Sunday, 18 July 2010

Some Tips For Your Next Appointment

I doubt many of us enjoy the prospect of an internal examination. However, there are ways to inject a little fun back into the proceedings, here are my top tips to help you go about it:

1) Prior to giving a urine sample why not eat large quantities of beetroot to give your urine a warm red glow? Or, if that is too reminiscent of your period, asparagus adds a green tinge which is bound to get the nurses talking in the staff room.

2) Next time the doctor is about to whack a thick rubber industrial-strength condom on the dildo-cam, whip out your own condom and request they use that instead. Pass the prophylactic over whilst holding doctor's eye contact as you purr: "Ribbed, for her pleasure." And then lie back tucking your hands behind your head and prepare to be impaled.

3) Or why not go really classy? Consider investing in a tattoo in the inner upper thigh region. Maybe something to commemorate the number of people that have had a good old peer up your tunnel of love.

I am quite fond of this little number:

Alternatively, forgo the need for an internal examination at all. Simply lift your top and voila! your uterus is there for the world to see:

4) Often I read about how unfair it is that we have to go through so many painful, embarrassing and hormone-unbalancing treatments whilst our men folk simply have to have a slightly awkward wank in a sterile environment. So, next time you have an internal, suggest that your partner shares the experience and hops up on the couch, face down, for his own examination. It is always good to get your prostate checked out regularly so really, it is for his own good. And remember, if your fellow really loves you, he'll be up for it without a whimper.

What's that?

Sorry, I just heard the door slam...

I wonder where the husband has gone.

Hello? Hello?

I think I'd better go and save my marriage, in the meantime please leave any other ideas for brightening up appointments in the comments section.


  1. Well - thanks for that. This is the second ugly tattoo I've seen today.
    The other being this one:
    (warning - the url gives you a heads-up as to what you'll see what you click. pardon the pun).

  2. Bueller.....?!

  3. I think the prostate check is the best idea I've heard all year!

  4. I laughed hard at this! I needed that. Thank you!

  5. This had me rolling on the floor (as did deardarl's link to the bad penis tattoo, though I think it might also have blinded me).

    My only contribution: when you hear the telltale rustling of your medical file in the hallway and you know that the doc's arrival is imminent grab the dildo cam and start singing into it like it's karaoke night. I nearly did this once (but held myself back at the last moment).

  6. I really needed a laugh today! Thank you!

  7. omg, hilarious!!! we had leftover saline and needles left after our first ivf. i suggested to dh that if he REALLY wanted to empathize with me, we should inject him with saline in the tummy, just like i had to do. he refused. and know what? i actually got PISSED about it, bc hello. why not? i have to do it, SHOULDN'T he want to experience it with me? ummm, apparently not :o(

  8. Thank you so much for this! It made me hoot with laughter :-)

  9. Oh this was hilarious! And what was with that tummy tattoo? Wow... that's dedication to your lady parts!
    Oh, and thanks especially for #4. Somewhere in my house, my husband is fighting an inexplicable urge to cower in a corner.
    Adele: Lmao! Great idea! I wish I had the b**ls to do dildocam karaoke. Wouldn't that be hilarious if everyone posted a picture of themselves singing into the camera before the doc walked into the room?

  10. LOL, thats great! Made me laugh!
    How about when they bring out wanda, ask if it vibrates as well!!

  11. Hah, don't know whether to laugh or cry. That tatoo, why? Why? Oh, WHY.

  12. I have an appointment with dildocam tomorrow morning, shall be trying to keep a straight face now :)

  13. Ribbed, for her pleasure. You're brilliant!

  14. Happy belated birthday and thanks for all those tips :-)

  15. deardarl, wow, puts a whole knew meaning to the phrase Puff the Magic Dragon.

    hairyfarmerfamily, Anyone?

    areyoukiddingme, I dunno how many blokes would agree with you.

    Happy to oblige, Madelyn

    What would you sing Adele?Kings of Leon "Sex is on Fire"?

    Any time April

    Sienna, that is a brilliant idea - tell him it is just a little prick ...

    That was the plan Illanare

    I take it his back is the the wall Jackie

    Nic, nice one, and asks them to turn it up to the max?

    Why indeed, Twangy, somebody, somewhere thought it was something that they wanted to live with for the rest of their life.

    hmmon, hope it went well, did you try any of these out?

    conceptionallychallenged, why thank you.

    Ta Jem

    Thanks Lorna, let me know if you use any of them!!

  16. Love love this post!!

    Particularly supplying your own condom for vag cam. Hysterical :-)

  17. *taking notes for her next pap smear*

    It is gunna be EPIC! Thanks.

  18. I kind of adore the reproductive organs tattoo. No matter how many times I look at pictures of the stuff, it somehow remains a little mysterious. (Though having an incredibly inaccurate tattoo [unless there's something unusual about that person's anatomy...] would be a serious bummer.)

  19. Whoa. Tatt THAT? People are... special precious.

    I have on more than one occasion 'suggested' to H that it'd be only fair if he had his prostate 'seen to' every time I endure a little session with the Wand Monkey. He usually takes this as a cue to make me tea or offer to put my favourite DVD on. Hmmmm.

    Will be thinking of you on Thursday.

  20. Absolutely hilarious, just in the middle of cycle #3, and this really made me laugh til I cried!!!! Thanks a million :)


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