Saturday, 21 March 2009

A New Lexicon

A while ago I did an A to Z of 'helpful hints for getting pregnant' and I asked you, my readers, to contribute. This time I'm being more ambitious - and I still want contributions - but I am developing a whole new lexicon.

Just as homosexuals in London during the 1950s had polari, the Eastenders have rhyming slang and the Scots have their accent. Now we too can have conversations that, to the uninitiated, are uninterpretable.

Anti-establishment
The failure of a fertilised egg to establish itself in ones womb, resulting in a chemical pregnancy.
Context: “I keep thinking that I might be pregnant but turns out I am anti-establishment”

Baron / Baroness
A wealthy infertile individual who, by the power of a lots of readily available cash, is able to skip waiting lists and receive excellent fertility treatment in no time at all.
Context: “It feels like in the time I have been waiting to get test results Jennifer Lopez has managed to get married and have twins, but then I guess she is a baroness.”

Breasticles
The tickley feeling you get in your breasts which you mistake for early signs of pregnancy, although usually you discover that it was just your period coming on.
Context: "I've got these amazing breaticles at the moment, do yu think it is worth testing or do you reckon I'm just pre-menstural?"

(With thanks to Amanda from down under who is responsible for Corymbia's Mutterings)

Congress (CON-gress)
When sex for reproductive reasons fails to result as a pregnancy.
Context: “The amount we were shagging on honeymoon I felt sure I’d get pregnant. Turns out it was one big congress”.

Desist
To remove a cyst from ones womb.
Context: “So the Doctor was scrabbling around my insides with the dildo-cam when he saw a growth on my ovaries, so I asked him to desist.”

Demeaning
To explain complex medical terms.
Context: “The Doctor was banging on and on about HSG this and IUI that I was totally confused so I told her I just wanted demeaning". [You will find most Doctors are more than happy to oblige, in fact many don’t even need to be asked].

Exhale
An over-abundance of eggs produced by ones ovaries as a result in taking drugs to stimulate ovulation. Derived from the term eggs-hail.
Context: “Turns out they can’t do Interuterine Insemination this month because I exhaled.”

Foreplay
To receive a positive result upon urinating on an ovulation predictor kit.
Context: “Right I’ve done the foreplay so come on, do me”

Gesticulate
To make fun of a gentleman’s inability to produce viable sperm from his testicals.
Context: “No I’m not going to the pub tonight I’m fed up of John and Fred taking the piss and gesticulating all night”.

Gonads
An encouraging cry emitted by the male as he reaches the point of ejaculation.
Context: “That’s it, That’s it. GO-NADS”

Hedge fund
The cost in time and money you lot spend on maintaining the fluff down below prior for the inevitable poking and prodding by the medical professionals.

Context: "What with the recession we've had to make cut backs, but there is no way I'm giving up my hedge fund - a woman has to keep her dignity, whilst her feet are in the stirrups, somehow."

(Thank you Sir Xbox of Nappyrash for that one.)

Hysterical
The state of high panic a woman of reproductive age gets into when she hears her biological clock ticking in her ears.
Context: “Do you really want to marry him or are you just getting hysterical?”

Important
Inability of a male partner to rise to the occasion, at a vital moment e.g. when all the signs are that this is a perfect moment for sex resulting in a pregnancy.
Context: “Last night everything was going really well, I’d done the foreplay and everything then the husband decided he was too important to actually do the deed.”

(Thanks my little Belge Gi Gi, particularly as I know how busy you are just now, no blog to link to but a big round of applause going out).

Interview
To see the insides of your uterus on a monitor during an internal examination.
Context: “So I was lying on the couch with my feet in the stirrups when the Doctor gave me an interview.”

Jackass
To raise ones posterior, often with the use of a pillow, following sexual intercourse in order to facilitate the route the sperm has to take to reach the uterus. Much in the way a jack is used to raise a car.
Context: “As soon as he rolls off I jackass for 20 minutes or so.”

King
An expletive used by the cussing shy when they are particularly vexed following a doctors appointment.
Context: “I can’t ‘king believe it. The ‘king Doctor has decided that I can’t have ‘king insemination because I’ve produced too many ‘king eggs.”

