A windowless putrid-yellow painted basement doctor’s office.
The FRENCH DOCTOR bustles in first. She is followed by a tentative MR and MRS WFI. They hold hands, Mrs WFI drops his as they sit on the chairs offered. Mr WFI subtly wipes the residual clamminess off his hands on to his trousers.
FRENCH DOC "So"
She glances at her notes.
"Now where are we?"
Mrs WFI produces an A4 sheet.
MRS WFI "This is my summary, with dates, of what has happened so far …"
FRENCH DOC "Ah but I have your notes 'ere"
Taps on an huge blue folder stuffed with letters, copies and coloured bits of paper.
MRS WFI (consilatorily) "I know, I know. I just thought it might be easier to digest on one sheet."
FRENCH DOC (reading) "Right so you have the coil to remove ze endimotrosis. You need to get the coil removed as soon as possible."
MRS WFI "Yes, I have an appointment booked with Mr S. on Mon …"
French Doctor leaps up.
FRENCH DOC "Vell we shall speak to him now and see what 'e says."
She leaves the room.
Mr and Mrs WFI exchange glances. Mrs WFI notices pictures on the wall. Baby pictures. She cannot tear her eyes away.
The French Doctor bursts back in
FRENCH DOC " 'e is on ze phone. What are you looking at?"
Her glance follows Mrs WFI’s line of sight.
FRENCH DOC "Ah yes, we have boxes of them, we just put a few out. To make people happy."
She resumes her seat and continues
"So, you need to have the coil removed, you should make an appointment."
MR WFI "Yes, we have that appointment on Monday 27th."
FRENCH DOC "Good, good. So now I see your semen analysis is …"
She tears through the file searching for the relevant letter.
"Izzz … normal. So ve shall try for three months with ovulation stimulation, and zen if that does not work we shall try the belt and braces approach of IUI. I shall speak to Mr S now."
Dashes out of the room, again.
MRS WFI "What the fuck? What the fuck?"
Rifles through her own batch of papers.
Mr WFI "I thought we were going straight to IUI."
MRS WFI "So did I. That is what she said before. And I haven’t bought the fucking letter that says that with me. Fuck. I don’t want to wait another three fucking months only to find my fucking diseased womb-lining has fucking grown back."
MR WFI "Its Ok we’ll just tell her. We .."
The French Doc storms back in
FRENCH DOC "Mr S. agrees with me. Yes, so we shall go with the belt and braces approach and immediately give you IUI straight away."
MR & MRS WFI "!"
FRENCH DOC "So. You shall have ze coil removed. Then three weeks after you shall have a scan to check the endometrium has not grown back. Zen we shall go with the IUI.
Do you know what IUI entails?"
MRS WFI "Well, I've read a … little"
MR WFI "Just run through it will you?"
FRENCH DOC "You shall have clomid, a very small dose to begin with 50mg. Then you shall be scanned until you are about to ovulate. Then you (indicates to MR WFI) will go to the lab where …"
The three occupants of the small doctor’s room pause to contemplate exactly what will happen in the lab.
FRENCH DOC "Zen it will be washed leaving only ze best swimmers. Which will then be inserted into your uterus. Like having a smear test.
Now you must call the nurses to book in your scan three weeks after the coil is removed, unless you have a bleed before three weeks. Have you spoken to any of ze nurses?"
MRS WFI (Blushing slightly) "Well I have spoken to Eunice."
French Doctor leaps up as though she has been stung, she runs out of the room.
Mr WFI "What is the crazy woman doing now?"
Mrs WFI shrugs.
The screen goes into soft focus as the door reopens and in slow motion we see a new woman enter, her dark hair bounces, her eyes glisten, she smiles and wounds are healed.
EUNICE (for it is she) "Elizabeth, good to put a face to the voice. We’ve spoken a few times."
Mrs WFI (Gapes) "er … um … yes. Hello, lovely to meet you at last."
Mr WFI’s pupils dilate at the homoerotic scene unfolding before him.
EUNICE "So just call me two weeks after the coil comes out and we can set up a scan and arrange your super-ovulation. All you need now is a blood test for HIV and Hep B and we are done. You’ve got my direct line? Just call me if you have any questions, or if you want another appointment to talk through the process."
THE END (OR IS IT THE BEGINNING?)
* And for the pedants, I know I haven't formatted exactly right for screenwriting, but when I did the husband said it was too confusing.
And over on Fertility Authority, read my rant about ignorant commentors on news articles about IVF in the UK.