Saturday, 11 June 2011

I Tested

It wasn't a lack of willpower that lead me to test on Friday morning, rather than the long-agonised over Saturday. (Although I double checked this morning too.)

I tested for self-preservation reasons.

As each day passed, with no blood, I became more and more convinced that the IVF had worked. I felt strange, new, sensations in my uterus areas. Not painful exactly, and not like period pains, I can only describe it as an occasional 'tweaking'.

I knew that if I waited too long I would convince myself it had worked and open myself up to a devastating fall.

However, it is difficult to imagine a result more crushing than yesterday's.

It was negative. As soon as I got the result it felt tediously inevitable. Of course it didn't work, why would it?

Then I cried.

A lot.

I can't explain to anyone who hasn't gone through this how it feels. So much hope, and anticipation. Knowing that cells that are a mix of you and your husband are growing, dividing, and are transfered into the one place where they should continue to thrive. And then they don't.

I have failed.

I can't, at this moment, ever imagine that I will succeed.

I know I say in my About page that I don't want this blog to be a catalogue of "it's not fair". But today indulge me.  Today I just want to scream it, over and over.

I won't give up yet, I am not sure what the next step is. The husband and I need to regroup and rethink.

Then I am sure I'll be back with the sex gags.



68 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart. Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't express enough. It's great, big, stonking, stinking unfair.
    Thinking of you.

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  2. Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it easier. Hell for that matter I wish I could just make it work. Thinking of you xxx

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  3. I'm so sorry. I have tears in my eyes for you and I don't even know you. You're right, it is very, very unfair. Please don't think you have failed, you have done everything right, it is just unfair.

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  4. I'm so, so sorry. I second the sentiment of "it's not that you failed, it's that it's hideously unfair".

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  5. I am so sorry.....

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  6. I think many of your readers here know where you are, and know that - apart from a lot of swearing - the only thing that we can say is that we are so very sorry. And we're standing by with the swearing, just say the word.

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  7. I am so sorry. Life is being so unfair and cruel to you. Thinking of you...

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  8. Oh, babe. I'm so sorry. Those sensations that begin to creep in making you think it all work, and then the stupid, stupid negative test. It's too cruel. We're here for you.

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  9. Oh no, I'm so sorry. I'm crying too.
    It's unfair, of course it is. It's really, really bloody unfair. You shout it as loud as you like honey, we're all here, in whatever way we can be.

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  10. I'm swearing and stomping with you. It isn't at all fair and I'm so sorry.

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  11. All the swear words in the world, times infinity....

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  12. Oh, hugs. Many many many hugs. It is horribly unfair and wrong and I am so so sorry.

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  13. Gutted for you things didn't work out. Write about the unfairness as long as you need, no need to entertain the masses. We've all been there or felt that in one way or another.

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  14. Delurking to say how sorry I am... you're right in saying if you haven't been through it, you just can't understand the crushing ache. Let the emotion fly- it truly isn't fair and it is more than okay to be in that place for a while!

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  15. I just woke up and checked your blog first thing this morning (no, I didn't sleep in, I'm in a different time zone) and planned to stalk it all day until you posted your results. I'm so sorry that it turned out this way. I think we all were hoping for the other result for you. I also think we all feel that this is extremely unfair for you. I'll still be reading and hoping you do get that positive.

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  16. Honey - I am so sorry! I agree with what you said, if you haven't experienced it - there is no way to understand how much this hurts. I was in your shoes a couple of months ago and I am still hurting. It's hard to find the strength to go on - but we will! Take all the time you need to vent, be angry, and grieve. We're here for you every step of the way. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.

    LC
    http://www.painpromiseunfulfilleddreams.blogspot.com/

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  17. It is very very unfair. I'm sorry.

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  18. I wish there was more I could say to help, but I am so sorry.

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  19. Crap.....this f-ing sucks a**! I'm so sorry I was really pulling for you. I think I'd have a nice large alcoholic drink right now.

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  20. There is nothing I can say....I'm thinking of you and hoping for a miracle....take all the time you need to regroup...we are here to support you, we love you!!!

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  21. I'm sorry. Nothing can prepare you for or take away the hurt of that horrible blankness. So much tried, so much invested. These stakes are very high and what we put ourselves through is very difficult. But it isn't you that failed. It's science, which when it comes to women's medicine still lags so far behind that I'm surprised they don't occasionally suggest leechings.

    I'm so sorry. It is so hard and - let's call it as it is - it IS fucking unfair.

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  22. Unfair isn't strong enough of a word. I was so hoping for a different result. Thinking of you, hoping you are taking care of yourself this weekend.

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  23. I'm so sorry. It isn't fair.

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  24. No! That's not right and it's certainly not fair. You didn't fail; medical science is failing you. I'm sorry.

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  25. Oh gosh, this really sucks, big time! Merde, I'm so pissed off and heartbroken for you! You have NOT failed and you have every right to say it's not fair. I'm glad you are not giving up and I hope you find a solution and a bit of comfort.

