Sunday, 4 July 2010

The Sex*

How many of us have made an oblique reference to our friends' love lives only to be faced with the retort, "Sex? What is that? We don't do that sort of thing now that we have kids."

Oh.

Just me then.

For the infertiles the response is somewhat tweaked. "Sex? Not unless we're ovulating!"

But that of course does a disservice to all the infertiles out there. Because we don't just have sex when we are ovulating. There are plenty of other occasions that force us to disrobe and make the two-backed beast.

Below is my list of The Sex:

The Freshener
Anyone who watched Spitting Image in the 1980s will have been haunted by images of the famously celibate Cliff Richard's sperm wondering around his ball-sack with zimmer frames and walking sticks. Nobody wants that as your conception juice. So a few days before ovulation / any sperm test there is the 'junk the spunk' shag, allowing time for a healthy bunch of young gun swimmers to be spawned and get ready to get a wriggle on.

The "spontaneous" Sex
We all know that trying for a baby means that most sex is timed by a temperature rise or a positive ovulation test rather than the mood. This can cause a little resentment, maybe it can be thrown back in your face during an argument "AND we only have sex when you're ovulating." So you make sure you throw in a "spontaneous" hump, even muttering something afterwards about how it was the wrong time of the month anyway. Word of warning though, the next time you have a row and are accused of only having conception coitus, don't bring out your marked up temperature charts to 'prove' that you had sex with no chance of breeding. (Just the fact that you catalogued it negates the spontaneity).

The Special Occasion Shag
Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries. The traditional days when we feel lucky to be loved and, in turn, make love. Actually, these days are more likely to include a hump than previously. You used to go out and get absolutely plastered, and find yourself waking up fully dressed, with a furry tongue and no action. Nowadays, when a special occasion means treating yourself to a single glass of wine, you are actually compos mentis enough to see the deed through to the end.

The "it worked for my friend's cousin's dog-walker" Sex
We laughed when we were initially told about some random friend of a friend who had unprotected sex on the last day of their period that nine months later resulted in a bundle of unplanned joy. But the tale stuck, and started to niggle, and before you know it you are just trying it out. Humping with hope, just on the off-chance that it'll work for you too.

I am sure there are others that I have forgotten. So tell me, we're all friends here. What are your non-reproductive sex tales?

Updated to add
I just had a call about my hysteroscopy on Wednesday. Had I received the information leaflet? Er ... no, is there anything that I should know? Well, explained the woman, the main thing was to make sure that I hadn't had unprotected sex this cycle. 8 days in and I didn't even pause, Nope. Which kinda marks out the footnote as a lie. Sigh.

Up-updated to add
Shit! Just remembered we did have sex a few days ago. Oh bugger, that says a lot for how memorable it was. But it can be discounted as a serious contender for baby making cause it was a bit Leona Lewis. You know ‘Bleeding Love’. Geddit? I’m wasted here, I really am.

*It would be easy to assume whilst reading this that I am speaking of my own love life. Naturally after fifteen years together the husband and I still make rampent, hungry sex on the kitchen floor every night. This is just a generic post about infertile sex.

Obviously.

What?!


12 comments:

  1. Lol. None really to add (how sad is it that I really can't think of any other times...) but definitely the "omg, look at the chart, I can't believe it has been so long...we'd better do it so I can mark it down and not feel like a total prude" sex.

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  2. I can't even describe the unusual category we inhabit...it would probably lead you to say "get to a marriage counsellor immediately!" :)

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  3. Your kitchen floor isn't big enough. Besides, the dog would get in the way....

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  4. Let's not forget Make-Up Sex, where you put on all your best Urban Decay and roll around on the kitchen floor moaning.
    Also hot weasel sex, where you turn up the central heating and watch wild life programmes.

    What? That's right, isn't it?

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  5. Love it.

    Sadly, non-baby sex is usually to prove that all sex is not baby sex, so I guess I fall into category 2.

    There is also the 'maybe-I'm-a-complete-moron-and-am-charting-all-wrong-and-really-have-no-clue-when-I'm-ovulating sex' But I guess that technically qualifies as baby making sex because in the end I'm hoping the random, poorly-timed sex will get me pregnant.

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  6. There is the "if we have sex now, odds are he will let me sleep late tomorrow morning, and there is a good chance I can get breakfast in bed too" sort of sex.

    Really ejoyed this post!!

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  7. I laughed throughout this post. Like Blues all I could really come up with was missed-the-big-O-by-a-hair-but-we-might-as-well-try-because-you-never-know variety of sex. For those of us with rudely inconsistent bodies.

    You're right about not showing the "spontaneous" moments on temperature charts. Sigh. Live and learn.

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  8. So very accurate.

    Good stuff.

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  9. Absolutely Rebecca, just sex to prevent hymen regrowth, that should go on the list.

    Um, now you are making me wonder areyoukiddingme, is it resentful sex?

    Granine, you know as well as I do the dog isn’t allowed in the kitchen. And now you know why we want to move, think on that next time you pop round.

    Yes, yes, that is right, Twangy, in fact any kind of wildlife programme is merely dogging for people who can’t even be bothered to get out in the car!

    Blues, we’ve all done the non-baby sex. And now, as the husband reads my blog, the secret is out. And as for the no clue when I’m ovulating didn’t we all start out that naive back in the day?

    Ah yes, Reluctant Mom, but be careful it starts with "you owe me breakfast in bed" and ends with "just leave two fifties on the bedside table."

    Adele, maybe come up with your own symbol for 'spontaneous sex' that he won't be able to interpret.

    Ta Kelly, so sad that it is true ...

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  10. How about "it's not an IVF cycle so we can actually have sex" sex?

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  11. Can't think of any more, either. Sad, really. If we're in the mood and not totally stressed from work and it's not too hot... you get the picture. But, unsurprisingly I guess, the spontaneous happenings tend to be more enjoyable.

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  12. ehm... Sunday mornings?

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