Sunday, 3 July 2011

Take These 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Be Infertile

I don't know if you've seen that meme kicking around: Follow these 14 simple tests before you decide to have children (I've linked to it, but please don't feel obliged to click through, it is an infuriating read for anyone who has made that decision and can't actually follow it through).

I was first alerted to it when someone emailed it to the Wombmate (my twin sister).

Emailed it to her on bottom of the email commiserating on the lack of success in her IVF.

I know!

Who could possibly think that was appropriate?

Anyway, it got us thinking.  Here is our list:

Take These 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide* To Be Infertile

1. Supply all your female neighbours with pillows and get them to walk around with them under their jumpers and follow you on your commute to work. See how you feel about being surrounded by pregnant women.

2. A year in advance, pick three days a month when you will have sex. Do not check these dates against any other external events such as work travel or flu season. Ensure that you copulate on these days, and only these days, it will help if you also get very angry if you partner declares themselves to be not in the mood. Still insist on having sex, but do it grumpily.

3. Scour women's magazines for highly unlikely pregnancy stories (my personal favourite: Teenage girl with no vagina gets pregnant from blow job and stab wound). Stick the cuttings on the fridge to 'trump' people who call to tell you their latest urban myth story.

4. Make sure at least 50% of you female friends are pregnant or have children, and the other 45% are planning a family when you start fertility treatment. This will ensure a happy stream of birth and pregnancy announcements. Aim for two a month.

5. Have daily smear tests and keep the door open to maximise the number of strangers viewing your (formally known as) 'privates'.

6. Get a dice with faces entitled: tearful, sad, angry, irrational, loopy and over-optimistic. In preparation for unexplained mood swings resulting from medication, simply throw the die several times a day to determine how you are going to behave.

7. Do not buy new clothes for at least five years in anticipation of you soon becoming pregnant and therefore growing out of them. Soon all your clothes will be out of fashion, faded, misshapen, full of holes - or, hopefully, all four.

8. Provide all your relatives with wildly over optimistic 'data' on the likelihood of IVF working so they can keep your spirits up if you get a negative result.

9. Practice weeing on ovulation and pregnancy tests by using a q-tip/ cotton bud. But you knew this one anyway didn't you.

10. Once a month carry an onion round with you and every time you think you've stopped crying take another sniff to ensure a whole day of continuous weeping.

11. Get miserable in the company of your partner and when asked what is wrong say, "Nothing, I'm fine". After 15 minutes burst into tears and accuse them of not caring as much as you do about infertility. Do this on a daily basis.

12. Decide when you want to have a baby and sign up to a website that will email you weekly updates telling you how your baby should be developing in the womb - just to hammer home what you are missing out on. Remember, don't give in and unsubscribe or you'll lose nine months of fun!

13. Take to sticking pins in yourself every evening.  Not that we encourage self-harming on this site, but you need to get your stomach / upper thighs ready for all those injections. 

14. Reduce your going-out circle of friends to just single folk. As they couple-off and start to have families, look around for replacements. This gets increasingly hard. But don't worry, after (approx) 15 years your old friends will start to come back as their children no longer need babysitters.

Now you are ready to be Infertile.

*Like any of us actually made that decision, but I imagine many folk who found the kids one hilarious probably didn't so much decide to have children as slipped and fell on an erect penis.

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  1. Hilarious! :-)

  2. Oh god do you do #11 too??

  3. ...and that right there is the reason I LOVE this blog! (truly sorry that so many of us go through this but equally grateful I'm not the only one it's sending insane)! Zowie.

  4. I have a 15, because I'm bitter and warped. Apply to a job/degree programme you want more than life itself. Get rejected, get told to apply again later. Apply, get rejected. Apply, get rejected. Apply, get rejected. Occasionally, for added anxst, you can always be accepted and then fired summarily before probation is over. Apply again. If you decide not to apply one month, expect to be nagged and guilted over 'not wanting it enough' by people who already have said jobs. If you keep on applying, expect same people to tell you to get a life and that you're obsessed and the job/degree isn't all it's cracked up to be.

  5. #1 is my personal favorite- er personal hell, I mean. And slipping and falling on an erect penis? Bwahahahhahaha

  6. OMG, I love this, it made me chuckle so much. Worryingly #11 is true for so many of us!

  7. Oh and I just clicked on the link for #3 - oral sex, stabbing=pregnancy and it is a real article!?!? I was certain it was something you had made up!!

    PS falling on an erect penis, LMFAO!!!

  8. That is too funny! Glad I'm not the only one who does all of these=)

  9. I've got a variation on May's #15 - turn down a job offer due to the fact that your current situation has better advantages for having children (even though you hate it), and then be stuck there for years with nothing to show for it.

    Love the "falling on an erect penis" line...

  10. Love this! So true!! :)

  11. Hilarious! I couldn't believe there was an actually real story to the link for "teenage girl with no vagina gets pregnant from blow job and stab wound!" Seriously - anyone can get bloody pregnant!!!

  12. That's so funny and tragic. Oh dear.

    Where's my onion?

  13. Oh, your addition at the end just had me rolling!!!

  14. HAHAHAHAAA!! Thanks for this post!!

  15. Oh, this is just so perfect!!

  16. This was hilarious. Number 7 was too much. You have perfectly described my fashion trauma of the last three years!

  17. This was great! I am very guilty of number 7!

  18. Fantastic advice. I think I must've had a pair of those dice ruling my emotional life for a time...

  19. I perused that original list. Wow. Inappropriate is well. Glad we can all have a good chuckle because, obviously, it works the same for ALL of us. (Had to stop by about item 3).

    Your list is much better. Well, "better" isn't the right word. Accurate? Sigh.

  20. bwahaha I love it! :)

  21. I just found this, and it's made me smile on what is a crap-IVF-news-for-me day.

    Your blog is awesome and funny and honest, I think will help me in the next week of enforced bed rest.

    Thank you x

  22. Thanks for giving me a well needed laugh. No. 1 already accurate: Three years ago, being new to TTC, we moved our lives to a new town that would be great for raising kids, but now our neighbours on all sides of us are pregnant. Again. It's like having a mine field surrounding the house.

  23. Awesome..and all true

  24. Oh my gosh HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!

  25. New here, but this is REALLY FUNNY. THANKS for making me laugh! :-D

  26. I have just stumbled across your blog and wanted to share that I LOVE it.. my definite favourite from the list above is no 11. I read it out to hubby who laughed out loud and looked at me with amazement "you mean, it's not just you!?"...


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