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  26. Sorry doesn't really express it. This incredibly, monstrously unfair. And shitty. You are in my heart and in my thoughts.

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  27. I'll say it - Not fair, not fair, not fair!

    Take some time, take care of each other. It's just NOT FAIR.

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  28. Oh, but it really ISN'T fair. I am so sorry. I was so hopeful for you both.

    Do take time for yourselves, won't you? I'll be thinking of you, and wishing you the best, as ever and like so many others.

    xx

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  29. You have every right to feel what you are feeling. I'm so sorry. Saying that it sucks is a gross understatement. Thinking of you.

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  30. Please don't mind me asking and forgive any ignorance. Was this the "test" day that the doctor's said it was ok to test on? Could it have been too early and there might be a positive (hopefully) in a few days. So sorry this was the way you started your day, I remember very well letting that pee stick sit out hoping for the double lines. My heart to you. ((Hugs))

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  31. Words are never quite enough, are they? It's devastating. There are so many of us who have been there too. You're not alone. Wishing i could say something to help...I like to curse, cry, hit the punching bag and then repeat. Thinking of you and "the husband".

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  32. My wife and I feel for you and your husband. We know only too well (and still do) the place you are in right now. We second the rest of the comments in that this is absolutely not fair. As a man I'll never know how you feel but I see what this does to my wife and it's horrible. I won't say all the annoying inspirational stuff like keep the chin up etc. rubbish, as I know it's way short of the mark. Be nice to yourself and each other. Lover conquers all.

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  33. I am so sorry... there are no words. I understand exactly how you are feeling, and it's absolutely devastating. No one expects you to bounce back immediately. I hope you can take whatever time you need to regroup and determine what you want your next steps to be. You're right... life isn't fair. Thinking of you...

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  34. It's not fair. It's horribly, terribly unfair and I am sorry it was not successful. Swear, kick and cry, sometimes that is just how you get through it. This blows.

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  35. Shit. I'm very sorry, it is most definitely not fair.

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  36. It is unfair. I have nothing to offer you that will make this any better other than saying I am truly sorry. I hope you have ice cream and chocolate on hand and that the hubs has a strong shoulder for you to cry on. Thinking of you xx

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  37. Lots and lots of hugs Liz.

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  38. I'm so sorry. It's hard to explain to people who aren't trying to conceive, I'm potentially pregnant every month...until I'm not. Then the baby that only existed in heart is gone again. Thinking of you.

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  39. Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you and I wish I could offer you more comfort and support from half the globe away.

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  40. eurgh! so sorry! I've been hitting my 'favourites' list constantly since your last post awaiting the news - it's almost as though if it works for you then there's hope for the others among us in the same situation! I feel totally gutted for you. I know that no amount of well meant comments can make things any better but a little reassurance that all the selfish, vile & hideous thoughts & feelings you're experiencing right now are normal & totally understandable & in actual fact it really ISN'T fair sometimes! You're more than entitled to a strop, sulk & as much crying as you can let out (I find baileys on ice usually helps too)! Anyway, I fear I'm just rambling now so I'll stop typing now but you get the point hopefully - I'm rubbish at this kinda stuff! Zowie x

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  41. I've also been waiting to hear, and wish this was better news.

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  42. I am so sorry. It really isn't fair, and it is okay to go around kicking the chair legs muttering " it isn't fair ". I was hoping I would get to log in and see a happy result, my own maybe was very thoroughly negative yesterday, so one happy person would have been nice.
    Just don't throw the pity party with the vodka and rum yet- maybe it was a false negative- they do happen!

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  43. It;s freaking NOT fair. I'm very, very, very sorry.

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  44. Oh no! I'm so sorry W4I. I hope it does happen for you. It's such a fucking awful rollercoaster.

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  45. Oh Liz, i'm so sorry. There is nothing worse than starting to have hope sneak in and convince yourself that it has worked. I always test the day before the BT date, I like to prepare myself for the call from the clinic before it happens. Feel free to scream, cry and hate the world for a bit and I look forgward to seeing you coming out of this a stronger, wiser woman who can still crack sex jokes.

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  46. Just wanted to check in and see how you are today. Thinking of you.
    Hugs.
    Wombattwo (can't log in as am on phone)

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  47. Anon - Berlin12 June 2011 16:13

    Oh Liz - words fail me. I'm so so sorry. I'm thinking of you strongly xx

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  48. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you feel. Thinking of you.

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  49. I'm so sorry, this is just awful. You capture it beautifully, it takes me right back. I wish it had been different for you.

