Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Gym'll Fix It

I would describe myself as curvy.

By curvy I don't mean the internet euphemism for fat. I have hips, yes, lovely big boobs, of course, but smallish waist, um, thin wrists, oh and no unsightly neck rolls. Do you get the picture? I am within my BMI (top end, but I'm top heavy so I figure that's ok).

However, that whole eating my ever-increasing body weight in pasta on a daily basis during my holiday hasn’t helped. It has enhanced me to the tune of a quarter of a stone. And quite frankly, something has to go. And that something is either going to be buttons pinging off my trousers or my own flesh and blood. I’m not sentimental. The flab has to go.

Also, polycystic ovaries tend to be aggravated by being overweight. No, aggravated is not right that implies some kind of action. It is more like a bit of flubber turns ovaries into some kind of warm, duvet-like cocoon that the eggs think, "hmmm nice and cosy in here why would I want to ping out there on a monthly basis, ovulation be damned."

The daily walks with the dog are more like gentle strolls than the power-walking, fat-burning, arse-toning, hip-jiggling stuff that beach bodies are made of.

I use to be a member of a gym but, same old story, went masses, didn’t notice a change, got bored, stopped going, but kept my gym membership for a good few months – it is, after all, important to have something to waste your money on, and this was way before I started acupuncture.

So I figure this has to be a fantastic time to join a gym. What kind of moron joins a gym in December? January is gym-joining month. And with this whole global financial meltdown I reckon people must be tightening their belts round their ample stomachs and cancelling their gym memberships. There has to be some good deals going.

This is what I did. I went to my local gym. I requested to speak to the membership officer. I ensured I was hustled into an enclosed room. Just me and him, no witnesses. No one need ever know what I was confident was about to happen.

I asked how much the monthly fees were.

He told me.

I smiled. (I have a winning smile.)

“But I’m assuming,” I whispered conspiratorially, “that what with this credit crunch, there’s got to be some deals going”.

He looks me in the eye. I look back.

He smiles. My face is cracking with the amount of smile-age.



So I have the choice, live as a lard-arse or fork out £79 (note how clever they are with numbers, some people might not even realise that is just a gnat's fart off £80) a month for the privilege of sweating away in their basement, windowless, gym.

Hello, elasticated waistbands.


  1. I find you hilarious....I just bought workout DVD's and do them in the comfort of my own home. No monthly fees, no gas driving to and from the gym, they are mine to keep so when my excercise routine ebbs and flows I'm not really out anything and I can pick back up where I left off, and I can buy several of them for the price of 1 minths gym fee... Gym rates are ridiculous...not really sure just how much E80 translates into US dollars, but we have the same thing here.

  2. Crapping hell. 70 quid a month gets you membership of our super-duper prestigious spa down the road. Seriously posh. I pay 19 quid a month for the council-owned lesiure centre, which has a lovely view of... ok, the multi-storey. Gyms don't cost that much to run, surely! Sounds like there's a gap in the market for a reasonab;y priced competitor.
    WEll done for tackling the tight clothes.

  3. Dang! I bet you'll get a deal next month. Meanwhile, enjoy the elastic. ;)

  4. first off, that's a shocking price, thats what, €110 or so?

    I donate €40 a month to an excellent one here.

    Gyms DO have deals, they ALWAYS do, recommend a friend, sign up for 24 months and get a reduced rate etc.

    I say keep and eye out, you'll get better than that.

  5. oh I really really do want to join the gym in December too...I so badly need to do it. I think if you'd have said there were really some fantastic deals I might have gotten up off my ass to go join.
    Oh well. Maybe inspiration will strike me in a few days....
    :-) Good luck!

  6. Well, it was a good idea in theory anyway.

    Maybe spending almost E80 per month will be motivation - I still have the gym membership tag on my keychain to the gym I belonged to (notice the past tense) two years ago.

    There's just something about belonging to a gym (or pretending to). Ha ha.

  7. I hate gyms, so I bought a really cheap elliptical trainer on Craigslist and I've finally started using it (1 year later). I love it! I put the computer in front of it and watch a tv show online. Without even knowing it, I've done 40-60 min of exercise!
    I've also discovered sparkpeople.com, where you can find lots of exercises and nutritional advice for free. I've lost 5 lb in 2 weeks :)

  8. Thanks, Amber (laughing with me not at me I hope, oh sod it I'll take anything I can get laugh away) could DVD's.

    HFF, that's central London vs Shakespere's country for you ...

    Lea, Yeah January has to be incentive month.

    x, that is 92.77 euros, 117.93 US dollars and 183 Oz Dollars. (Tipping my hat to xe.com). The problem is it is the nearest gym, so whilst I could probably find cheaper I would definitely not go rather than probably not go.

    Murgdan, a new commentor! Welcome. Just had a shufty and I'm liking the cut of your blog.

    Leslie, Theory I'm good at. I could probably do the key tag thing too, that'll make me feel better / perpetually guilty.

    Gaby, Another new commentor, what's going on? And I know it's easy to make excuses, but I live in a small flat I don't really have the space for a trainer. And actually if I really wanted I could at least do sit ups on the sitting room floor. As it is its so much easier to give up. No. I will battle this.

  9. I don't do gyms, I think they are the pits. I don't mind exercise classes, often cheaper and more fun.

  10. £80 is a bit ouch alright. I pay €45 per month for ours and it's quite a good gym with a 20 metre pool and jucuzzi/sauna/steam room. When I actually do use it, which I have done for the past six weeks or so, I really do see good results so it's well worth it.

    I'd second sparkpeople.com. I was a member there for a few months last year and found it very good for guidelines on nutrition and for tracking your food intake and exercise.

  11. Secret D, my plan was the gym does classes, but I don't seem to be able to get one without the other.

    Jane, Right that's it, I'm moving to Ireland. Got a spare room?

  12. I walk it off ...sometimes I eat after the walk (so I start again tomorrow).

    It isn't funny but they call a women's only Gym here 'CURVES' - LIKE WHAT THE ? maybe it attracts more people than Bones.

    Give them time - gym memberships will be the first to go when the money runs out and it is a choice between gym and eating.

    Then they might be begging for business.

  13. Yeah Trish, I've seen you step counting on your blog. Very impressive.

  14. In my preGI issues experience diet is more important than exercise for losing weight. My biochem prof calculated out how much one would have to run or something to burn off weight and it is quite a lot. Exercise of course is good for the health and can help with losing weight, for me it helps me keep mine steady since I would be described as sticky not curvy, all the curves went to my baby sibling!

    I am a water aerobics junkie myself, I am not sure how much I pay since the membership thing is paid through my student fees. Good luck finding something that will work for you and within your budget!


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