Monday, 9 February 2009

And breathe ...

Ever wondered why, whenever we dare the share the shameful secret of our infertility, we are told to 'just relax'?

Its it things like this, that's why.


*** Update *** I posted this in a fit of "Oh for fuck's sake". But, on second thoughts I'm back to try and explain why I think the whole relax thing gets to me so much?

Because part of me feels guilty. Part of me wonders whether it really is my fault.

Maybe because I knew I have irregular periods I was already half-convinced that I wouldn't be able to conceive.

Maybe I could be pregnant by now if I hadn't thought about it and just got on with it.

In a way discovering the endometrial hyperplasia gives me a way out. Look, here is the diagonsis, I have a 'proper medical reason' for not having got pregnant. It is science. Relaxing really wouldn't have helped.

Fact.

Or is it?

Could my thick womb lining be the result of a tense womb?

Have my negative thoughts manifested themselves in unshiftable womb-gunk?

Does anyone else ever wonder if it is really all their fault?

(Which then, of course, cycles back into a whole other beating ourselves up and not relaxing vicious circle).


17 comments:

  1. I have such a headache now. And the wall has a dent in it.

    So...should I ask my little sister to be my surrogate then??

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  2. I can totally relate. I feel the same guilt/worry and I don't think it's uncommon. I refuse to believe that relaxing is the sure fire way to get pregnant. It's ridiculous and demeaning to every infertile out there. Isn't dealing with this enough? We have to feel guilty too?

    Grrrr.

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  3. Tense womb! THAT'S what I've got! I knew something was causing the moods!

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  4. Oh, God, yes, it annoys me. ARGH.

    For the record, the one and only time I conceived (and a fat lot of good it did me), I was a boiling stress-cauldron trying to hold down a job, study full-time, and complete assignments for one too many courses as I am a time-management challenged DORK. I nearly ate my own leg in frustration and I sat on the stairs and howled at one point. Whereapon, ping! Pregnant.

    The cycle we went on holiday and had a lovely time? Nada. Pfft.

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  5. Guilt? Oh yeah.

    I put my husband off trying to get pregnant so that I could move to London for four months and then my career was too important to get pregnant. (But still, I'm only 31 now, so it's not like I'm that old).

    For the few short weeks that I was pregnant (almost two f*ing years ago now) I spent a lot of time wondering if I was really ready.

    Also with previously mentioned pregnancy I smoked up until the time I saw the positive prenancy test (only a couple a day, but...you never know).

    But I've come to terms with a lot of this. This fucking infertility thing isn't my fault, isn't my husband's fault. It's just one of those shitty things that happen to people.

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  6. I blame myself EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    When I have a bad thought about others falling pregnant, when I think to myself "it is never going to happen" - all of those things. I blame myself.

    I wonder if I've brought it on myself for being a shit when I was a teenager.

    It really sucks.

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  7. Oh holy crap. That's exactly the kind of thing that gets the myths up and running. Do you think if my husband relaxes it will raise his sperm count?

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  8. I get this totally. I get so mad when I think about the people around me who got pregnant easily and wonder, "So she must be really well adjusted, and more adjusted to life's adversities than me..."

    Please. That's during my irrational moments. Absolutely, I don't think relaxing makes a damn bit of a difference.

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  9. OK - I have only got to the link to *that* site so far ... Rest assured that I'm also thinking FFS when reading that link.

    Knowing what I know now, and being in the position I am now I can look back on that tough time ttc #1 and I know it wasn't anyone's fault. But at the time I blamed everyone and everything for the fact that we were childless. It was one of the most difficult times in my life.

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  10. I think everyone who has to deal with infertility struggles with these feelings of guilt.

    When you yourself cannot have what others seem to achieve so easily, it's very difficult not to feel as if it's all your fault.

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  11. Bad omen #1 - terminating a pregnancy at 15.
    Bad omen #2 - the top tier of our wedding cake blowing up when I decided to de-ice it, place it in foil and put it in a tin!
    Bad omen #3 - my aunt knitting me a whole load of baby clothes with a note inside saying that she wanted to knit them while she still could and that she hoped it wasn't too long before they were used.
    Bad omen #4 - panicking when I did get a positive pregnancy test, I started to doubt whether I was ready for it.

    We left it 6.5 years before trying and I think I have always had it in the back of my mind that we would struggle. Perhaps my negative thoughts have contributed.