Locomotion

Erratic movement by a woman of child-bearing age who, during her attempts to become pregnant suspects that she might be about to start her period.
Context: “Don’t mind her jumping up and down all evening to go to the loo, its just locomotion.”

Make love to the camera

To receive and internal scan by inserting a camera through the vagina into the uterus.
Context: “OK, just keep breathing it is time for your close up, so just make love to the camera.”

Menopause
A period of hiatus in your baby-making activity whilst your man gets over any cold feet.
Context: "I'm on the menopause at the moment, but don't worry it is only temporary whilst I talk the husband round."

Nomad
The kind of angry you get when you pee on a stick asking if you are pregnant, only to get a resounding negative.
Context: “God, I’m hungover this morning. I went nomad last night and ended up necking half a bottle of tequila – well, there was no reason not to.”

Nunnery
Collective noun for a group of women of child-bearing age, none of whom have children.
Context: "Look much as I like all these women I don't really want to join the nunnery, I'd much rather go out and get pregnant thank you very much."

Obstacle (pronounced Obstickle)
The ticklish urge to laugh whilst your Obs & Gynae is shoving a dildo cam up where the sun don't shine.
Context: "Once I got over the initial obstacle the doctor declaimed my ovaries ready for action."
(A late entry courtesy of the eponymous Overcoming Obstickles.)

One-liner
A negative result on your pregnancy or ovulation test.
Context: "I did a great one liner this morning. Honestly, my husband and I had tears streaming down our faces ... honestly."

(Anonymous in the comments, I have no idea who you are, but I love it).

Optimum
A mother who manages to time every thing to perfection, from their babies conception to baby's naps.
Context: "You can't even compete, she's at her optimum."

Overbite

The sharp pain that a few (about 1 in 5) women feel when their ovaries pop out an egg.
Context: “Oh, sorry I can’t come out tonight after all, I’ve just had an overbite so I’ve got to go home and lie down for 15 minutes … with the husband.”

Periodic Table
List of dates, duration and severity of periods brought to doctors appointments when discussing infertility options.
Context: "I am a bit concerned I'm not ovulating regularly, look, I bought along my periodic table to prove it."

Periodically
Irregular period that appear from time to time with seemingly no rhyme or reason
Context: "I periodically get really grumpy and a stomach cramps, but I can't plan for it cause I never know when it'll happen."

Proactive
The use of provera to bring on a period.
Context: “I know I have polycystic ovaries but I’m fed up waiting for a natural period, it has been 83 days already, so I’m going to be proactive about it.”

Quintessential
The desire, often by a baroness (see above), to get their family done in one go by having quinns for their first, and last, medically-helped pregnancy.
Context: “It is quintesessential this pregnancy. Once they are out I’m having a tummy tuck, boob job and the doctor says he’ll throw in some collagen implants ready for my yummy-mummy exclusive in Hello!”

Research
To look again at a problem.
Context: “I appreciate that you are simply marking off my inability to have children as unexplained infertility, but do you think you could do some research?”

Scantily Clad
Dressed in preparation for a scan.
Context: “I know I’m a bit scantily clad for work, but I had a Doctor’s appointment earlier.”

Self-important
Inability of a male to rise to the occasion when he is required to produce a sperm sample in a clinical environment.
Context: “He was in there but apparently the chatter of the nurses in the next room and the low-grade pornography on offer made him all self-important and he wouldn’t produce anything”.

Sex Appeal
Begging ones partner for sex once the ovulation test has signaled a fertile moment.
Context: "I'm worried I won't get pregnant this month again because I have lost all my sex appeal."

Splash Out
To urinate on a premium brand ovulation or pregnancy test.
Context: "I had to make certain that I ovulated before the IUI so, rather than use the cheap internet-bought tests, I splashed out on a digital ovulation predictor."

Succeed
Fellatio.
Context: "If you want success in your quest for pregnancy you can't succeed."

Teetotal
Giving up tea as part of a health kick to rid oneself of caffeine during fertility treatments.
Context: "No, I'll pass on a hot drink. I'm teetotal now."

Temptation
The desire to believe you are pregnant because your temperature does what looks like an implantation dip a week or so after you ovulated.
Context: "I told her not to give into temptation, but of course she did, tested, got a negative so now she is crushingly disappointed."