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  50. so very sorry. i really was wishing on a star for you. it is the most awful thing...i know how much of you heart and soul and everything goes in to it. and then some. sending you my love and keeing you in my thoughts. x

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  51. I am so beyond sorry my dear. IF fucking sucks in every way possible. YOU have not failed. The treatment failed. Be gentle with yourself, indulge in whatever you need to indulge in right now (my flavor of choice was Cheetos, red wine, and chocolate - but not necessarily in that order), and fuck anyone who says/does/implies the wrong thing right now. It isn't just another failed cycle and those who have never been through the trickery of IVF will not understand the potential and the loss and how much this fucking hurts. Many many giant hugs from across the ocean.

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  52. I am so sorry. I was so convinced this time worked for us as well, different feelings throughout my body convinced me of it! This is awful and I am so so so sorry you too are feeling this crappy :( Hear if you need anything! xo

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  53. It really REALLY is NOT fair, and you are entitled to have your moment (or 3). Remembering the agony and sending you love and comfort. I'm so sorry and will always be pulling for you.

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  54. Unbelievable. Beyond unfair. You have been through more than your fair share of any infertile journey and I can't help but want to throttle the being behind this fucked up plan of the universe.

    Indulging in the why me is more than warranted. I am so terribly sorry. I only wish I had any words to make it easier. Any way you shake it, it sucks donkey balls.

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  55. I am so so sorry to hear this news. This is why I don't test before the official one - as I couldn't bear to get any result - whether it be negative or positive - which isn't corroborated by the official blood test.

    You still haven't had this 'official' blood test so by my understanding, you could still be pregnant couldn't you?? I really, really hope so.

    You home test must be such a HUGE disappointment and so devastating, especially after all you have gone through before now but if there is still a slim chance, then I'd hang onto it.

    But I can understand how you would be hugely upset. And I think you deserve to have a huge wallowing bawl as you are always so chipper in the face of adversity and so supportive of others.

    Thinking of you with my fingers and toes still hopefully crossed.

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  56. So sorry to read this update from you. You are totally right, it isn't fair. I have been there and I know exactly how it feels. Take time to grieve. thinking of you x x x

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  57. I was so unhappy to read this, I'm so sorry. It doesn't seem fair, it can't be fair and I certainly hope there sweeter moments in life to balance out the bitter ones.

    And being here in blogland, sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes it worse, you see others make it over to the otherside and you feel like surely your the one left still trying. It's inspiring and provides hope, yet it's discouraging and frustrating. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I'm sorry we all do, it's simply not fair.

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  58. Oh....IT'S NOT FAIR. This is completely wretched and I can only say how sorry I am.

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  59. really really sorry to read this post. its bizarre to feel such concern for and empathy with someone I've never met. I know that there's not alot if anything that can make you feel better now but I hope you take some comfort from the fact that so many people are rooting for you. you articulate so perfectly the despair that arrives with the negative result after you have invested so much emotionally and physically in this process. sometimes when I read your posts, its like reading my own thoughts. we are at very similar stages in this journey, we found out 3 weeks ago that our second cycle had failed and like you, we are not done yet but the optimism that swept us through the first cycle is a distant memory. That said, we have to hold onto a little bit of hope and here's hoping it's third time lucky for us both. Fi x

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  60. You and I are birds of a bloody sad feather, girl. Hang in there and maybe I will too xx

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  61. I am so, so incredibly sorry. It IS so unfair! ((HUGS HUGS)) I will be thinking of you.

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  62. I'm with you. Just got AF this morning. It fucking sucks. I ate raw cake batter and then drank to excess and cried some. I feel a little better. I don't recommend that combo...

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  63. So very sorry to read this post. I hope and hope that there WILL be a positive result at the end of this journey for you ... however long it takes!

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  64. It IS not fair. And you are allowed to say that.

    It is true, I don't know what you are going through. I had 2 girls and then a series of miscarriages over a period of 5 years before my last child.

    But I have had a tiny taste of that feeling and can only imagine how you feel.

    xx

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  65. It is not fair. NOT FAIR. I don't understand at all my people who truly know how great a miracle having a child is are denied it. And teenagers with no means and no common sense get pregnant every day.

    I've been following your story for two years and I am heart broken for you. I know that means nothing. But you are very very very allowed to scream out loud that it's not fair. Because it truly is not.

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  66. About some months ago I was in your shoes. I ovulated with 7matured eggs and we went for last IUI attempt 100% assured that if not one, two or even three can come out of it. I gained happily five kilos indulging everything, slept through the wait and patiently, confidently waited for nothing else than the POSITIVE! The day I found the result I was super ready. The way my world got broken into tiny little pieces within seconds was incredible. Our doctor was speechless and so was I. my 31st bday was within days and the most saddest of all I know. Just recently I'm ready to carry on. This time it will be our first shot at IVF. I'm two control pills away of starting to inject LUPRON. I'm scared shitless but again hopeful. Time helps and love love love of my dear husband who stands by me day by day. Cuddle cuddle cuddle away and love love love yourself!!!! You bloody deserve it! we will conquer it...it can't break us...NO FUCKING WAY!!! We shall be the best moms ever, just you wait!!!

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  67. I am so sorry Liz. Thinking of you both x

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