Saturday, 15 October 2011

Womb Biopsy

I spoke to my Dad on the phone yesterday morning.

He knew I was going for an appointment but had lost track of what this one was for.

I explained it, as I have on here, as like sandpapering my womb to get the embryo to stick.

He chortled.  "Now I understand, when you put it in engineering terms." For that was his profession. But then he got a bit ahead of himself.  "I would have thought" he conjectured "that they would do it just before the put the embryo in." Clearly thinking approximately three weeks prior to the transfer was a bit premature.  At this point I had to remind him that a) it was an analogy and b) he wasn't actually a fertility doctor.

The womb scrape itself was painful, more painful than I remember.  I found myself wishing I'd bought a block of wood to bite down on. I contented myself instead by wrapping my hands in the modesty sheet and gripping it as the Doctor scraped around.

The pain is like intense period pain spasms, but when you are stirruped-up with a gentleman between your legs, making small talk, you can't double over in pain and call him a fucker.

Yesterday evening I'd confidently planned to go round to some friends for dinner, predicting that I'd feel no after-affects.  I was wrong, but forced myself out anyway.  What a glorious dinner guest I must have been grumbling in the corner about my womb spasming. The only time I managed to get animated all night was when I was trying to describe the pain, explaining to the men that they could never understand the pain a woman feels.  They tried to counter this with a discussion of the agony of being kicked in the bollocks.

Well, that may be true.  But I've never known a fertility Doctor to suggest a well-aimed gonad shot as a cure for male infertility. The worst the husband has had to suffer is an orgasm.


  1. Ouch!! I'm sorry it was so painful! It doesn't sound fun.

    Love the last line. Every time my husband complains about this process I glare at him. Oh, poor you. You have to have another orgasm. How sad for you. Sheesh!

  2. Ow, indeed. Block of wood? Oh, you poor girl. :(

  3. Wait, why can't you double over and call him a fucker? I mean, it's probably good sense to wait until he's all done, but I'd probably try to get it in there somewhere.

    You want to know one of the funniest things I ever heard regarding ridiculous male behavior? (Childbirth reference - you may stop reading here) I was "in labor" (which means on pitocin) for about 20 hours, 12 of which were with epidural. Let's not forget that to get an epidural, they must stick a giant needle in your spinal column. I had an internal contraction monitor (which hurts like hell). However, my husband told me that he had endured more discomfort because I had the bed in the hospital and he had to sleep in the stupid reclining chair. I laughed, quite literally, for half an hour straight when he dropped that bit of male perspective on me.

  4. "The pain is like intense period pain spasms, but when you are stirruped-up with a gentleman between your legs, making small talk, you can't double over in pain and call him a fucker."

    .... for future reference, yes, yes you can.

  5. "you can't double over in pain and call him a fucker." Made me laugh out loud - I know have potato chips on my keyboard. Thank you.


  6. I had a similar procedure, well 2 of them. The first one I was awake for and the pain was horrific. The second one I was knocked out for and there wasn't any pain after...just soreness...but hey if it works, it's worth the pain, right?!?!

  7. OMG! I'm horrified that they did this to you awake!! There's a move here in Oz to doing invasive shit like that while under and I remember my specialist telling me he thought that making women go through things like that while completely conscious was misogynistic.

    I hope it works though!


  8. That sounds awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through that (yet again). And wow, you are right - and orgasm for the men - how lucky are they?!

  9. BLECK. I've now had TWO of those mofos done, and they SUCK. By far the worst thing that has happened during this whole experience. Buut it's over, sorry you had to go through it.

    Good luck with your IVF!

  10. i am going for mine this friday, and after reading your story I am scared to go there, Oh my God I am a coward!!:(


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