"Just a few consent forms" the Doctors said nonchalently, before heaving out an amazonian forest's worth of paper. "We make you sign your consent for things that you are very unlikely to need, but it just means if there is an unexpected procedure that we have to do, we don't have to waste time waiting for consent."
That was this weekend's job, and I needed the extra days.
- The Registration form - where the fuck was the husband born again? I don't think Teuchter-land counts
- Parental Responsibility form - I think this only for couples who aren't married, but what the hell I signed it anyway
- Patient Information and Consent form - saying we are happy to be tested for HIV, it has already been done but aye, go on, do your worse
- Consent to Examination and Treatment - carries the line: "I understand that at consultation, and during the course of any ensuing treatment, it may be necessary to undergo internal examination and internal scan." You don't say, and there was I thinking the Doctor just fancied me
- Your Consent To The Disclosure of Identifying Information - I don't have any tattoos but I do have a scar on my arm, does that count?
- Consent to Disclosure of Identifying Information To Another Person Not Covered By A License - I think, as this blog proves, I have no fear of disclosing personal information
- Welfare of the Child form - this one is classic. It includes questions including: Do you have any previous convictions related to harming children? Yes/No (if yes provide details). I figure this isn't going to be so effective at stopping abusers having children as stopping really dumb, easy to catch abusers having children.
- Consent For In Vitro Fertilisation - well, I've got this far
- Consent To The Use Of The ICSI Technique - this'll be one of those you probably won't need it but just in case, so I signed away
- Multiple Pregnancy Information Sheet - yup, read and understood. Maybe I'll just get the one egg transferred to begin with
- Consent For The Cryopreservation of Embryos - Gosh! How space age that sounds
- Consent For Blastocyst Embryo Transfer - which means, will you let us wait a couple more days to transfer the embryo if need be. Fine by me
- Consent For Assisted Zona Hatching - Uh? This was new to me. Apparently they crack the egg if the skin is a bit hard
- Consent For Use And Storage Of Eggs and Embryos For Your Treatment - Fine. I don't want them thrown away before I know if I need them
- Consent For Use And Storage Of Sperm And Embryos For Your Partner's Treatment - I'm a dab hand a forging the husbands signature by now
- Consent Form for Heparin Treatment with IVF - er ... ok ... whatever that is
- A whole questionaire asking things like: Do you wear glasses (not anymore) and How will you get home after surgery (Car / taxi/ Public transport - I think we can stretch to a taxi on this occasion).
So there we go. All signed, sealed, and hopefully one day I'll get to deliver.