Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Tucking in, or chucking out?

Thank you all for your fridge distractions. I needed them.

The last 48 hours have been hell. I'd rather take no symptoms any day.

It started yesterday morning with some light spotting.  Never has a swipe of toilet paper been so minutely examined.  A google search exactly described what I had seen - light, pinky-brown stuff. Text book implantation spotting.

I allowed myself to hope.

As the day wore on the spotting got heavier, darker and ... um ... clumpier.

If I thought I was coping I was swiftly set to rights when I had an unpleasant work phone conversation. Rather than do what I would normally do in that situation - chalk up the guy on the other end of the phone as a looser and carry on as normal, further convinced of my own superiority - I burst into tears.


And.


                        Just.


                                            Couldn't.


                                                                          Stop.


All afternoon I tried to stem the tears but I blinked them out rather than away and, frankly, made an utter tit of myself in front of everyone in the office.

Which gave rise to the internal debate was this pregnancy hormones playing havoc with my emotions, or common old PMT?

This morning, first thing, the only thing that gave me cause for a little hope was that what I was seeing (and apologies for being so graphic) bore more of a resemblance to mud than blood.

But there was a lot of it.

I went to work.

I tried to ignore my bladder hoping if I didn't go to the toilet I could pretend this wasn't happening. But it was.

When I gave in I saw a full-blown bright red blood.

Day 33 of my cycle.  Three progesterone suppositories a day had failed to stem this tide.

I rang the nurse to tell her I'd started my period, and we'd failed. She spoke to the consultant and got back to me.

I still have to take my drugs, more progesterone, the HRT and the Fragmin injections as normal.

Tomorrow I'll go in for a blood test and they'll decide what, if anything, they can salvage.

I am surprised they are trying, I can't see any ending other than IVF round two for this story.

It feels like the beginning of the end.

But then I never got round to doing that medical degree, so I might be wrong.



52 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry-I'm really, really hoping for the best. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Oh Liz, what a shit time for you. I wish I knew more - like you my medical qualifications are the kind you get from watching hospital dramas on TV. So I'll just hope for you - hey, maybe you'll be like those nutty women on "I didn't know I was pregnant", (only not nutty, of course, ;) who think the breakthrough bleeding is their cycle.
    With you all the way.
    xx

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  3. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help.

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  4. No. Damn it:(

    Look, I try very hard not to be a peddler of false hope. But I DO think it's too early to throw in the towel just yet. Some people bleed quite heavily at implantation/in early pregnancy. Go to Finch's blog, February last year. She had bleeding that she described as "torrential" and thought it was all over (it wasn't). http://grizzlyeggs.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html

    It's so hard. I hope tomorrow's bloodtest brings a complete reversal. I will be thinking of you. And hoping very hard.

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  5. I'm sorry love, I was hoping so hard for you x

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  6. Ah shit, shit, shit.

    Hoping desperately tomorrow's blood test brings different news.

    Can I punch the tosser on the other end of the phone today for you?

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  7. I'm sorry. I understand your need to be realistic, but I am going to hold on to hope for you until after your appointment tomorrow.
    Thinking of you.

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  8. My heart breaks for you. I would agree that it's not beyond the realm of possibility, but I'm also one that's very cautious and tends to listen carefully to my body. I am thinking of you, and hoping that somehow your body is saying something other than it seems...

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  9. I am so so sorry liz. xo

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  10. I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you.

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  11. Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I am thinking of you and sending hugs. No wonder you had a cryathon. Too stressful and miserable. (Tell me where the jerk lives and I'll go kick his ankles). I am so sorry.

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  12. I'm hoping this turns out better for you than it looks right now.

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  13. oh no. I'm so sorry. I hope...

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  14. Hoping for a miracle but if it's not to be this time I sincerely hope that the next round does the trick xo

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  15. Oh no. I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts and in my heart during this difficult time.

    I don't know what else to say.

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  16. Oh that is so beyond horrible. I am so disappointed and sad for you. When people sometimes say to me take time out to heal I bristle with annoyance but in truth you really do need to take time out to heal and regroup. Thinking of you.

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  17. Thinking of you, and also hoping for you.

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  18. when i was pregnant the same thing happened to me, it was hormones being weird, i really hope you get good news tomorrow

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  19. Its definitely NOT over!!! Another blogger recently had bright red blood (good amounts) for 6 weeks and is now almost out of the first trimester with a healthy growing babe. Keep hoping, 'it aint over until it's over!!!' **hugs**

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  20. Fuuuuuuuucckkkkkkkk!!!

    I am so sorry. :(

    The universe really is an unfair bitch.

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  21. Thinking of you girl! I'm hoping it's just really heavy implantation bleeding. Hope things go well tomorrow for you. It's overdue.

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  22. I'm so sorry. But, I am also holding onto hope.

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  23. I bled A LOT, and I figured it was over, ran home in tears to test, and it was POSITIVE. Then I bled more and more and found out it was twins...they are now 14 months! Hang in there!

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  24. If I had known in college that symptoms of pregnancy were very similar to those of having your period, I would probably have been a nervous wreck! ;)

    You could still be preggers. We have all heard of the people who DON'T know they are pregnant because they have their period for the whole pregnancy. And the people that will never show they are pregnant on a pee stick even though they have gained 30 lbs in their stomach and seen the baby on an ultrasound.

