Risk Assesment

Because my job involves that great, unwashed, amorphous mass - The Public - I have to complete risk assessments lest someone should stub their toe and decide to sue.

I find recently that my social gatherings require a similar process prior to events.

The risk assessment goes something like this:

Section A - Identify Hazard

Section B - Risk Controls - For each hazard identified in Section A describe your existing control measures and safe system of work.

Section C - Develop Action Plan

So here we go:

Section A - Identify Hazard
1) Pregnancy Announcement
2) Unexpected bump
3) Intrusive questions
4) Unwanted advice

Section B - Risk Controls
1) Only socialise with single guys (hmmm, I try my dears, I try).
2) Maintain only eye contact with individuals - do not allow sight-line to stray below chin-level
3) Preempt intrusive questions with categorical statements such as "Why would anyone want children?" (keep fingers crossed behind back) and “Ha, I’d have to stay in every night if I had a kid.” (Try and stop the maniacal laughter before it is reduce to over blown sobs)
4) see 3.

This weekend is the great family gathering to celebrate my step-mothers sixtieth.

On the surface the risks are slim.

I know my sisters are ‘safe’.

I will have to try to avoid being left alone with my step-mother. A former nurse and perennially interested in health-based issues, I have given her the bare bones of our situation (oh man, not those bare bones, you really are filthy). But I know given a chance she’ll sidle up to me and ask something along the lines of “And how are things….” The emphasis on things will leave me in no doubt that what she really means is: “So how is your fucked up womb” and the conversation will be a smörgåsbord of (4) Unwanted Advice.

Therefore my Action Plan (Section C). To avert this risk, I will prime my sisters, husband and brothers-in-law to go to red alert should there ever be a time when the step-mother and I are out of the room at the same time.

The other danger area is my step-sisters.

I make an absolute distinction between my sisters and step-sisters. Although the ages of all five of us (me, two full sisters and two steps) spans a mere four years we are not that close across the blood divide.

They both have two and a half year old daughters - one born three days before my wedding, the other less than two months later. Second children can only be a short, energetic, orgasmic, thrust away.

The risk is that they may want to give my step-mother the greatest birthday gift ever. Announcing the impending arrival of the next grandchild.

As gifts go it makes the tickets we bought her to see Cliff Richard and the Shadows pale into comparison.