Temper Tantrum
An upset state of mind one gets into when, through charting ones temperature, one realises that you ovulated at a time when due to the movement of your partner / opening times of the clinic, conception is not possible.
Context: "The husband was supposed to be away for work for all week but I had a temper tantrum so now he has to do the three hour drive back on Wednesday night / Thursday morning."

Testicle
Small examination or test.
Context: “The doc said that before he pulled out the big guns and went for the HSG or anything he’d give me some testicles, so he just took some blood samples this time.”

Unicycle
A couple who upon deciding to that they would like to get pregnant achieve this during the first month of trying.
Context: “Emma got pregnant sixteen days after stopping taking the pill, she’s always been lucky I should have guessed she’d be a unicycle”.

Unisex
A couple who manage to get pregnant the first time they copulate without contraception.
Context: "As a couple we're unisex - we've had five kids in as many years, and that's about as often as we've managed to have sex."

Veritable
Very irritable. The irritated state of mind experienced by an infertile woman when they start to experience the symptoms associated with the onset of a period.
Context: "I use to think her normal PMT was bad, but since we’ve been trying to have a baby she becomes a veritable nightmare on a monthly basis.”

Wombat
The baseball bat shaped camera used to give and internal view of a womb.
Context: “I was lying there legs akimbo when she shoved a wombat up where the sun don't shine.”

Waiter
Someone who is in the two week wait between ovulation and finding out whether she has managed to get impregnated.
Context: “She’s a waiter, I saw her buy a pregnancy testing kit at lunchtime.”

X-factor
Otherwise known as unexplained infertility, it isn't male factor, it isn't female factor.
Context: "Yeah, 8 years and no kids, that couple definitely have the X-Factor."

Yesterday
A day when sex is assured as there are strong signs of a positive ovulation.
Context: “I can’t stay for a pint after work today I’m afraid, I’ve just had a call from the wife and she’s already done the foreplay and apparently it is yesterday.”

Zero Tolerance
The inability to cope with getting yet another negative result on a pregnancy test.
Context: “I don’t think I’ll bother peeing on a stick again, I’ve got zero tolerance for the result.”

So that's me spent.

But please, please add your suggestions, you are a creative bunch, so I'm sure you'll have some far better ones than mine (I was seriously scraping the barrel with some ... ahem ... nomad).

The rules are to use a common word or phrase but twist the meaning to be relevant to what we are going through, and bonus points if you can make the context work with both the old and new definition - even if it makes the sentence mean two completely different things.

There is a link to your blog in it. (And even if you discover this post way after it was written please keep adding!)



36 comments:

  1. Foreplay is my favorite, but I love them all.

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  2. Gonads has to be my favourite. Happy ICLW, I'm glad to read your eyes are settling in after the laser treatment.

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  3. Oh, I just deleted my message I think. I'm visiting you for ICLW, returning your visit to my bloghouse!

    Your list has me loling! Here's the best I can do for an entry, both 'c' words I've used recently.

    CLOMISSY...

    A medication (clomid, or any IF drug for that matter) induced pissy attitude that results from hormonal upheaval, hotflashes, mood swings, and a general lack of pregnancy.

    Context:

    "She smacked him upside the mouth when he told her to 'just relax' because she was feeling so clomissy."

    CERVICAL DELIGHT...

    The joy that spews forth from one's vajayjay each month that indicates where one is in their monthly cycle.

    Context:

    "What am I doing? Oh, just checking my cervical delight!"

    EVE

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  4. Those are great! Can't wait to hear N-Z. :) Glad to hear you can see!

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  5. Well this Scottish lass with her accent are loving these !!.... pure dead brilliant !! xx

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  6. Awsome ! you had me chuckling from A to M can't wait got the rest

    Great job

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  7. Hahahahaha
    Fall off my chair in delight
    I salute you, too

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  8. Bwahahaha.
    Interview is my favourite.
    WHY do Gynos tell you stuff when you've got no knickers on and have your girly bits pointing straight at them????

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  9. Hedge fund: The cost in time and money you lot spend on maintaining down below for the inevitable poking and prodding.

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  10. Hilarious and so clever. I will be thinking of additions. My brain can't think that creatively this early in the morning

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  11. Hilarious!You'll have to give me time though to come up with anything as funny as your lines...