    Have hope. And IF you aren't, then it was because the baby wouldn't be as healthy/happy/perfect as God wanted it to be for you!

    Will keep you in my prayers.

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  25. I'm sorry that this is all happening to you. With all the work and energy that you've put into this. Good luck on your appointment and I hope that the next time around goes better. We'll all be here as virtual support. Keep us posted.

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  26. Well, I'll wait for the people with the medical degrees to call it, but I'm sorry that you're stuck in this limbo. It's a special sort of hell, and you don't deserve it.

    Sending love...

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  27. I'm just a lurker and have been checking back here obsessively to follow what I really hope will be good news. You seem like a lovely person who's been through a lot with this infertility shit, and I really hope this works.

    I agree this is way too soon to count yourself out. A friend of mine bled heavily until she was 10 weeks, and is now well along, so I hope this is just the universe screwing with you (and screw you universe for doing so if that's the case!). Hope tomorrow brings good news for you, we're all cheering you on.

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  28. Hang in there hun!! I don't want to give any false hope either, but I too started bleeding at 6dp5dt and didn't stop for weeks and weeks. I was pregnant with twins (now healthy happy 5 month olds). Bleeding isn't always a bad thing. In fact my RE told me that over 70% of women who are pregnant bleed after their IVF cycle/transfer. I hope and pray you get some good news tomorrow. Thinking of you!!

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  29. Ugh, so sorry. I don't know what else to say. I'm just so, so sorry.

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  30. No... no no NO! I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))

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  31. I've been quietly following you (the blog that is, I'm not a stalker!) forever & only ever commented once - this I feel warrants a comment! I don't do 'baby dust' or all that other business but in this instance I'd consider it - magic, prayers, crossing of fingers, toes & eyes, positive thought & all that! I so hope that there still is some hope! I think all of us going through this, at whatever stage we're at try hard not to let ourselves believe that 'this one could actually' work but however you try to prepare, the disappointment is still so crushing! Above all, in the worst case scenario, I wish you the strength to stay positive about round two, and the sense to play the 'hormone' card at every possible moment - be it time off for recovery or even just a great excuse to bitch slap any idiot that dares to cross you!!! mucho love & well wishes to you! Zowie x

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  32. Ehhh, Liz, I'm so sorry sweetie. I was hoping so much this was going to be Your Turn. I agree it's still a bit early to call it, but heavy bleeding rarely a good sign. Bollocks. Only advice I can offer: as soon as the dust settles, try and get away with the husband for a couple of days and see somewhere / do something different. I always found the walls a bit close at this point.
    Thinking of you!

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  33. Oh shit. It's all I can say to be honest. Well, that and I'm thinking of you at this shitty time.

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  34. Oh Liz, i am so so sorry. It's just not fair. Thinking of you x

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  35. This is so tough, but not over yet! I'm still going to hope for the best, because you never know! HUGS!

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  36. I'm so sorry W4I, I was hoping you'd nail it first time and turn your ascerbic wit onto pregnancy digs. :(

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  37. I'm so sorry you're going through this hell. I'm hopeful that it's not all over, as a few people have said bright red blood can still mean pregnancy, I had a week of red and brown blood week 5-6 and still went on to have a healthy baby. I know it's so hard, crossing all fingers and toes that the beta test will be positive.

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  38. No, no, so sorry Liz. Waiting to hear what the blood results and the medical team say. Trying to hang on to a thread of hope too, thinking of you and sending you hugs xxxxx

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  39. Oh I'm so sorry. I would've been a blubbery mess too. Please let us know what your blood results are. I'm thinking of you today!

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  40. Here's another one of those stories of what happened to my friend. My friend was pregnant for the first time - She started bleeding very heavily and was sure this was it. Her daughter was born about 5 years ago. They suspect that there may have been an undetected twin that didn't make it. But Haley was born. Miracles happen, things happen. I agree don't throw in the towel quite yet. Thinking of you!

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  41. So sorry. I really felt that this was going to be it for you.

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  42. Oh no, Liz, I'm so sorry.
    Sending hugs, and HFF is right, if you can get away somewhere for a few days it does help.

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  43. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said above but just wanted to add my voice to those sending you a hug. Mags x x x

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  44. I'm sorry, this is just terrible.

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  45. I've seen a lot of geysers of blood lead to a healthy baby, so while I'm also averse to false hope, I am still allowing for the possibility that today brings good news... But I am so awfully sorry for what you've been going through.

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  46. Thinking of you and hoping you are wrong. What did your blood test say? xxx

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  47. I am so sorry, my clinic always makes me carry on with all drugs until test day. I guess there must be hope for some, I hope you are one of them
    x

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  48. Poor, poor you. Reading this was like reading my own so I really feel for you.

    Apparently a third of pregnant women bleed and half of those continue with their pregnancies so hopefully you are one of those - the odds are very good.

    In the meantime, rest up (good excuse to lie on the sofa watching rubbish telly if you want to), and avoid dickhead phonecallers at all costs!

    Best of luck

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  49. Well, shit. I'm so, so sorry.

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