Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Bought to you by the letters A to Z


Acupuncture - folk swear by it, sometimes lots of little pricks help the big one get to work properly.


Booze - stay well clear, I know red wine has anti-oxidents but on this occasion it is all bad.

Caffine - see above, turns out there is no fun to be had (I didn't mean to make this rhyme!)

Douche - I kid you not, I read: 'a helpful tip to become pregnant is to use a baking soda douche at least one hour before intercourse at the time of ovulation. This makes the vagina alkaline, which is ideal for the sperm.' I just can't help thinking that for the husband it'd just feel like soggy seconds. And that's not nice.

Egg whites - I have never. I will never. Will I?

Folic Acid - not strictly for to help you get pregnant, but vital for a healthy pregnancy.

Grinning - get use to it. As soon as you start trying to have a baby all of your friends will suddenly announce their knocked up state. And you will have to grin and bear it. Again, and again, and again. (Thanks Amber, Between the Lines)


Horny - people are more flirty and attractive to the opposite sex when they are ovulating. So if you are finding everybody unusually appealing and you feel like ripping the overalls off those builders down the road, then it's likely to be your most fertile time of the month! (Thanks Victoria)

Intervals - it is counterintuitive but lots and lots of sex isn't going to work any more than none. You need to let the little spermazoids recuperate, regroup and revive between each blast. Its usually recommended having sex every two to three days rather than every day. Unless you have several men on the go - we women don't need to hang around.

Just Adopt -
Apparently, if you adopt a child you are bound to fall pregnant! Like babies are contagious, or something. Arghhhh! (Word up to Secret Diary of an Infertile for this gem)

Kununurra Falls - Nicole reckons this is why she got up the duff, we're planning a ttc conference there, you in?


L
ake of the Pregnant Maiden in Langkawi, Malaysia. Apparently it's another one of those swimming spots that's good for getting women up the duff. (Thanks, Jane aka Lacking Expectations)

Missionary position - let gravity do the work for you, give the tadpoles a fighting chance.


New House -Maybe it is the change in Feng Shui or the fact that you have to christen every room when you move in (don't you?) but lots of fertiles will knowingly recommend this as a sure fire way to get pregnant. Credit crunch? Forget it.
(Thanks once again, Jane aka Lacking Expectations)

Orgasming whilst Ovulating - When climaxing the contraction of the muscles apparently helps suck the little swimmers up there all nice and deep, combine that with actually ovulating and you should be there .. should be. (Thanks to Paint it Black and Amber, of Between the Lines)

Pillow under your butt - see 'M', just twenty minutes of proping yourself up after each sexcapade, to allow gravity to help those swimmers on their way. (I calculate this is approximately four times longer than the actual event!)


Quit trying - Kinda on the lines of just relax. You see our problem is we just are so obsessed with getting pregnant we can't do it. So as soon as we stop trying it'll happen. Of course this presupposes that a) we continue having sex but manage to fool ourselves into believing we aren't trying and b) everything is hunk-dory in the baby making department. Ooooh it makes me angry!
(Once again, cheers Jane aka Lacking Expectations)

Relax - don't get me started on this one ... the most common bit of advice anyone'll give you.
It is incredibly infuriating, not least because as soon as anyone says it the last thing you are is relaxed.

Sex - almost goes without saying, but it is kinda important, unless you'd rather the ...


...Turkey baster.


Underpants - keep 'em loose and the spermazoids cool.


Vitex Agnus-Castus - apparently this is good for PMS and Polycystic, but I have to say I haven't tried it myself yet so this isn't an endorsement.


Womb for Improvement - I don't want to big myself up, of course, so only because Xbox4Nappyrash suggested it and I am but a martyr to my commentors. And, lets face it, there is no better place for erroneous advice and generally talking rubbish. (Except maybe X's blog himself).

X-rated - hmmm... gone are the days of adventurous sex, rather than swinging from the chandeliers you're more likely to be proffering a positive ovulation test and demanding satisfaction.

Yoga - deep breaths, downward facing dog and conceive.

Zinc
- mainly for him, good for the little swimmers, and therefore good for us. If only I could find a fool proof way to stop him forgetting to take them.

All done, thanks to all the commentors who waded in with their tuppence worth. I now have the definative list of how to get knocked up. Should be easy now.

