Monday, 28 December 2009

A Textbook Case

Apparently there are five classic stages of grief. Whilst I wouldn't dream of equating a negative pregnancy test with the kind of grief a miscarriage might bring, a negative after some kind of medical intervention is, for me harder than that of a 'normal' cycle. (If I can call my cycles such a thing).

And I seem to be working through the cycle of grief in a text book manner:

1. Denial
After the first IUI there was denial - or disbelief. "This can't be right," I thought as I peered for a non-existent line. Because I had known it would work, remember? I was convinced this would be it, and now a stick of plastic wrapped around a scrap of litmus paper has the audacity to try and tell me otherwise?

2. Anger
After the fail of my second IUI I wasn't just angry. I was furious. It wasn't fair, hadn't I done everything I could? I had spent a fortune on alternative therapy, not drunk booze, given up my tea. I love tea more than wine, but it was gone (and spoilt forever, I tried a proper cuppa the other day and had to throw it away due to the cloying milkiness that I use to love). But even that managed to do fuck all.

3. Bargaining
OK to be fair the bargaining happend just before the last negative.

On the morning of the 23rd, I felt the familiar hip-ache and stomach cramping that, for the twenty odd years I have been having them, signified the onset of my period.

It made sense, sure it was two days earlier than I expected but the same thing had happened last time I had a trigger shot.

All that remained was to pull on the black granny pants, fill my bag with every absorbent material known to man and go into work, and wait.

And wait.

And make frequent trips to the toilet just to check. Any sure enough; one, two, three drops of blood.

But then nothing. Hmm ... how can I write this in a way that won't spoil your turkey sandwiches?

Normally, there is more cranberry sauce at the start of the meal. If you know what I mean.

I had a quick consultation with Dr Google and discovered, implantation bleeding can happen as late as day 12, and it can be accompanied with period-like cramping.

And that is when the bargaining started. Except it was not really bargaining as, being a heathen, I had no one to bargain with, and having given up pretty much every vice already I had nothing left to bargain with. So instead my bargaining consisted of me sitting on the ceramic throne whispering "pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease" as I checked and double checked that there was still nothing that could be decently called a period.

It was that evening, when I was out with my sister that I nipped to the loo and any pretense of implantation was shattered.

So what have I got to look forward to?

Depression and then, apparently, acceptance.

Unless...

Unless, things actually start working in the new year.

But that is too much to dare to hope for, isn't it?



23 comments:

  1. I had 3 early miscarriages in the last 3 years and to be honest, I think that not conceiving is just as bad in the sense that you also have that hope each month and each month that delivers a negative preg result means that yet again, there will be no baby born in 9 months time.
    I don't think one can say whether a negative preg test, a miscarriage or a stillbirth - if any is worse. I remember feeling insanely jealous of someone who had a stillbirth, cos in the stage of grief that I was in, I felt she would have memories of her baby, keepsakes, given her baby a name, had a funeral etc whereas I had flushed mine down the toilet. It all depends on the individual and the stage you are at.
    My heart goes out to you this Christmas and everyone else who is experiencing loss. I wish you all the best for 2010

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  2. Hope keeps us going, keeps us trying. Let's hope this is a better year for all of us!

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  3. PS - and no, that isn't too much to hope for the in new year - if we didn't have hopes and dreams, we would give up wouldn't we?

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  4. Oh you'll just LOVE the depression stage I'm sure, it's a hoot!

    There's no reason right now why things won't work out, try to remember that.

    Best of luck.

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  5. God I hate hate HATE the panty checking. That is absolutely the worst period of time. ugh.
    hugs.

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  6. Been there, done that. My anger stage involved screaming at the top of my lungs and crying at the same time. So, I feel your pain. After intervention, I think a negative test is most certainly harder to deal with than just a normal one when you have been trying. I haven't had a miscarriage either, but I know that each time I get a negative after my IUIs (3 now), I am devestated. Hang tough, we'll get this done.

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  7. I was so sorry to get home and read the news. There is still hope. Dr. Google and others have a lot to say about couples who conceive after 3 IUI's (or more). This year has been crap, all around. 2010 HAS to be better. It has to.

