Monday, 19 January 2009

Itemised

Item - a few bits and bobs to share but nothing worth its own post. This posts format is an homage to another blogger who I always enjoy reading. Remember copying is the highest form of praise or something. Points for anyone who can guess who I am parodying.

Item - still no bloody period - is that tautology?

Item - spent the weekend away with one of my closest friends we had a spa (no pregnants allowed in the sauna - bliss), massage and lots of food.

Item - fell off the wagon at the weekend (did I mention we got a free glass of champagne at the spa and refusing free booze goes against every fibre of my being), also after last week I figured a) I could do with a drink and b) looks like my body isn't going to become a vessel any time soon so the odd unit of alcohol wouldn't do any harm. (I didn't over indulge as at all so it was a considered step off the wagon rather than a spectacular fall complete with flailing arms and random drinking injuries).

Item - was feeling pretty please with myself for not stressing to much about the results of the biopsy (when should come on or around Thursday) - cocky one might say

Item - then I had a conversation with a work colleague who is due in April she clearly felt she had spent too long talking about herself and impending motherhood so asked me the question, "So are you going to have children". I replied "I don't know"

Item - it hit me that the answer wasn't a lie or half-truth. For the first time since, well ever, I am starting to doubt whether I will actually be able to conceive. I really believed that a few drugs would sort me out. But now feel like I genuinely don't know if I will have children.

Item - I got an email this afternoon entitled "The reasons [my girlfriend] wasn't drinking at Christmas". Opened to see 12 week scan picture (like I couldn't guess that was coming) and for the guys, just in case they didn't get it, "we're having a baby."

Item - actually felt a physical jolt of pain. But managed to hold it together for a quick one-sentence congratulatory response.

Item - he had so nearly got it right too. But just not my work email. Please.

Item - am so touched by the personal emails I have had from both my real life friends and those from the internet offering me support. Cheers guys.


18 comments:

  1. Wow. You had a busy weekend. So glad you got a chance to relax at the spa. I get what you mean about starting to doubt you will have children... I keep trying to push away that thought. I'm not ready to think about that yet.

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  2. *blush*

    Many, many hugs to you. The whole 'I don't know if I will have children' thing is a socking great wall of ice to slam into. Your grace and courage are admirable. Look after yourself. Am thinking of you often and hoping very much your insides come right.

    Also, work email? Oy. Yes, a brownie point for trying, but minus several hundred cool points for the WORK email. Sheesh.

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  3. Item - May is positively delightful to read, I wish she didn't have to waste her quips on this nonsense though.

    Item - Really not knowing, sucks.

    Item - I hate those happy happy announcements. For what they are, and for making me a jealous, spiteful prick.

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  4. Ugg. What kind of dumbshit sends an e-mail like that and to a work address no less.

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  5. It sounds like you've got some really good people around you to help keep this week calm.

    Thinking good thoughts for you this week.

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  6. Ahh spa and wine bliss

    Argh ultrasound announcements, like you needed the extra visual.

    I vow to never put up one of those baby tickers on my blog if I ever get there its kinda the same thing for me
    but I am clearly unbalanced

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  7. I keep pushing Megan.

    Thank you May, I'm just hanging on til I get the results now, hopefully it'll thaw the ice wall a little.

    I know Xbox, but May is a generous soul.

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  8. Probably Batty, the kind of dumbshit I would have been had I got pregnant within a few months of starting to try.

    Yeah Amanda I do have a lot of people to keep me sane (ish). Thanks for your thoughts.

    PiB I too have decided not to put a ticker on my blog should I get there. Course that might all change when/ if it happens.

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  9. Oh god I didn't mean this nonsense here as in this blog, I meant wasting her talent on writing about this miserable subject as opposed to fun stuff.

    Yes, I'm a numpty.

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  10. Really Xbox, you disappoint me. I thought you were just having a digs after all the digs I have had at you! I think it is indicative that I wasn't in the slightest bit offended that I don't take a single word you say seriously any more.

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  11. I'm used to disappointing women.

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  12. And by that I mean disappointing them through my (in)actions, not that I'm used to women who are disappointing.

    Lord. Stop me.

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  13. People who send group emails with ultrasound pictures should be shot. Well maybe not shot, but given a swift kick in the shins. Mind you, if these losses had never happened to us, I would probably have been one of those over enthusiastic pregnant people. You gain a lot more sensitivity around that kind of stuff once you have experience infertility or loss. I certainly wouldn't be passing the scan photos around if I got pregnant again.

    The spa weekend sounds like perfect therapy. Hang in there hon, praying in my own semi lapsed Catholic way for you :o)

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  14. I no longer receive email announcements with scan pictures attached as most of my friends are on to their second so they aren't as excited and eager to share. I'm afraid to admit that I would probably have done the same if I had fallen pregnant in the first year of trying.

    On an alcoholic note, I think you deserve all the wine you can stomach this week. I hope you don't have to wait too much longer for the results.

    P.S It's good to hear that you are obsessive as me when it comes to searching for successful ttc'ers on the Internet.

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  15. I keep receiving email announcements even from those friends who are on their second pg..AND I still receive emails from friends who comment on my IVF as "That's life!"...just don't get it.I think we deserve all the wine we can have this week WFI...

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  16. Jane, I remember ages ago getting a scan pic announcement where someone had added a wave and 'hello' and thinking that was cool I'd do that when I got pregnant. Changed my mind about that now!

    Secret D,I always feel a bit sorry for the second ones, not getting the same excitement, but has its blessings for us.

    Ahh Leo, you aren't so lucky as Secret D. Glad I'm not getting slated for being back on the booze.

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  17. So sorry about STILL no period. You feeling ok?

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I've resisted word verification for ages but I'm getting so many spam comments at the moment that I think it is time. Sorry!