Remember kids, this is just for fun! (And these aren't substantiated - anyone who tries to follow all these will become a quivering, infertile wreck, yeah, kinda like me).



20 comments:

  1. Oh how fun!
    Orgasm- heres a fairly comon one floating around. The contraction of the muscles at climax apparently helps suck the little swimmers up there all nice and deep.
    I know you said no brand names and P is already taken but gotta swear by Pre-seed. Easier than a baking soda douche.It worked for me and others I know of-at least to get the egg fertilized, I cant help with the rest of the pregnancy I'm no good at it!

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  2. O could also be Ovulation. It does help, after all, to Ovulate when attempting to get knocked up. You know, ideally.

    H - heat. Not good for your boy's boys. Keep 'em out of hot baths and tight pants.

    G - grinning. You'll find many times when all you can do is grin like an idiot at the newlywed who just announced her honeymoon pregnancy.

    Cute list!

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  3. L : Lake of the Pregnant Maiden in Langkawi, Malaysia. Apparantly it's another one of those swimming spots that's good for getting women up the duff. I was there many moons ago, but as I was not in the market for baby making at the time, I didn't try it out.

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  4. W - Womb 4 Improvement of course...!

    I laughed at the egg white thing, we were flicking through a book the other day and laughed at it as we skipped past. Both of us returned for a more serious look within the hour.

    Jane - really? theres talk of a Malaysia holiday next to see friends...Hmmm

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  5. Paint It Black and Amber, torn on the whole 'O' so used both.

    Amber, I've used the heat thing on the underpants one just now so holding out for another H, but like your G.

    Jane, like it, like it a lot.

    X, Moi. No, I couldn't possibly, really, no. Oh, OK then. So, are we moving our conference to Malaysia now?

    The others, come on, nearly there, just H, I, J, N and Q to go. Surely five more people read this shite?

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  6. Well I've got 2 friends over there who've moved into a house that takes her 90 minutes to mop, so it MUST be big enough for a conference...

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  7. nope, no one else out there before I get the next one in:
    H is for HOPE
    hope like hell
    hope is hell
    HOPE

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  8. Thought of another one:

    N - New house, new baby. Apparantly moving house is supposed to do the trick.

    Could we do a two leg conference? A stopover in Malaysia and then on to Australia?

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  9. We've tried the new house approach too.

    That was one of our more expensive attempts.

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  10. J is for Just Adopt. Apparently, if you adopt a child you are bound to fall pregnant!

    I like Jane G's new house, new baby. We have been trying to move house almost as long as we have been trying to conceive!

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  11. Another one!

    Q for Quit trying. As in "My sister in law's cousin's hairdresser's auntie was trying for twenty years, and when she quit trying, bingo! She got preggers straight away. So you've just got to quit trying" (I usually feel like decking people when they come out with this one)

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  12. H is for horny! Apparently people are more flirty and attractive to the opposite sex when they are ovulating. So if you are finding everybody unusually appealing and you feel like ripping the overalls off those builders down the road, then it's likely to be your most fertile time of the month!

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  13. Xbox, being the slovenly housewife that I am I don't mop, so I have no idea whether 90mins mopping is a lot or a little. (I always get distracted half way through).

    PIB, Thanks, I’m gonna go with Victoria’s ‘H’, as shes new, and we like to be inclusive. Although I was very tempted with Hump ‘n Hope.

    Jane, You’re on fire! Definitely going with the quit trying. The New house, in this day an age. I reckon that’s not something many of us can do for a wee while what with this credit crunching. So I’m going to hold out for another N.

    Secret D, of course! the old babies are catching argument.

    Victoria, A new commentor, Welcome. Horny it is.

    Just N & I left now.

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  14. All I know is 90 minutes is a football match, that's a lot of mopping.

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  15. I can't think of any more pearls of wisdom at the moment, but I just want to point out that this post is the first time I have seen a paragraph headed "Horny" sitting alongside a photo of the cast of Sesame Street.

    My poor Granny would be rolling in her grave (she introduced me to Sesame St when I was five).

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  16. Barb, F has gone, come on I or N.

    Jane, we clearly don't look at the same websites. Isn't muppet porn big in Ireland?

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  17. No, you have just broadened my horizons. I'm picturing Bert & Ernie in gimp masks now...

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  18. Love this, it made me smile which some days is difficult.

    Amy x

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