Saturday, 20 November 2010

A Royal Engagement

Last week, in a flurry of flash photography, the (balding, horse-faced, dimwit*) second-in-line to the throne announced his engagement to his long-term girlfriend.

How we yawned.

The news has been greeted by my friends with a barrage of apathy, and a fizzing disinterest. Or it was, until T wondered aloud whether she and/or I would manage to get knocked up before Kate does. A train of thought that lead us to ponder whether her fertility has been fully probed.

And I do mean ‘probed’ literally.

I wonder if, to avoid the Saxe-Coburg Windsor dynasty going the way of the Tudors, there is now a royal decree that ensures potential consorts of monarchs should have their fertility investigated before the ring is handed over.

Has she had an HSG to ensure her tubes aren’t block? Have her anti-mullerian hormone levels been checked to ascertain that she has enough eggs to produce a brood to rival Queen Victoria’s nine children?

But as many of us know fertility doesn’t just rest with the woman. What if, having been given a clean bill of health she doesn’t conceive? Then you’d presume the efficacy of his aristocratic ejaculate would need to be analysed.

That opens a whole host of possibilities. I very much doubt he’d be whacking his royal sceptre whilst leafing through a copy of “Posh Totty” in a Harley Street clinic’s special wipe clean room. Doubtless he’d do it in the privacy of Buck House.

Which begs the question, who’d take his royal sample to be analysed? You’d have to hope he’d be more trust worthy than the Paul Burrells of this world, otherwise I forsee a black market springing up for the royal DNA.

He’d have to be pretty confident that his regal swimmers would end up under the microscope rather than shoved into the nearest breeder. Because, let’s face it, in that there Tupperware is the potential for the domination of Britain. If an enterprising young woman wanted to ensure the best possible inheritance for her progengy then surely it would be worth bribing the nearest courtier to allow her to swipe a turkey-baster full to try and ensure she succeeds where our Queen-in-waiting fails. (This does of course assume the problem lies in unexplained infertility rather than a genuine problem with his swimmers).

Because if Wills and Kate fail to produce, then next in line would then be a toss up between an illegitimate not quite test tube baby or Prince Harry (who if the scurrilous British press are to believed has about as much royal blood as me - or maybe a little bit less).

But I am jumping a head of myself. A large part of me feels sorry for the girl.

If I thought there was pressure to procreate from the moment I had a ring on my finger (wedding ring! tsk) then it’ll be nothing compared to the eyes of the nation on this couple. Talk about performance anxiety. How will she ‘just relax’ with that kind of media attention?

Anyway, I'm taking bets. How long after the wedding do you reckon her pregnancy will be announced?

*description added by the husband, he's not exactly a Royalist.


  1. I expect they will wait till his tour at the helicopter rescue place in North Wales is over so that she can have the sproglet in London/ the South East. Bet they try to avoid a birth around the Olympics too. So i say late 2012/ early 2013.

  2. Oh, dear, I had the same thoughts.

  3. It was also the first thing that sprung into my overactive fertility obsessed mind and I quickly brushed it aside in disgust at myself.
    I'm glad to see I'm not alone in my crazed musings.
    Thank you Liz for dissecting 'the issue' with your usual brilliant unique wit and charm.

  4. Boy, does this ever make me happy we don't have royalty! We just do the reverse assuming...when a celebrity over 40 has twins, we assume it was IVF.

  5. you've made my day (tell your husband, he's so right....) x

  6. Just imagining a breeder with a Tupperware container and a turkey baster.

    As for her, I shudder to think. Do you remember Princess Masako in Japan? (And, frankly, Masako is brilliant compared to this one...and they still only cared about her baby-producing bits).

  7. I didn't think of that but apparently Princess Mary of Denmark was put through the fertility ringer to ensure she could conceive prior to marriage so in truth you are probably not that far off the mark.

  8. Awwww, I think they're a really good couple, she looks like a real (Disney) princess, and the country always likes a good Royal Wedding to look forward to.

    Love your speculations about their potential fertility though. The thought of the Royal sperm being intercepted on it's way to the clinic....genius!

    love Wig x

  9. No idea, but every time someone I know gets married that's immediately where my mind goes too.

  10. She's probably as fertile as an alley cat. I'm sure there will be a royal pregnancy announcement before the end of this year. Kate's #1 duty for the next few years is to produce an heir so she and Wills will be gettin' jiggy wid it over the next 6 months, they're probably aiming for 2-3 babies in close succession. And of course, her body will snap back into shape like elastic every time.


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