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  8. I feel it in my heart that you will have that baby, keep a glimmer of faith and know that it will happen. I've been there, it sucks and at the time no one can make you feel better. I have spent many times in the shower crying into the water so no one could see my tears. It will happen and when it does that was the baby you were meant to have. It will happen. It will happen. Hugs.

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  9. Holy crap! I have a draft post in my box on this exact same topic! We are quite simpatico. Please don't feel I copied when I finally get around to posting, I was going to do a 5 part series.

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  10. Sometimes, especially during a treatment cycle, I'm sure I actually started bonding with my would-be baby in the 2ww. Even though I wasn't actually pregnant yet, even though sperm and egg may not have even met, I started loving this idea of my baby. I think a negative pregnancy test can absolutely be a devastating loss, so I think it's appropriate that we need to grieve.

    I wish you much luck in the new year. It's a whole new decade. That's got to be good for something.

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  11. Lorna, I don’t know how I would cope if I was in your situation. I’ve just watched your TV interview and it is heartbreaking.

    Nic, well it can’t be worse. Can it?

    Xbox, I’m already packing away any sharp instruments just in case.

    Barb “period of time”, was that on purpose?

    Niki, we’re in exactly the same boat. Let’s hope it reaches the right destination!

    Cheers Astrid, though I have to say I’m getting less and less optimistic…

    Thanks Anon, I hope it will, and I hope you get your wishes too.

    Don’t worry Kate, I won’t think you’ve copied – there is a=only a finite number of ways anyone can write: I’m still not pregnant…

    Yeah Finch, I've started speaking to my, as yet, unconceived baby. Oh dear.

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  12. (hug).
    I know exactly what you are talking about. I've walked that walk before.

    To be honest, infertility / miscarriage for me was on par on the grief meter, but different in the actual dealing with it - you are allowed to be sad in public if you have a miscarriage (although people still say ridiculous things) but for some reason, you have to show a stiff upper lip when the dreaded AF arrives each month and sinks your heart to hell.
    Roll on 2010. May it be YOUR year.

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  13. big hugs to you!!! 2010 is a new year!!

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  14. Womb for improvement29 December 2009 at 07:43

    At least, being British, I'm good at the stiff upper lip thing, Corymbia

    Yeah Cre, I thought that last year (about 2009, natch)

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  15. In the darkest times hope is the only thing that can keep you walking forwards, no matter the pain. I hope 2010 brings you new hope (and realisation of that hope) and that the walk forwards is a short one.

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  16. Your three IUI story sounds awfully like my three IUI story. I was so angry after that second useless IUI. But the real heartbreaker here is clearly that TEA was ruined for you. I very much hope that you are pregnant soon and that you and tea get back together once the negative associations are gone.

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  17. Think I am in the depression stage of the process. It sucks, doesn't it? I really hope you have a better year in 2010.

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  18. Negatives or miscarriages: just different kinds of awful, I reckon.

    Really sorry you are going through this, WFI. I so wished things would be different this time. Terribly disappointing for you both.

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  19. damn that grief cycle being so freaking accurate.

    big smootches babe, and I can totally punch a wall in frustration for you.

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  20. How rubbish for you - what an awful Christmas. So sorry to hear that.

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  21. They miss out on the stage six - where hope re-appears.... what a tease. Take care of yourself lady.

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  22. It's the Hope - Smack In The Teeth; Hope - Smack In The Teeth; Hope - Smack In The Teeth part that got me almost frantic. Got? What's with the past tense? Is GETTING me COMPLETELY frantic.

    My dear, I'm sorry 2009 has been such a stupid year. I hope the depression part gets skipped altogether, and as always, I hope very much for dear little baby womb improvements for you with every cycle you have.

    (Also, 'cranberry sauce', *rofl*).

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  23. I know from experience that the stages don't always happen in order and that you can shift around and backtrack as much as you need. I'm sorry about the witch making her appearance and hope 2010 has better things to offer you. Many hugs.

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