Wednesday, 8 July 2009

The Appointment

INTERIOR. DOCTOR’S SURGERY – DAY*

A windowless putrid-yellow painted basement doctor’s office.

The FRENCH DOCTOR bustles in first. She is followed by a tentative MR and MRS WFI. They hold hands, Mrs WFI drops his as they sit on the chairs offered. Mr WFI subtly wipes the residual clamminess off his hands on to his trousers.

FRENCH DOC "So"

She glances at her notes.

"Now where are we?"

Mrs WFI produces an A4 sheet.

MRS WFI "This is my summary, with dates, of what has happened so far …"

FRENCH DOC "Ah but I have your notes 'ere"

Taps on an huge blue folder stuffed with letters, copies and coloured bits of paper.

MRS WFI (consilatorily) "I know, I know. I just thought it might be easier to digest on one sheet."

FRENCH DOC (reading) "Right so you have the coil to remove ze endimotrosis. You need to get the coil removed as soon as possible."

MRS WFI "Yes, I have an appointment booked with Mr S. on Mon …"

French Doctor leaps up.

FRENCH DOC "Vell we shall speak to him now and see what 'e says."

She leaves the room.

Mr and Mrs WFI exchange glances. Mrs WFI notices pictures on the wall. Baby pictures. She cannot tear her eyes away.

The French Doctor bursts back in

FRENCH DOC " 'e is on ze phone. What are you looking at?"

Her glance follows Mrs WFI’s line of sight.

FRENCH DOC "Ah yes, we have boxes of them, we just put a few out. To make people happy."

She resumes her seat and continues

"So, you need to have the coil removed, you should make an appointment."

MR WFI "Yes, we have that appointment on Monday 27th."

FRENCH DOC "Good, good. So now I see your semen analysis is …"

She tears through the file searching for the relevant letter.

"Izzz … normal. So ve shall try for three months with ovulation stimulation, and zen if that does not work we shall try the belt and braces approach of IUI. I shall speak to Mr S now."

Dashes out of the room, again.

MRS WFI "What the fuck? What the fuck?"

Rifles through her own batch of papers.

Mr WFI "I thought we were going straight to IUI."

MRS WFI "So did I. That is what she said before. And I haven’t bought the fucking letter that says that with me. Fuck. I don’t want to wait another three fucking months only to find my fucking diseased womb-lining has fucking grown back."

MR WFI "Its Ok we’ll just tell her. We .."

The French Doc storms back in

FRENCH DOC "Mr S. agrees with me. Yes, so we shall go with the belt and braces approach and immediately give you IUI straight away."

MR & MRS WFI "!"

FRENCH DOC "So. You shall have ze coil removed. Then three weeks after you shall have a scan to check the endometrium has not grown back. Zen we shall go with the IUI.

Do you know what IUI entails?"

MRS WFI "Well, I've read a … little"

MR WFI "Just run through it will you?"

FRENCH DOC "You shall have clomid, a very small dose to begin with 50mg. Then you shall be scanned until you are about to ovulate. Then you (indicates to MR WFI) will go to the lab where …"

The three occupants of the small doctor’s room pause to contemplate exactly what will happen in the lab.

FRENCH DOC "Zen it will be washed leaving only ze best swimmers. Which will then be inserted into your uterus. Like having a smear test.

Now you must call the nurses to book in your scan three weeks after the coil is removed, unless you have a bleed before three weeks. Have you spoken to any of ze nurses?"

MRS WFI (Blushing slightly) "Well I have spoken to Eunice."

French Doctor leaps up as though she has been stung, she runs out of the room.

Mr WFI "What is the crazy woman doing now?"

Mrs WFI shrugs.

The screen goes into soft focus as the door reopens and in slow motion we see a new woman enter, her dark hair bounces, her eyes glisten, she smiles and wounds are healed.

EUNICE (for it is she) "Elizabeth, good to put a face to the voice. We’ve spoken a few times."

Mrs WFI (Gapes) "er … um … yes. Hello, lovely to meet you at last."

Mr WFI’s pupils dilate at the homoerotic scene unfolding before him.

EUNICE "So just call me two weeks after the coil comes out and we can set up a scan and arrange your super-ovulation. All you need now is a blood test for HIV and Hep B and we are done. You’ve got my direct line? Just call me if you have any questions, or if you want another appointment to talk through the process."

