Over the years there have been any number of signs that I have interpreted as sure-fire indications that I am pregnant; sore teeth, a movie selection, IUI ...
And to date none of them have been in any way prescient. So you'd have thought I'd have learned my lesson.
Not a bit of it.
This month's sign was The Thrush.
I have been struck down with a downstairs fungal infection. And casting my net wide for the cause I was pretty sure I'd seen it somewhere on a two-week-wait symptom list on the worldwide net.
Why I decided that this was the only explanation for my third ever bout of thrush can be attributed solely to wishful thinking. Most likely it was my flange finally rebelling, after years of cold speculums and over-lubricated dildo-cams. The final straw was my pre-scan waxing last week. A waxing so severe that, rather than a Brazilian, I was left with a Hitler 'tache. (And a realisation that no, intimate internal investigations had not actually rendered me immune to any embarrassment; lying on my front holding my butt cheeks apart whilst hot wax was being torn from my tenderist of skin I discovered my threshold).
But I digress.
I told myself not to be ridiculous and trotted off to buy some special, soothing cream. But the instructions gave me the green light I was looking for as it specifically forbade its use on the pregnant.
"Well," I reasoned as a scrabbled around furiously in the cupboard finding and unwrapping a pregnancy test in record time, "I'm only checking because it is better to be safe than sorry."
It took just three minutes for the test to confirm that I wasn't pregnant (of course I wasn't, I only had my period two weeks ago and don't seem to have ovulated yet so we were talking biological impossibility). But during that time I had mentally composed the blog announcement and come up with what might have been my best blog post title ever "A Little Birdie Told Me..."
So we go on, just three days now until my initial IVF consultation.
I'll tell you something, even though I should be ovulating any day now there is no chance that I'll get pregnant this month.
Because I've got an itch, but the husband can't scratch it.