Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Another year

17 years.

Over half my life.

I've been without you longer than I knew you.

But you are still there. I still have dreams when you are alive and it is like you have never been away. I wake up and try to get back to sleep, pick up where I left off. But you've gone again.

I don't cry as often as I use to. But I still remember. I still get in touch with my sisters without fail every 18 of Feb. I don't say why, I don't need to say why. We tell each other we love each other and we carry on.

Carrying on is what we have always done. Like going back to school and some semblance of normality just days after you died.

I felt guilty about that, but didn't know what else to do.

I wish you were here. That I could talk to you about what is going on. Us, your three daughters, conceived relatively shortly after your marriage are a pretty strong indication that you didn't struggle with infertility.

But that is one of the things about infertility, it is isn't hereditary. Obviously.

And just because you didn't have this particular problem doesn't mean you couldn't help. I would love to sit with you, a cup of tea and a Kit-Kat and just talk. And you of all people, a teetotal, fit, non-smoking mother of three teenage girls, you who died of cancer in your early forties, you would understand how unfair life can be.

But as you told me on numerous occasions, "Life isn't fair."

That and "Put your brain in gear before engaging you mouth." Not that I ever listened to that.


17 comments:

  1. Very similar situation here.

    I often wonder, probably incorrectly, if she would have been the one to make it all just okay.

    Take it easy on yourself right now.

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  2. I'm sorry. Take good care of yourself today.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have good memories.

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  4. I'm in tears.
    You really rocked me with this post.
    Thank you so much for sharing it.

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  5. Thank you for sharing. I'm moved by your post.

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  6. I'm in tears here too. A beautiful post. ((hugs))

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  7. I'm sorry. It really is so very hard.

    Thinking of you.

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  8. Tears here, too. Lovely post. Hope you are finding ways to take care of you.

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  9. Beautiful post. I wish it were different x

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  10. To you all, thanks for yourcomments - its been a tough few days and I really appreciate your support.

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