Within minutes of arriving I clocked everyone consuming booze and relaxed (no, not the mythical 'relaxing makes babies' relaxation, more the ‘fizz of a beer can opening’ relaxing).
During the weekend oldest step-sister complains to her brothers-in-law that her first pregnancy happened almost immediately and she had now been trying for five months without any joy.
Whilst the other boys are desperately clawing at their ears hoping the talking which falls so resoundingly in the "too much information" category will stop, the husband quietly states, "It isn't always easy."
She didn't get it.
Later, she repeated her fears to me.
I couldn't see any point in falsely sympathising or lying, so I told her that we had been trying and failing for two and a half years, since before her daughter was born. I told her we had a couple more months of the coil to endure before we had any hope of intervention. I told her I hoped that she gets pregnant soon, and that I do too.
I didn't want the conversation to be full of one-upmanship. You know the kind: when someone points out a cut and worries it will become a scar the next minute the whole company starts unveiling permanent marks on their inner thighs, stomachs or under hair -lines competing with death-defying tales of trauma and incident.
My motive was not to 'prove' I had it worse. But I am sure she will get pregnant soon and I hope I have managed to pre-empt the over-excited announcement. To enable her to temper it with tact.
I also managed to explain to her why certain comments weren't helpful:
"Several mum's at nursery are in their forties."
I don't doubt that women over forty get pregnant and good on them. Whilst it is great to know that my ovaries aren't going to shrivel up and drop out of my vagina on my 39th birthday I started trying to get pregnant when I was 30. I don't actually find it very heartening that I might have a good ten years of trying, and failing, to get pregnant. If I wanted to have a baby when I was 40 I'd start trying to have a baby in 2015, not 2006.
"I've got a friend who had IVF for eight years and she's got a little baby, Sophie, now."
Back up, just back up. What part of you thinks that finding out someone tried, AND FAILED, IVF for eight fucking years, is in any way a good thing? I know IVF can work if that is what you are wondering, I also hope that if it gets to that it'll take a lot less than 8 years.
And if you are reading this, head in hands, wondering what on earth she could say that wouldn't evoke my wrath the answer is what she ended by saying. That she was sorry to hear about our 'issues', she hoped that it would all be resolved soon, and good luck - of course.
Up today: The Proof is in the Pudding, my latest Fertility Authority post.
10 comments:
I'm glad you survived. Congratulations.
Phew. Scratched but not wounded. That's a fairly good result in the scheme of things I suppose, plus you've hopefully headed some future unintentional fuck-wittery comments off at the pass. Score.
'You have plenty of time' has become one of my own favourites.
Yep, we have a good 10 years of this shit ahead of us, ain't that just fahkin' dandy?
8 years of IVF huh? I'd like to see their bank balance too!
Ooh, eight years, ooh hurray. I've been at it three and a half, haven't even got to IVF yet, and I am at the end of my freaking tether.
I do hope you headed off some fuck-wittage. I had to have a good old loud freak-out at my mother and sister. Hinting and explaining did not work. Gah.
Also, I award you a medal. Some one whines to me about it taking FIVE months to get pregnant, I slap their lip-gloss off. Sorry. You are a good person. I am... not so good.
Wow. Just wow.
Fair play to you for putting you sil straight on a number of fronts.
What I tend to get these days is "I know a woman who got married at 41 and now she has four kids". Well good for her, but it sounds like she didn't have any fertility issues. Which clearly isn't the case with me.
Or the other one, similar to what you said "someone's cousin's sister in law had her first one at 45. So don't worry! It can happen". I had to explain to my mother in law one night that the idea of going through another five years of this torture was enough to send me to the looney bin. She hasn't mentioned it since.
My current favourite is that we are on our way to sorting the problem out! Yep! on my way to a whole load more shit. Thanks.
Glad you survived.
You are so right - people (esecially women I find) try to say things they think will be comforting. BUT often in the mad rush to provide "comfort" the foot comes up too high and gets sucked into the air intake hole at the front of the head.
Far better IMHO to validate the difficulties faced by the person instead of brushing them aside with "don't worry"s or "it could be worse"s.
Cheers Bottoms Off
HFF, I'm sure there is still plenty of fuckwittery left.
Quite Xbox, quite.
I wouldn't Carolyne. Ooof.
Nuts, I'm not good there were extenuating circumstances but I'm not quite up to sharing them right here.
Indeed Barb
I know Jane, it doesn't take into account that everyone is different. Its like saying my hairdresser has blue eyes and she can see perfectly. So?!
Secret D, sigh. That's all...
Corymbia, yes, I guess they are trying - however ill advised that attempt might be.
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