I Tested

It wasn't a lack of willpower that lead me to test on Friday morning, rather than the long-agonised over Saturday. (Although I double checked this morning too.)

I tested for self-preservation reasons.

As each day passed, with no blood, I became more and more convinced that the IVF had worked. I felt strange, new, sensations in my uterus areas. Not painful exactly, and not like period pains, I can only describe it as an occasional 'tweaking'.

I knew that if I waited too long I would convince myself it had worked and open myself up to a devastating fall.

However, it is difficult to imagine a result more crushing than yesterday's.

It was negative. As soon as I got the result it felt tediously inevitable. Of course it didn't work, why would it?

Then I cried.

A lot.

I can't explain to anyone who hasn't gone through this how it feels. So much hope, and anticipation. Knowing that cells that are a mix of you and your husband are growing, dividing, and are transfered into the one place where they should continue to thrive. And then they don't.

I have failed.

I can't, at this moment, ever imagine that I will succeed.

I know I say in my About page that I don't want this blog to be a catalogue of "it's not fair". But today indulge me.  Today I just want to scream it, over and over.

I won't give up yet, I am not sure what the next step is. The husband and I need to regroup and rethink.

Then I am sure I'll be back with the sex gags.