Sunday, 26 December 2010

The Empress’ New Operation

“Right, last item on the agenda:

What are we going to do about this persistent emailer and phoner?

Of course I mean Liz.

If I’m honest we did say that we’d do the operation in early January but actually, looking at my diary, I don’t have a slot until March. Any ideas how we can get round this?

What was that Sandra?

No, if we just send an appointment through for March, then she’ll kick up a stink about getting older and probably bring up all the other months she has spent waiting for other appointments. We need to think clever…

That, my dear, is a fantastic idea. We’ll offer her an appointment on Christmas Eve. She’s a posh type, so is bound to be going off to the countryside with Mummy and Daddy and can’t possibly be able to make it. But if we offer it to her then she’ll have no come back if we send her next appointment through for March.

I’ll phone her now.

Shhh … it is ringing … stop giggling.

Er… ahem … Hello. Is that Elizabeth?

Great, well, we have an appointment date for you. The 24th of December.

Yes, Christmas eve. Can you make it?

Oh. Oh you can? Er, I see. Well. Great. See you there.


Shit, shit, shit. She can only bloody come in? What now?

There is no way there’ll be a slot in surgery on Christmas Eve.

Look, Sandy, does that anaesthetist still fancy you? Good. I’ve got a plan.

We’ll get her in. Knock her out for about an hour and just tell her we’ve done the operation when she comes round.

No, of course she won’t be able to tell that we’ve done nothing. She’ll just think that she was knocked out for all of it. She won’t expect to feel anything. And we’ll just tell her to keep taking the pain killers so that if she wonders why she doesn’t feel any pain she’ll just assume that they are fantastic drugs.

Of course we’ll give her the placebos.

Well I think that is all.

Thanks for your time.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait … hello … bugger, everyone has gone. Only I was wondering who was going to write the fake notes for her operation.

Dammit. Well, I’m not going to do it. She’s mouthy enough she can damn well tell them what she wants herself when she goes for her ‘operation’.”


This is what I like to call: ‘a comedic way of explaining why I feel so well and unviolated after my so called operation’ and what the husband likes to call: ‘Oh no, you didn’t try and do a funny did you? Don’t do funnies’.


  1. LOL. I love it. I could totally see it happening!

    Regardless -- I'm glad the recovery is going well!

  2. Ha ha!
    Horribly easy to imagine, that scenario.
    Also, great you are feeling so well.

  3. Oh Liz - you crack me up EVERYTIME. Genius.
    So happy to hear you are feeling good. X

  4. Bwahaha.
    Glad you are feeling so well :)

  5. Hooray for feeling well! And hey, no problem with a placebo "operation" if your body thinks it's ready to make babies, right?

  6. A posh type? You?? No......

  7. hee hee! Glad to hear you are feeling well! You're hillareous!

  8. That was hilarious. But I do hope you're wrong. And nevertheless keep feeling well.

  9. Sadly, I imagine they do sit around and have these sorts of conversations...

    But glad to hear you're feeling well!

  10. So funny...Liz strikes again! You rock and glad you are feeling better! Happy New Year!

  11. I'm so glad you didn't have to wait for March! And I'm so glad you're home safe and sound! Can't wait to hear how wonderful the vajazzle operations results are! :) Hope your Christmas was absolutely wonderful!

  12. I'm so glad you're feeling well after a procedure that sounds that brutal.

  13. Wow, you sound great after an anaesthetic and all that 'rummaging around', hope you enjoy overindulging now over the new Year

  14. I think I speak on behalf of your entire readership: please keep doing funnies.

    I'm glad you feel well. And unviolated. You should have asked them to take Polaroids...though I suppose I can also see the downside to that plan. 'Wait. I don't have a mole there. Just who is this in the picture?'

  15. Please, please keep doing funnies!
    Glad you feel OK. I always felt a bit crampy after mine, but otherwise OK.
    Hope 2011 brings you all you ask for.

  16. Teehee! Hope you're recovering as easily as this post leads me to believe.


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