fear Liz - it's a ruthless, lying monster.

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  4. Nope. IF makes all that mumbo-jumbo obsolete. You can't will this to work, or make it happen (or not) with your thoughts.

    That said, I don't think succumbing to The Fear is a good thing. I was sure I wasn't going to be a mom until we tried one more procedure and voila! I'm pregnant.

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  5. No, never. But IF has made me want to believe in signs, even though I know rationally that it's all nonsense. I've been wrong so many times though that it's impossible for me to believe in this stuff. What I do believe in is staying as even keel as you can through the process (which for me is not very!) I think overly positive and overly negative is bad. I try (and don't often succeed) to take a "what will be, will be" approach. I am glad you are pushing forward, despite your fears. And I'm really hoping this next one will be the one for you!

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  6. That absolute certainty you had? I felt it, too. And I felt it absolutely. So much so that it chilled me, taunted me, mocked me, shivered like the coldest voice echoing in the coldest canyon. And you see how that turned out. The Fear exists in theory only.

    My conclusion? The only state I knew at that point was one in which we were childless. That was the only known quantity. The other? 100% pie in the sky. Difficult to imagine but also impossible to abandon.

    I actually think we are absolutely the worst predictors of things to come. Even if I believed in psychic premonitions - and I'm on the fence there - even psychics are notoriously bad at predicting things close to them, and have a much easier time telling strangers about tall, dark and handsome strangers.

    (Have I mentioned that I have a good feeling about your next IVF?)

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  7. I remember the times I would have the "epiphany" that I was never going to have a child, never going to get pregnant. Usually it was while I was in the shower, I guess because it really was that kind of "quiet & alone" time. I would cry and cry in there from the bottom of my soul, because the sorrow & hurt of truly understanding it just wasn't going to happen for me was overwhelming, like seeing clear thru a fog.

    It was so, so real for me. BUT, always a but, my son is now 22 months. I still look at him in disbelief, he's really here. But I still remember how crushing those "this is my life" feelings were. They can be overwhelming and so hard to reconcile.

    I was talking to a girlfriend today, she got pregnant within 7 mos of trying to conceive with her first son. The 2nd one took about 2 1/2 yrs to conceive. She had made a silent pact with herself that when she hit 40 she was going back on the pill, and if the first kid was the only kid, that would just have to be. She tested positive 1 month prior to her 40th birthday.

    Sometimes it's truly when you think it's game over, that you're just wrong. Thank G-d for that! I often wonder if life just takes you where you need to be, not always to your happy place, but where you need to land for some reason.

    I'll mark myself anonymous because my story about myself crying in the shower is kinda sad and downbeat.

    P.S. Crying in the shower is kind of good, because no one can really hear you and you're already wet so the tears aren't so obvious.

    P.P.S. - Even though at times it's been downright crappy in this journey, you're not on your "game over" yet.

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  8. I've had lots of "you're going to miscarry" "messages" and they have been right each time. I also had "N's baby is going to be stillborn" messages and "N isn't going to sign TPR" messages. So basically I am very good at catastrophising.

    We are crossing our fingers that being pregnant is not necessarily something you *have* to do to have a baby. Signs are we are right.

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  9. So like everyone else I had the "Fear" too also I too get very edgy and pessimistic after a night of too much drinking. The only semi-psychic thing that happened to me is that when my husband and I were on our way to meet with a new RE in NYC (we were taking the train down from Boston) that my husband pointed at the map and said "look the clinic is only 2 blocks away from the Whitney museum" I started crying and I knew at that moment that this was going to work. My late grandfather who I was very close to was the director of the Whitney in the 70s. Still kinda makes me tearful.

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  10. You can come and have a consultation with my downstairs neighbour if you like?

    [that should be enough to bring you to your senses about all this psychic mumbo jumbo.]

    xx

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  11. I hate the fear. I know nothing except that which is right now and that which was. What will come is a mystery, thank goodness.

    I hope your mystery has your happy ending though.

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  12. I had those thoughts too, but you can't let them get you down, as hard as it sounds. Persevere!

    Hubby had a dream that he was walking down a hallway behind a little girl with pigtails and he KNEW she was his daughter a couple years back. Lo and behold, we are having a girl. Luck or psychic ability? I say God giving a message.

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  13. I have quite a good record of knowing I'm pregnant WHEN I'm pregnant, but before I test. But I also wonder whether I'm pregnant every time I burp in the week before my period's due on every damn cycle I ever did have. Can't predict a cycle in advance for nuts. Can vapour about it for England.

    As for people who 'predict' I'll get pregnant and have a child 'at the right time', I say 'why is the 'right time' only after I have been driven to my knees after YEARS of trying and multiple miscarriages? What's so 'right' about me being damaged in health and having gone through bout after bout of anxiety and depression? Eh? EH?' And then I stamp my feet.

    However, when I was a teenager, I had a horribly strong fear I'd have a miscarriage one day. I even wrote dismal poems about it (I still have the dismal poems, so I know I am not imagineering this out of anxst and wishful thinking). And, lo-and-behold... Harrumph. I should go back in time and slap the 17-year-old me for A) being right and B) thinking in any way it was emo-romantic, dark and interesting.

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  14. I was very very sure that I wasn't pregnant the week before I tested positive- even gave a list of why not to my husband. Of course, the fact that I wouldn't tell anyone for fear of miscarriage (which did happen) kind of brings the average to 50/50.
    Of course, I have thought I was pregnant multiple times since then, and never have been.
    Now I get the Fear.

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  15. I had that feeling of grim certainty a number of times over the three years. I still do (which yes, I know, sounds particularly insane).

    My point is, our minds are powerful organs and can do the strangest things. Sometimes I think it's best to ignore them.
    xx

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  16. Fear fucks with the mind. I convinced myself I was prregnant when I wasn't then that the ivf hadn't worked when it did. Don't listen to your inner voice, it lies!

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