Saturday, 17 October 2009

He Speaks

Throughout this whole trying to get knocked up process I have been intimately involved in almost every stage, I've had carnal knowledge of most of them. But there is one area that remains a mystery.

One lab that has been kept out of bounds.

One process that I have no direct knowledge of and have therefore been impotent when it comes to writing about it.

So allow me to present the one man who can talk you through this most base of activities. Through the power of a Q and A I introduce, well, I'll let him introduce himself:

Who are you?
The Husband.

What is your relationship to the author of this blog?
The husband.

What was your role in the IUI that took place on Friday 9 October?
I cracked one off into a cup and handed it to a man in a white coat.

Did you find it awkward when you presented yourself for your sample?
Not particularly, no.

What was the set up like in the sperm clinic?
Very clinical and eerily quiet. Also, entirely humourless.

Were you worried that you would not be able to perform?
No – see answer below…

What kind of literature was on offer to help?
A large crate full of grot. And a copy of Nuts magazine, presumably for the more discerning gentleman who prefers his women clothed (or for guys who like to get off whilst looking at pictures of footballers and/or the latest must-have gadgets).

Was there anything particularly unusual in the choice?
Apart from the copy of Nuts, there was a distinct ‘80s Euro-porn bent to the title selection – lots of permed hair, garish eye make-up and cold, smack-numbed stares. And a copy of something called ‘Plumpers’.

Were any pages stuck together?
Actually, disturbingly, yes. Someone had clearly misunderstood the purpose of the exercise.

Did you hear anyone else going about their business whilst you were going about yours?
Thankfully not.

Did you think about me at all?
Umm… look over there! A puppy! On fire! Ahem.

Did you see any other punters sheepishly shuffling around with cups of spunk?
Again, thankfully not, although I passed a nervous-looking couple in the waiting room as I left. Presumably he thought he might ‘need a hand’.

What did you say when you handed in your sample?

The guy in the white coat just stared at me.

He then asked if I had got it all in the pot, and I’m happy to report that I managed to resist the urge to say: “well most of it, but you might want to clean the floor … and walls … and there’s a bit on the ceiling.”

Do you have any other reflections or comments you would like to share with the worldwide internet dot com?
Only that I would like to make absolutely clear that when I handed my sample over it was a perfectly normal sample colour, and categorically not the pinky purple that the nurse claimed was ‘my’ sample during the IUI itself. I’m not sure who’s that was, but it didn’t look natural. That’s all I’m saying.


So there you have it. If you have any questions for the husband please put them in the comments, I'm sure he'd be delighted to answer them - regardless of how intrusive they are.


  1. What about the volume? did that seem less or more or normal?

    I'm convinced I have never produced as little as I have on those 3 occasions.

  2. Did it seem 'easier' producing your sample in the hospital with the help of sticky mags than if you'd of been in the comfort of your own home?

    Whatever the answer may be will be beneficial info for when my beloved needs to provide again in Jan. If he can't get it off in a cup without psychological trauma at home with me stark naked beside him, where on earth can he get it off?

  3. Loved it! Helpful, thank your husband. Once we get to the IUI stage I'll tell my hubs what he can expect and maybe to bring his own tools lol.

  4. I'm with Xbox, my husband always said that he got no volume under pressure.

  5. thanks for that ;)

  6. Hmmmm I wonder would Custom PC mag be suitable cracking off material for the geek I call huband?

  7. My husband just did his first "in lab" sample (the rest were at home)... he said that the bright flourescent lighting nearly killed it entirely. I told him that on ER day he is to bring sunglasses and just imagine better lighting. Seriously, I'm going to be anesthetized and he's worrying about mood lighting...

  8. Fun! And Xbox - my hub has said the same thing.

  9. My Hubby said that the erotic material that was provided was so bad that it nearly had the opposite effect. He was also questioning the design of the sample cup (I believe he called it a film canister).

  10. Wow! Great stuff...a window into the "lost world." That's for both me AND my hubby because he seems genuinely, downright afraid of the lab collection rooms and will only "produce samples" at home. Unfortunately, that's about to have to come to an end because our RE is an hour from home! This will be most helpful info to have! :-)

  11. Xbox, apparently absolutely normal, I'm not sure he really looked much before at volume though.

    Caroline, it was either that or scud-mags

    Carolyne, he said there were less distractions there

    JC, there's one tool he definately shouldn't be without.

    Mary, he's clearly not trying hard enough!

    Granine, I really want you to take a moment to get a clear visual image of the scene, go on take your time on this.

    Well, Jane, the Husband does take MacWorld into the bog with him I never really wondered why before.

    Maybe some candles next time? Irrationalexuberance

    I'm not sure he'd use the word fun, Barb

    Pregnant Yuppy, the husband agrees it is a bad design (he went into detail that I won't share here)

    Lin, I reckon a journey with your sample would be far more terrifying - what if he is pulled over?

  12. Love it. Hilarious, esp the part about getting some on the ceiling.

  13. Anyone know how quickly results tend to come back? My husband just made a "deposit" this morning. I went in with him -- it really took the magic out of doing these activities in public places. The mag selection included several from "Penthouse," one from "Mandate" (clever!), and a "Ladies Home Journal." Yeah, we couldn't figure that one out.

  14. I think he is prone to exaggeration Al

    Well, All Carton, on tyhis occassion we go the results in an hour because it was then immediately shoved into my uterus once it was deemed Ok. But I can't really remember when he had the initial test, I think it was a couple of weeks - but that was on the National Health Service in the UK. If you are elsewhere it'll probably be a lot quicker.

  15. So....who's pinky-purple sample DID you get during the IUI? This is the question I'd be wondering...

  16. I dunno, Stacey, but I'm hoping for someone with really good genes (as opposed to the husband's mediocre ones!).

  17. I can't believe pages were stuck together. That's disturbing!

  18. The last sample I gave the lab offered an iPad with a "life proof" case on in. Which is good because I wasn't there to impregnate the iPad.

    When it came time to do business I became paranoid that it might have some secret video camera recorder app on it. I shoved it behind the couch. The next time I went in they didn't bother to offer the iPad. Suspicious? Or did I miss my secret amateur porno casting call?


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