How many of us have made an oblique reference to our friends' love lives only to be faced with the retort, "Sex? What is that? We don't do that sort of thing now that we have kids."
Just me then.
For the infertiles the response is somewhat tweaked. "Sex? Not unless we're ovulating!"
But that of course does a disservice to all the infertiles out there. Because we don't just have sex when we are ovulating. There are plenty of other occasions that force us to disrobe and make the two-backed beast.
Below is my list of The Sex:
Anyone who watched Spitting Image in the 1980s will have been haunted by images of the famously celibate Cliff Richard's sperm wondering around his ball-sack with zimmer frames and walking sticks. Nobody wants that as your conception juice. So a few days before ovulation / any sperm test there is the 'junk the spunk' shag, allowing time for a healthy bunch of young gun swimmers to be spawned and get ready to get a wriggle on.
The "spontaneous" Sex
We all know that trying for a baby means that most sex is timed by a temperature rise or a positive ovulation test rather than the mood. This can cause a little resentment, maybe it can be thrown back in your face during an argument "AND we only have sex when you're ovulating." So you make sure you throw in a "spontaneous" hump, even muttering something afterwards about how it was the wrong time of the month anyway. Word of warning though, the next time you have a row and are accused of only having conception coitus, don't bring out your marked up temperature charts to 'prove' that you had sex with no chance of breeding. (Just the fact that you catalogued it negates the spontaneity).
The Special Occasion Shag
Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries. The traditional days when we feel lucky to be loved and, in turn, make love. Actually, these days are more likely to include a hump than previously. You used to go out and get absolutely plastered, and find yourself waking up fully dressed, with a furry tongue and no action. Nowadays, when a special occasion means treating yourself to a single glass of wine, you are actually compos mentis enough to see the deed through to the end.
The "it worked for my friend's cousin's dog-walker" Sex
We laughed when we were initially told about some random friend of a friend who had unprotected sex on the last day of their period that nine months later resulted in a bundle of unplanned joy. But the tale stuck, and started to niggle, and before you know it you are just trying it out. Humping with hope, just on the off-chance that it'll work for you too.
I am sure there are others that I have forgotten. So tell me, we're all friends here. What are your non-reproductive sex tales?
Updated to add
I just had a call about my hysteroscopy on Wednesday. Had I received the information leaflet? Er ... no, is there anything that I should know? Well, explained the woman, the main thing was to make sure that I hadn't had unprotected sex this cycle. 8 days in and I didn't even pause, Nope. Which kinda marks out the footnote as a lie. Sigh.
Up-updated to add
Shit! Just remembered we did have sex a few days ago. Oh bugger, that says a lot for how memorable it was. But it can be discounted as a serious contender for baby making cause it was a bit Leona Lewis. You know ‘Bleeding Love’. Geddit? I’m wasted here, I really am.
*It would be easy to assume whilst reading this that I am speaking of my own love life. Naturally after fifteen years together the husband and I still make rampent, hungry sex on the kitchen floor every night. This is just a generic post about infertile sex.