In the spirit of this over-commercialised, money-wringing for red roses, enforced love-in day, I have trawled back through the years and unearthed my favourite gems from the days before the husband. And a few from when we split up. And even one from during our marriage.Here is my top 8 (because I can't think of 10).
8
It is ridiculous how much money I earned last year. I mean obscene really. What's your name?
This is the worst, and the most recent of the chat I lines I have received. the guy in question may well have been a wealthy banker (soon to be moving to a cardboard box near you) but he clearly couldn't have much of an eye for bling missing both my engagement and wedding ring.
FAIL.
7
It was the 13 of February. He was a friend of a friend. I'd had a crush on him for a while - even sent him a valentines card that was in the post at that very moment (although to be fair I sent four that year). I'd gone out with my friend, his girlfriend and this guy. The friend and girlfriend had a massive argument leaving the two of us alone. We got steaming drunk. It turned midnight.
He used this line:
Will you give me a valentines kiss?
Yeah, that and more.
I've seen him plenty of times since, we've never mentioned it.
6
Ok, this one was one of mine, similar time to the above. One of the other guys I'd sent a valentine's card to. (What can I say, I was playing the numbers game as well as the field.) I was at his flat for a party. He barely spoke to me. I got annoyed. As I left I told his flatmate:
Tell your friend that he missed out tonight.
A chat up line by proxy. 15 minutes later he was at my door. We kissed. And you know how when you kiss someone you just know? You. Just. Know.
At that moment I realised that I absolutely, totally, irrevocably knew. I just didn't fancy him at all any more. Trying to manoeuvre him out the flat was, um, delicate.
5
Our mutual friends were trying to set us up. It was painfully obvious the way we ... oooops ... ended up sitting together. And as we started chatting everyone else at the table started subtly nudging each other (look, look, they seem to be getting on, quick look away pretend we haven't noticed).
Shall we give them something to really talk about?
He said.
We kissed. No one noticed. We went out for a while. He's the guy whose Facebook picture includes his two kids.
4
So are you going to seduce me then?
Chronologically this was the first chat up line. I'd just left my all-girls school. I never really had much interest from boys before.
And this guy was 22. Wow. Mature.
With those eight words he made me feel all powerful, sexy, cool. I dutifully obliged. No idea why, I never really fancied him.
3
So are you going to seduce me then?
Well, if you get a good line don't waste it. This time I used it on a boy I had liked for most of my teenage years. A year at university had boosted my confidence dramatically. I went home and sure enough it worked like a charm. Once again though, the first kiss pretty much killed the crush.
2
Do you remember the motto in Dead Poets Society? Carpe Dieum - seize the day. Well I'm going to seize the day just now. I really like you ...
One of my favourites. I was all - look he's just a mate, we like hanging out, of course he doesn't fancy me. The kiss changed everything, that kiss made me fall for him quite heavily. My first 'proper' boyfriend. The relationship didn't last long, the friendship persists.
1
Have you got a light?
The top spot of course.
Happy Valentine's day all!
And those who didn't answer last time, go on, what are the best lines you've had?
oh thats funny...
ReplyDeleteoh golly there have been a few belters !!
In the U.K the guys are trashy and not classy ..
- heres 20p call ur mum and tell her u wont be home tonight - slap.
- do u sleep on your stomach, No well can i ?? - slap.
- Do you like the flintstones?? Yes, good cos i will make your bed rock !! boak !
How do you like your eggs in the morning??
yes they are imaginative in sunny Scotland !. xx
Ones that worked:
ReplyDeleteFirst boyfriend - 'Do you want some twiglets?' (no, but I do want you). (no, I did not say it out loud. I smiled and said I preferred crisps. Oh, the soul-shattering wit).
Nearly boyfriend who would not leave his girlfriend, who he 'hated' for me, despite the fact I was 'perfect for him' - compared me to the White Goddess from Robert Graves' works on writing and mythology. I later made the mistake of reading the White Goddess for myself. My God. Lucky escape there. But at the TIME, whoa, nelly.
Second boyfriend - 'You remind me of Enya.' (WTF? Clearly worked, as I promptly shagged him, but, WTF?)
Third boyfriend (H!), as we watched our at the time respective boyfriend (see above) and girlfriend flirt and muck about - a shared deep sigh and wry smile.
Inappropriate person 1 - 'You have such a beautiful little mouth.'
Inappropriate person 2 - While I was having my ear talked off by some other git in a pub, 'Here, why don't you have a go ay=t talking for a change?'
Inappropriate person 3 - 'I love your eyes when you smile.'
NB - I did not necessarily get very far with all the inappropriate people. Just, their chat-up lines worked.
On the FAIL side of things:
'I'd love to see what those look like without the bra holding them up' - (tough. You ain't gonna).
'We could always go back to my place and screw.' (or I could stay here and finish my drink in peace).
'I bet I could make you scream.' - (you are probably right. But not in a good way).
'Oy, darlin', fancy copping off?' - (no.)
And the night H referred to sex as 'baby-dancing' was very much the night he utterly failed to get any.
My verification word is 'wiltiest'. You couldn't make this stuff up.
I'm not sure if this is the best line, but...
ReplyDeleteOne time I was at a guy's house and he told me, "I'd really like you to see my penis."
It wasn't that impressive.
(John, to the strains of Tina Turner)
ReplyDelete'I don't want a friend, I just need a lover.'
Reader, I married him.
In response to the title...
ReplyDelete"No, the floor is always this wet..."
The nicest: on the street, guy approaches ‘I’m lost. Can you show me the way to your heart?'
ReplyDelete'Sure, but I must warn you I’m infertile’.
The worst: in a bar, guy approaches: ‘Wanna fuck?’ simulating felattio on a bottle.
'Sure, but I must warn you I’m a girl'
Hey Bubba, the majority of these were from when I was living in Scotland as well.
ReplyDeleteSome classics May. I've read the Greek Myths and I. Claudius but the White Goddess has escaped me to date - I will assume in retrospect not so good.
H sounds like that worked out perfectly (are the other two still together?).
And as for your Fails, what are they thinking. Really. Do they ever work?
Megan, was the line or the penis not impressive?
HFF, I wouldn't have thought both would be too much to ask for!
Always the cheap laughs, Xbox.
Leo, I would have thought the infertile comeback would only have been good - phew no come back. Like the come back to the sleaze. Probably took him a while to work out how he'd been dissed.
I was with my boyfriend in a bar. I had recently decided that he was a loser and was currently trying to find a way to break up with him. We worked in the same place so it was going to be tricky.
ReplyDeleteWhile he was off talking with friends, the hottest guy I had ever seen walked up to me and said...
"Is that guy your husband?"
Me:(giggling) "No way."
I married him a year later. He did pretty good for a pick up line!