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  12. WFI, I blame myself everyday for the unexplained. Everyone tells me I'm too negative and stress too often so I guess that means that I'll never be a mother in this lifetime?!And if we need to mentally be in the Maldives all the time, how is it that everyone else that is in the city and having a meltdown manages to get pregnant??

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  13. I posted about this a while ago. I'm getting this assvice from all and sundry these days. And it's not as if I'm a stress junkie or anything. So why does everyone assume that we haven't had a baby yet because I need to relax?

    Although I have done my fair share of beating myself up about it. If I didn't marry the wrong person first time around, I might have started trying to conceive earlier. I shouldn't have been so complacent about my age. Lots of those sort of thoughts, but I've just learned to let them go. Shit happens, is all.

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  14. Guilt?

    Lets see... how about watching your wife cry because she's scared witless to be wheeled away into surgery, only to find absolutely nothing wrong, so you put her through it for no reason, so it must mean that you just aren't 'man' enough to get her pregnant...

    No, no guilt here.

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  15. Sarah, don't go messing up another home now or your new landlord'll be suing!

    Lea, Dealing with this IS enough. I'm going to do my best not to feel guilty.

    HFF, Are you sure about that? Its not the thought of your neighbours delving about your blog that has bought on the moods?

    Nuts, A heartening disproval of the theory, I only wish it had ended better for you. (I think I may have just made up a new word which I'm going to keep - who needs rebuttal when you have disproval).

    Megan, bloody benefit of hindsight. (BTW I didn't know you lived in London did you enjoy it).

    S, if we were punished for being shits as teenagers there would be more than 1 in 6 couples infertile.


    Murgdan, No of course I don't think your husband needs to relax. But I find it very difficult to be so unequivocal about the source of my own infertility. I don't know why.


    Leslie, you are right lots of much less adjusted people than I (us) get knocked up all the time.

    Amanda, FFS is right. My original reaction too until my neurosis took over.

    Ms Heathen, at least I'm not alone!

    Oh SecretD, that is awful to blame not just stress but past deeds. Stop that right now!


    Leo, I think I preferred you being in Amelie than the Maldives!

    Jane, shit does happen. And hindsight, unfortunately, is always 20/20.

    Xbox, ouch. You can't share the blame. (you know 'cause that sort of thing is always healthy ... on second thoughts).

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  16. Sarah, don't go messing up another home now or your new landlord'll be suing!

    Lea, Dealing with this IS enough. I'm going to do my best not to feel guilty.

    HFF, Are you sure about that? Its not the thought of your neighbours delving about your blog that has bought on the moods?

    Nuts, A heartening disproval of the theory, I only wish it had ended better for you. (I think I may have just made up a new word which I'm going to keep - who needs rebuttal when you have disproval).

    Megan, bloody benefit of hindsight. (BTW I didn't know you lived in London did you enjoy it).

    S, if we were punished for being shits as teenagers there would be more than 1 in 6 couples infertile.


    Murgdan, No of course I don't think your husband needs to relax. But I find it very difficult to be so unequivocal about the source of my own infertility. I don't know why.


    Leslie, you are right lots of much less adjusted people than I (us) get knocked up all the time.

    Amanda, FFS is right. My original reaction too until my neurosis took over.

    Ms Heathen, at least I'm not alone!

    Oh SecretD, that is awful to blame not just stress but past deeds. Stop that right now!


    Leo, I think I preferred you being in Amelie than the Maldives!

    Jane, shit does happen. And hindsight, unfortunately, is always 20/20.

    Xbox, ouch. You can't share the blame. (you know 'cause that sort of thing is always healthy ... on second thoughts).

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  17. YES I wonder if it's my fault.. even though I logically know it's not. It's especially brought home when all my alternative medicine, healthy living, crunchy eating self could not regulate my cycles, but Metformin is slowly doing it. I STILL have guilty flashbacks to the glass of wine I had right before my chemical, and the fact that I picked up a bag of sand. I KNOW I didn't cause my chemical pregnancy, but damn if I don't feel guilty anyway.

    But the answer to all your other questions is NO. You did NOT cause it. Yes I believe that stress etc can make conditions more difficult, but I do NOT believe they cause diseases and disorders that are only indirectly stress related in the first place. Besides, the stress to cause a disorder would have to be unbelievably chronic or intense.

    Stepping down off the soapbox now.
    xo

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