Saturday, 7 February 2009

Some Home Truths

Sometimes I lie.


Not very often. Never fear, I am not really a nubile pre-teen pretending to be a 32 year old infertile.

But sometimes it is easier.

Like, take escalators. I can't stand (no pun intended) just waiting in line like a zombie whilst the stairs churn you up and out the top. They are already helping you out anyway so why not walk up? I can't think of a single escalator in Edinburgh in the early nineties, as a consequence it was only when the husband moved down to London that he had to suffer my insistence that we sprint up every escalator. Eventually he tried to put his foot down, until I sorta, kinda, well, said that I was scared of escalators. It just slipped out.

It. Just. Slipped. Out.

Fast forward a couple of years. (Yes, years). I'm tired, my feet hurt, I can't be arsed walking up the stairs. I 'fess up. The look of betrayal he gave me still haunts my dreams.

Then there was the time I told him I was five hundredth in line to the throne. Of course it was a fucking joke! I mean what kind of idiot would take that seriously? Yes, I have a posh accent, but blame my school. And sure my Mum's maiden name is kinda regal sounding, but no one is going to believe that right? I mean, virtually everyone is in Debretts nowadays. Again, it was only a few years later when a mutual friend introduced me to someone at a party and told them I was in line to the throne that I realised he'd not only believed me but told other people.

Please note, he discovered the truth before we got married. I wasn't part of a meglomanic plan to take control of the country - "Only 500 'accidental deaths' and the crown jewels are mine, all mine." (His own crown jewels are quite good enough thank you very much).

Today, I was exposed as a filthy, lying bi-atch once more. I bought a whole heap of Christmas presents for various cousins and kids online, all from the same site. The order screwed up and was delayed so the gifts didn't get here until after the little baby Jesus' birthday. Amongst those purchased I bought one on my sister's behalf for her Goddaughter. I told her I'd send it on. And I meant to. Really. I wasn't lying when I said that I would. Just didn't exactly tell her that I hadn't got round to it.

Today we went to lunch with parents of the aforementioned god child and my sister. I shamefaced had to present the very belated gift then and there. So sorry Frog, it was my fault, don't blame the wombmate.

Oh and Wig, I've still got my Goddaughter's present (and your birthday card) here. But it is the thought that counts right?



9 comments:

  1. :) Glad to know I'm not alone in the half-truth thing.

    Love the throne bit - 500 "accidental deaths" really isn't that many, you know.

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  2. My husband lied to me about his age the night we met in a bar. I don't think he thought we'd start dating. I didn't figure it out for six months.

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  3. Hi, just read back on some of your post. I am sorry you are having to wait again and for the bad news you received. I am hoping the coil helps and you are ready to go come your june and july appointments.

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  4. You are 500th in line to the throne. You are. I've believed it for the last 20 years. That's the only reason I asked you to be Godmother....it certainly wasn't for your timely production of amazing gifts.....

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  5. Of course Leslie, they are ahem.. half truths.

    That sounds intriguing Megan, did he raise it or lower it. Do share.

    Thanks BFN, five and a half months and counting ...

    Hey Wig, um... I'll get it in the post this week. (Hopefully).

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  6. I did exactly the same thing for Xmas...guess our pants went up in flames!

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  7. Secret D, It is the new way of keeping the bikini line in check. Perfect for pre-doc appointment grooming.

    Phew, thanks Leo, I'm not alone.

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  8. I'll have to give it a go before my next appointment, it's like a jungle down there!

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