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  12. I quite like foreplay too, Megan

    Ahh Serendipity, I find gonads a bit ugly – or are you talking about the definition?

    Thanks for the suggestions Eve, I didn’t explain this, so my bad, but I want to keep the lists of new meanings for commonly used words or phrases. But do come back with any more!

    Xbox, is that a two fingered salute? Loving the Hedge fund – it is in.

    Lea, yeah the sight is getting better all the time.

    Bubba, Cheers hen, now pass the bucky.

    Cysteract, brilliant name!

    Ifintokyo, my very own haiku, thank you.

    Corymbia, it is like dentists trying to get your life history with theirhand down your throat.

    Looking forward to any ideas you have, Parenthood For Me.

    Take your time Leo, but do come back with something.

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  13. Happy ICLW! I particularly enjoyed this post, having just had an "interview" this morning. What a lovely way to spend a Sunday. :)

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  14. Great post, I needed a smile.

    GL

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  15. damn, i should have married a baron! i guess i'll keep my husband anyways, he's pretty good!

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  16. lol... thank you so much for the giggle! I love the 'foreplay' definition!

    ICLW

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  17. Sadly as much as it very creative and tongue in cheek fun ... infertility is not but at least you keep your sense of humour exercised.I loved the fore play too !

    Here from ICLW...No. 103
    My Little Drummer Boys

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  18. Happy ICLW! I love this post and the A-Z of TTC! Made me laugh!

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  19. Bwahahahaha...this reminds me of the redneck dictionary Jeff Foxworthy put out. I love it.

    ~ICLW

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  20. hahaha...those are hilarious. :)

    iclw

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  21. Barefoot, I'm just seriously impressed your Doctor sees patients on a Sunday.

    theworms,sometimes a smile is all we have ..,

    katery, yeah all this time I'd been looking for Mr Right not Baron Right.

    Cheers, Mrs. Gamgee

    Hey Trish, no infertilityis no fun but I have to keep upbeat somehow.


    I'm glad you liked it Nic

    Kristin, I've not heard of Jeff Foxworthy I shall have to google him.

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  22. And Cady, our comments crossed, Glad you liked it.

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  23. I love them all but I think I love foreplay the most!

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  24. OMG, so what I needed today. Thanks for the laughs. "Jackass...." LOL.

    Looking forward to seeing the rest!

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  25. ICLW. This is absolutely brilliant - I can't even attempt to add anything - I love the hedge fund - so true!

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  26. Here from Creme - and I think Wombat is my absolute favorite. I actually laughed! :) Thanks.

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  27. One-liner: When you've received a negative result on your OPK or EPT stick. "I got a oneliner this morning, so we can take it easy today."

    (This blog post made my day. I badly needed a dose of IF humor.)

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  28. Some clomid-related ones...


    Clomidia.

    The condition of random mood swings while taking clomid.

    "My clomidia is acting up: I almost bit my DH's head off today when he told me his boss is expecting."


    Election

    There is no 'l' in the Japanese language, so you need elections to have babies in a Japanese household.

    "Husband-san, domo arigato for your election last night."


    Kuromi

    Also in Japanese, every consonant (except 'n') must be followed by a vowel. So Clomid is written as ku-ro-mi-du. Now, Sanrio has a character named Kuromi, who is the goth counterpart to My Melody (http://www.sanrio.com/characters/Kuromi). She is a trouble-maker with a pink skull on her hat. So...

    Kuromi is a woman on clomid.

    "I am sorry for putting a baseball bat through your laptop screen when I was fertile and you were trying to pay our medical bills. Clomidia has turned me into Kuromi."

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  29. Solid gold. Veritable is my favourite. And Clomidia from Mr Stickles.

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  30. OMG, I nearly pee'd myself laughing at your most wonderful lexicon, thankyou

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  31. I know I'm a bit late to the party but this is friggin hilarious!

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  32. This post is timeless. Love it. I have EC in an hour so I'm so nervous and it made me laugh. I'm a first time IVF-er. I have a habbit of referring to my doctor as the Easter Bunny which also helps me with my nerves. Good luc ladies x

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I've resisted word verification for ages but I'm getting so many spam comments at the moment that I think it is time. Sorry!