The government has announced a new stimulus package designed to increase the flow of eggs into the uterus' of women up and down the country. A spokesman said of the initiative, known as quantitative easing, that this "will encourage the circulation of eggs during a cycle, thus increasing the chances of coming out of this barren patch earlier than initially forecasted".
Meanwhile, the Sperm Bank of England has announced an all time low in interest rates as they fell for the sixth month in a row. The problem has been identified as a lack of perceived rewards for making deposits whilst there is still a high demand for withdrawals.
The Bank’s Governor admitted the news would be a "blow to consumers".
(An homage to the xbox4nappyrash school of journalism).