Thursday, 9 June 2011

Frozen Out

I was uncharacteristically tardy about following up on what happened to my left-over embryos. The embryologist had told me, on the day of my transfer, that I had a few embryos just trailing the chosen ones. He was going to check on them the following day and let me know what I had to freeze.

He didn't call me.

I didn't call him.

I reasoned that in this case no news was bad news. Bad news that I didn't want to hear.

Towards the end of the week I reluctantly called a couple of times, leaving unreturned messages. I was transported back to a time when I was single and telling myself if that boy really wanted to speak to me he'd have called. His silence was more telling than an awkward phone call.

Eventually, yesterday I spoke to the embryologist. He confirmed what I had guessed. Only one of the remaining embryos had made it to blastocyst, and that one was too poor quality to freeze.

I have no frozen assets, nothing held on ice for future use.

Currently, being in the two week wait the news is upsetting but I keep telling myself that it might not matter. That I might have real, living embryo(s) here with me right now.

And then a tiny, unwelcome, voice whispers, "14 fertilised, and none were good enough quality to freeze, what makes you think that the two they chose to put back were good enough to grow into babies?"

And it is that fear - not willpower - which stops me testing too early.

Ignorance is bliss.



24 comments:

  1. It'd be a strange world if we were all alike - I do so need to have an inkling of which way things are going before the definitive great Yes or the great No. Hence the peesticks plurality.

    But I am bang alongside you on the No Frozen Assets misery. I think only around 10% of blast cycles have freezables left over, but it doesn't help when you're in the 90%..

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  2. I thought the same as you, because I had 14 eggs last cycle with two put back and no frozens left over (in total, 4 made it to blast). However, one of the two blasts that got put back has been clinging on for dear life for a few months now..... I really, really hope you have the same good fortune.
    The Sheila (can't login for some reason)

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  3. It only takes one, remind yourself that and that normally your body only makes one good egg a month. Wishing, praying and hoping this time you have found it.

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  4. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

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  5. There's a reason that the two that went back in were the two that went back in - they were the best of the bunch! Hope the weekend brings only good news....I bow to your ability to refrain from the sticks of doom!

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  6. Don't listen to that little voice being negative. Only chose to believe that things are going to be "positive" this time. Thinking of you!!

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  7. Stay positive!! I'm praying and hoping this cycle is a success! I can't wait to read the results from you testing Saturday!

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  8. I've been lurking for a while... After 5 years of TTC, I went through 2 IVF cycles - both times I had numerous eggs, had several fertilize, had three poor quality 3-day embryos transferred, and had none of the remaining survive to freeze. Before my second transfer my doctor discussed with me getting an egg donor for "next time" because my eggs looked so bad. To everyone's surprise, one of those poor quality embies hung on - I had my son 10 months ago. I guess it thrived once out of the petri dish and into a natural environment! I am hoping the same for yours - hang in there, and the best of luck to you!!

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  9. The two that went back were the best two.... AND they are just were they want to be, not in a lab. Stay positive!! I'm looking forward to hearing how Saturday goes :)

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  10. Hang in there, kiddo. (Em, yes. That came out in American, for some reason.)

    Hoping for the luck that you deserve so much this cycle.

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  11. Stay positive, it's scientifically proven to help with pregnancy...well...maybe not, but I still think it's worth a shot.

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  12. I very much want you to be carrying passengers right now. I'm irked that you weren't given that news promptly. Everything possible to cross crossed and warm wishes sent to you this evening.

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  13. They chose the best ones and I'm sending you all the luck in the world for those!!

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  14. Stay positive, I couldn't even get to blast stage in the petri dish much less have anything to freeze and I have one healthy ivf toddler and another one on the way. It is very possible that your embryos will just be doing much better inside you than outside. Crossing everything for you.

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  15. Don't stress yourself out. I had a friend who only had 2 viable embryos for her 1st IVF and now she has a beautiful 18-month old little girl. The right one will shine through!

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  16. It is true, the best ones went back in, and they put those back in for a reason. Hoping so much that this works for you.

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  17. My fingers are crossed for you. You have the good ones in you already!

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  18. I suspect that, like me, part of your reluctance to get excited or hopeful about this cycle is because it will give you further to fall if it doesn't work out (something I know all too well). I hope that things turn out well this cycle, despite today's bad news.

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  19. We were in the same boat....everything I have been told though is that typically only 20% make it to day 5. All you need is one (or two) though!
    I know the disappointment though, it is tough not having the 'back up plan'.

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  20. Thinking of you and hoping that your baby(ies) is on the way. The wait is so difficult. Sending love and hope that you wouldn't have needed any frozen babes anyhow...

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  21. It's disappointing not to be able to freeze any of them but anecdotally it always seems like those who go to blast get none/very few to freeze whilst Day 2/3 transfers get more. What matters at the mo are the best ones which I hope are doing their stuff. I am totally with you on the waiting to test. I always waited for the official clinic test.

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  22. praying for you! Best wishes and baby dust and all of that. I hope your miracle is here.

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  23. Oh that is such a bummer! What a huge shame that none of your other embryos froze, but hopefully the two you had transferred will be the perfect specimens which WILL grow into little babies.

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