Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Finding Out

Did I tell you I found out I wasn't pregnant at three in the morning?

I was being somewhat disingenuous with you the other day, when I said I wouldn't test early.

The fact was, I always knew that I would test on Sunday morning, just a day early. I wanted to test so that I had a day to acclimatise myself to the result. I knew, whatever the outcome, that last thing that I would want is to go directly into the back-to-back meetings I had scheduled for Monday morning having just found out.

On Sunday morning (just) I awoke with a screaming bladder at 2.57am. Now, here was a dilemma: The test clearly stated I should use the first urination of the day to test. True, this was the first but was it too early?

I'd waited this long, surely I could wait another couple of hours.

Not a fucking chance.

My boobs were aching, I'd had curious stomach cramps earlier in the week. I was beside myself with anticipation.

I thought I'd got away with it three minutes later, as I crept silently back into bed. But the husband was immediately awake and asked what it had said.

Until that point I'd managed to hold it together, repeating the mantra in my head 'It was never going to be this easy, of course the first go wouldn't work'. But just opening my mouth to tell him it was negative unleashed those tearless sobs, the ones that are noiseless, that you always forget about if you are faking crying.

The good thing about testing at such an unnatural hour was that I managed to cry myself back to sleep.

I won't say things felt immediately brighter when I work up in the morning proper, but it had given me a bit of perspective.

In retrospect though, bit of advice, on the day you expect to find out whether fertility treatment has worked or not, don't arrange to go and see your friends and their five week old baby who shares your birthday.

I managed it, but it wasn't the easiest Sunday ever.


23 comments:

  1. After all that waiting and build-up, I'm not in the least surprised the negative shook you so. I'm sorry. I metaphorically offer cake and tissues and a stiff drink. Well done for surviving the baby-visit.

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  2. Being able to cry and go back to sleep from the mental exhaustion of it all is helpful. Rather than the times I've waited for results while brushing my teeth and then having to cry in the shower and go directly to work. :(

    I'm sorry this wasn't the one. No matter how much you tell yourself you won't pin high hopes on a cycle, it still creeps out.

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  3. I'm so sorry it didn't work this time. I too have endured the early morning pregnancy test. I hope you had the presence of mind to trash it. Once I left it on the nightstand and it was the first thing I saw when I woke up.

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  4. I'm sorry. My first one was a bust too.

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  5. I'm so very sorry! (((HUGS)))

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  6. Yikes on the Sunday. I'm sorry it was negative. This whole process sucks so bad.

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  7. Oh my honey. I remember every instance of me doing that so clearly, and I feel it for you. I had many of those exact times... the sobbing when you meant to just say something.

    Lots of hugs your way.

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  8. (((hugs)))

    No idea how you held it together Sunday ... you got guts lady.

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  9. I was just about to say that it was good that you managed to test the day before going back to work but then I read the last paragraph.

    That was shit timing, I can't believe you managed to get through it, you are one tough cookie.

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  10. Every test is a loaded gun. The negatives are the ones that hit your heart.

    Your baby is out there. And you will realize what a special and rare gift he/she is when he gets here. And it will be wonderful.

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  11. I'm sorry to hear this. ((hugss)) for you.

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  12. Bollocks eh?

    I don't know how many more of these you'll have, but all it will take is one to change everything and make it all worth it.

    But, you know that of course.

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  13. I'm so sorry this was a negative cycle... It's so easy to get your hopes up when we try something new isn't it?
    I would tell you that it gets easier the more BFNs you have, but that's not really true. Here's hoping that it's your last one!

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  14. I would have had to have cancelled. You are stronger than I am.

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  15. I am so sorry - hoping this next one is positive for both of us. Sounds like a rotten series of events as well - having to put on a happy face.

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  16. I'm so sorry, my dear. I had a very similar experience right down to the baby (10 days old in our case). I'm sorry it hurts so much and hope this is the last one you have to know.

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  17. Fuck. How did I miss this post?

    I'm so sorry sweetie.

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  18. Ta Chelsea, but it isn’t your fault … is it?!

    Nuts, cake, check, tissues, thanks, stiff drink, it’s a bit early just now.

    Lea, hugs gratefully received.

    Rambler, yeah I don’t think I could have done work.

    I didn’t Megan, exactly the same woke up and there it was on my bedside table.

    Melissa, I hope the second works for us.

    Cheers Lin

    It certainly doesn’t get any easier batty

    Barb, hopefully I’ll be where you are soon.

    Ta, Psychic Corymbia, I wobbled a bit at first but then it was Ok.

    Secret D, my own fault we arranged meeting up when I was on the two week wait – you know the one where I pretty much knew it would work.

    Thanks Anonymous, I’m looking forward to meeting him/her

    Cheers Carolyne

    Xbox, bollocks were the thing that seemed to be working, it was just everything else …

    Lovecomesfirst, yes, I think because it was new I thought it was the magic bullet I had been waiting for, maybe next time.

    They’d already got food in Mary, I didn’t feel I could (and they don’t know what is going on with us so I would have had to make a lame excuse).

    Me too, Gracie

    Thanks, Lost in Space

    Kelly, yeah, me too.

    Sarah, you didn’t miss much.

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  19. I'm so sorry about the negative. You're a glutton for punishment, spending the day with a baby! I'm so glad your DH was able to be there with you. {{hugs}}

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  20. Awe I'm sorry too! I woke up 2 Sundays ago in a happy mood, I had sore boobs and suspicious cramps that week and knew I'd soon find out if the 2nd round of Clomid worked. I was getting up early to get ready for church (hadn't been in a couple weeks and we were actually going to go to Sunday School..go us!!) Went to pee, pulled down my undies and blood everywhere...started 4 days early, go me!

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