THE END (OR IS IT THE BEGINNING?)

* And for the pedants, I know I haven't formatted exactly right for screenwriting, but when I did the husband said it was too confusing.

******
And over on Fertility Authority, read my rant about ignorant commentors on news articles about IVF in the UK.


23 comments:

  1. what a roller-coaster appointment! I'm so glad that everything is moving for you now.

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  2. Eunice! We meet Eunice! Hurrah for Eunice!

    As for the French Doctor, OK< so English is not her first language, but seriously, ADD much?

    Fingers crossed, toes crossed, legs crossed, all crossed for you.

    "The three occupants of the small doctor’s room pause to contemplate exactly what will happen in the lab." made me laugh and laugh.

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  3. Hilarious! I was right there with you, screenwriting be damned! :)

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  4. Sweet, sweet Eunice! :) Sounds like you have a plan, no? Hooray!

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  5. Hooray! Finally! I'm so excited for you.

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  6. Good luck now that things are moving - though I have to say - I would have been dizzy at the number of times that the doctor jumped up and down in that appointment. Would make a fabulous scene in a movie though - one day.

    Good luck

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  7. I agree, yr life would make for a great movie!yea for Eunice

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  8. The French doctor sounds as mad as a box of frogs! I'm glad you got the go ahead for the IUI, it is very exciting.

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  9. Brilliant news! I know I am probably known for being something of an optimist but this just feels really positive - I'm sensing twins with summer 2010 birthdays (Eunice and Audrey)!
    Very good idea to go in there armed with your medical history, and for not letting them railroad you into changing the plan. I like how the doc acted like it was her idea to go straight for the IUI.
    Really happy! love Wig x

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  10. I know it definitely had its ups and downs, Serendipity

    And Eunice was lovely Nuts, French Doc, god knows what she is on.

    Were you? Anonymous

    Yes, Lea at last we have a plan.

    Thank you Murgdan

    I'll wait until I have the ending before I do the movie Gracie


    PiB, as above, and obviously I wouldn't be the star Eunice would.

    Secret D, as mad as a box of frogs without legs.

    Don't Wig, you know that under it all I'm pretty optimistic too. I need to just go stage by stage. (But yes I have twin girl's names already picked out, they aren't the ones you suggested but same initials ...)

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  11. Holy crap what a wack job!

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  12. That's kind of a result, almost, sort of.

    Doesn't just a little bit of nice go a long way?

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  13. Sorry, I know you've probably got even more of a rollercoaster ahead of you than you've travelled on so far, but at least some of the waiting is coming to an end now. I know that also means exposing yourself to possible hurts and disappointments but I hope you'll be able to meet them head-on like you always do, with that awesome husband, your awesome friends and your non-too-shabby blog-friends with you every step of the way. This is the beginning, like you say. xxxx

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  14. I meant to say, of course not Eunice and Audrey....something more Classical like little Electra and Ariadne!

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  15. Yeah, so glad you are moving forward and ready to go again! It always amazes me how organized we go in and how much fumbling through mountains of paperwork they do...

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  16. Barb, I assume the wack job you are referring to is the Doc not me ...

    Xbox, it is getting there, but what would you know about nice?

    Wig, stop it now, you'll make me cry. (And you can fish for the names but I'm not saying, and no they aren't classical).

    Lost In Space, I know I definately recommend anyone going to the Docs should bring their own notes.

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  17. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was hilarious!! Now you know Mr. WFI will have dear Eunice as ... um ... inspiration! when the time comes to make his donation. If it's a girl you'll have to name her Eunice. *snort*giggle*snort*

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  18. Congratulations!!! I hope all goes well.

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  19. Holy shit your are on your way. Whoo hoo!

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  20. Absolutely loved the french accent!LOL You're almost there sweetie! So exciting !

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  21. Hahahaha Liz. Yes. You are a wack job in the loveliest way possible. The doctor is a wack job in the most annoying way possible. ;-)

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  22. I'm sure Eunice will the better than the low grade porn they supply Stacey

    Ta MeganI really hope so Mary

    Just don't ask me to try a Portugese one Leo

    Well that's good Barb, I can live with that.

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  23. I bloody love Eunice.
    ...and its the beginning. definitely.

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