Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Come On Slovenia!

I am about to commit heresy, or treason, or blasphemy. Or all three.

I don't want England to progress any further in this world cup.

For those of you not lucky enough to reside in this green, and usually pleasant land, that may not sound like too controversial a statement.

However, to huge swathes of this population football is not only a game.

Every four years, for a month (or at least a few weeks until we get knocked out), every street in England is festooned with the red and white of the Cross of St George. Productivity plummets as work colleagues spend their days furtively watching matches on their computers, checking scores on their i-phones and telling anyone who will listen exactly how they would sort out our team if only they'd got the job rather than Fabio Cappello.

Wimbledon, which usually provokes a rush of national hysteria around the only British player to attempt a victory, is ignored. Ascot's column inches devoted to the hats and horses are eaten up by sports journalists discussing the role of the four-four-two formation in the modern football game. And Big Brother becomes a mere annoyance rather than a cultural phenomenon, OK that is the same every year, but you get my point.

This year I might well be the only English person in the world who is loudly cheering for the other side.

The reason for this unpatriotic stance isn't because I can't stand the unrealistic, jingoistic headlines spewed out by the tabloid press. It isn't because I am fed up with the sport being deemed the last bastion of the Empire. Or because I never want to hear another vuvuzela again. Admittedly these are all good reasons in their own right.

It is because with every game we win, nine months later there will be a glut of babies. And if we win the entire World Cup there won't be a fertile woman between here and Berwick-Upon-Tweed who doesn't get knocked up. Because we all know that nothing makes the English male more horny than watching men in tight white shorts running around a field and scoring. (I'm talking about football not dogging, although ...)

And my reasons for not wanting a baby-boom are purely, and unashamedly, selfish. The way I see it the rest of my year is going to go one of three ways:

1) I have IVF and it fails. In which case I won't want to be surrounded by pregnant women rubbing their tummies in my face. (Metaphorically, but literally would suck too).

2) I don't have IVF for a combination of never being able to get an appointment and problems with the results from my hysteroscopy (as above).

3) I have a successful IVF / a shock conception. My child will be born just after the World Cup kids by which time all the nursery places are taken and for the whole of its life the fruit of my decrepit loins will find itself struggling in a saturated market whether it is for school or university places, jobs or romance. (Yeah I'm thinking long term here).

Luckily for me there is one person who wants England to win even less than me; the Scottish husband. So domestic harmony is assured. And tomorrow afternoon we'll be cheering for Slovenia.


14 comments:

  1. I'm with you. I'm sick of it myself (and I'm not even in the UK). If I see one more fakey NY Irish pub with World Cup paraphernalia I'm going to lose my nut. And my DH - how I wish he were Scottish! Instead, he makes me send him updates at work. And it does seem particularly jingoistic this time around. And I hadn't even thought of the baby boom. Ye gods, as if our television being constantly engaged by grown men pushing each other around like children weren't enough....

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  2. ok... so I can honestly say, I've not watched one game, but you've plead a good case, so for today, I'm cheering for Slovenia!!!

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  3. Hurray Slovenia! Because I could not care less about soccer/football, and I see your point about the job market glut..

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  4. I'll agree with you for that. The futher we go, the more horrednously drunk people get, the more fights people then get in, the more stupid the whole thing becomes. Until we get knocked out in the semis and are expected to be in national mourning.

    I must say I actually quite like seeing all the flags about, and I don't hate football, although I've not watched any matches, it is just the way it seems to make some people behave.

    I'll agree with you on your view too. Would it be sweeping to make comments about the next generation of football lovers?

    oh and the husband doesn't like the football being on as it means that there isn't likely to be any classic F1 on the interactive red button.

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  5. I couldn't agree more.. with everything.

    I am sick to the back teeth of the WC and the way it turns my normally quite, quaint tidy street into a chavs' paradise.
    Have you seen the ad on the telly? Can't remember what it advertises (I obviously didn't rush out and buy anything) but it mentions something like 3000 odd babies being concieved during the WC.
    So with that in mind I proclaim: C'mon Slovenia! (and I also mean that because the inlaws move out there in 3 months time but that's another story for another day ;o))

    I want my street to look normal and aproachable again. I want to grab those blasted car flags and stick them up someone's exhaust and we're not talking the fumes kind here. I haven't watched a single England game. We are shit - did no one get that memo? Well shucks.
    Wimbledon it is for me.. if I can find a way to get big ears Linekar off the box.

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  6. Adele,love, don't get me wrong. Just because the husband is Scottish it doesn't mean he isn't living, breathing, over-dosing on every WC match he can. He is just as addicted as your man, the only difference is he isn't cheering for England!

    Keep your world cup virginity Jenn, it really isn't all it is cracked up to be.

    areyoukiddingme, just the fact that you refered to it as soccer says volumes about your interest in the sport.

    I agree Bernadeena, it doesn't bring out the best behaviour in anyone. Not even the players.

    I hadn't seen that ad, Carolyne, but it simultaneously makes me want to weep and shourt "See, I told you." And there's a post about your in-laws...

    Kelly, I''m blowing my vuvuzela for them as I type, I hope you are too.

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  7. My computer did not cooperate this morning, but wanted to say that I read this to the hubs in the car in the morning. I really thought there couldn't be anything worse than having a few pregnant friends, but really, a country full of them would be unbearable.

    Your progeny needs a head start even if I have to kick those guys in the ankles. Sadly, it's 24 hours to South Africa from my part of the world and I'll just have send England some juju instead.

    Also, it would be nice to see the US get out of the freaking first round for ONCE. Geez. Give a girl a break when you hate the stupid football (where you don't use your feet). Dumbest sport on the planet and I'm fortunate to have married a fella who played soccer instead of football. Nice, right?

    Go Slovenia! (and hey, go USA?)

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  8. Am I the only person who keeps reading vuvuzela as vulva? Rightio - just me then. As you were.

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  9. I'm totally oblivious to the world cup here, since that cheating froggie bastard did us out of our place in the final (bitter? moi?). Plus my beloved has absolutely no interest in football, which is unusual for an Irish man.

    But I'll shout for Slovenia in any case.

    Corybia - I keep thinking vulva when I read about those yokes, so you are not alone.

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  10. When my sister had her second baby, the maternity hospital was so busy that there was no time for her to get an epidural and she had to push out a 10lb baby with gas and air.... another reason to not want a baby boom! Does this mean we have to support Germany now on Sunday?!

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  11. I can totally understand your reasoning on this. Really hoping for option number 3 for you.

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  12. I have been watching Wimbleton myself while the rest of my country (New Zealand)has been glued to the other channel all through the night to see the awesome All Whites.

    All live coverage of both means we don't get the luxury of sleeping.

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  13. Hilarious!! I missed you during your blogging break!

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