Sunday, 31 August 2008

Lady Luck

I don't buy lottery tickets very often. But occasionally when I've had a rubbish day I convince myself my luck is due to change, or if a couple of fortuitous events have happened I figure I'm on a roll and buy a ticket.

And every time, without fail. I just get a sneaking suspicion that I'm gonna win the jackpot. That gut feeling that I'll tell friends years later "I just knew".

I make elaborate plans based on that weeks jackpot, where will I buy a house, how much will I keep and how much to give away. Can I live off the interest of 2 million for the rest of my life? Will I get a dog and a baby seat in the Citroen DS I plan on buying? Difficult, absorbing, questions.

I have never once won anything, not even a tenner. But despite the odds being massively stacked against me, by buying a ticket I have a chance.

At the moment I test for pregnancy on a weekly basis. I haven't had a period for 71 days so am pretty certain my womb has given up and there is no way I'll be pregnant. But what if an egg has slipped out and we fertilized it without even noticing? Maybe that's why my period hasn't, arrived.

And those three minutes are loooooong. I work out when the baby will be born. I think about what I'll say to the husband when I emerge from the bathroom - will I be nonchalent or will I scream?

But if clutching a lottery ticket and checking the numbers is the equivalent of the two week wait. The random testing, just in case when I don't seem to have ovulated since March, is the equivalent of finding a screwed up ticket on the street after the draw and checking those numbers. It is not going to happen, it is a waste of time. It is...



Negative.

And if I had you going, thinking maybe this is an elaborate way of telling you that I got a positive. Then, I'm afraid I did it on purpose. Because in a very low key way it is this feeling of anticipation followed by disappointment that assaults me every weekend when I check just in case.


*******
The random pictures are from the beautiful wedding we went to yesterday. It had a VE day village fete feel. Keeping with the theme they had a raffle. Once again I just knew I'd win something. And once again nothing!*

*Mental note, blind optimism isn't working. Must try a different tack.


12 comments:

  1. Damn! You get me every time! I was holding my breath all through your post just awaiting the word "positive". I know how you feel...the odds of getting pregnant this month for me are pretty much nill, but I know I'll talk myself into believing there's a chance over the next 48 hours or so. Blind optimism doesn't seem to be working for me either...I think I'm just going to accept a 'glass is half empty' kind of perspective about this whole IF thing, it still doesn't soften the blow every month, though.

    Also, by the way, I had no idea you were "pissed" while writing your post last week. I thought it was brilliant, as usual! :)

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  2. You get me too! Every time I read one of these posts I am sure that it is going to end with an announcement.

    I know how you feel, every month I think "what if.." and every month it is negative. I wish the hope and anticipation and excitment would go away and I could just forget about it but that just isn't the way it is unfortunately.

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  3. oh man.

    I really don't know how you stay sane with the crazy cycles.

    Having said that, isn't it that wee hope every time, despite how silly you feel afterwards, that keeps you going the next time, and the time after that , and the time after that.

    Nice post.

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  4. I am the same, constantly dreaming of winning the lotto, preferably the Euromillions (I'm a greedy cow at heart!). This long cycle must be head wrecking.

    Lovely photos BTW. You have a great eye for a picture.

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  5. The endless cycles drive me absolutely barking mad too. And there is peeing on sticks for no reason and swearing when they sneer negatively at me and I tell myself to leave it and then next week rinse, repeat...

    My sympathies.

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  6. I just don't understand why they won't put you on Provera and then clomid. Why are they making you wait until you start your period on your own?

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  7. Ms Laine, Sorry, what can I say I'm a tease...

    Secret D, I don't want the hope to go away but I wish I could chill out a bit too.

    Xbox, you think this is sane?!

    Sarah, he does that to me too, gets to blogs first and says the right thing .. grrr

    Hi Jane, yeah I didn't say that a poxy 2 million doesn't really do it for me either, its usually a quadruple roll over before I buy a ticket! Turns out beggars can be choosers.

    Nuts, we'll get through it together!

    Pixy, its been too long! I was wondering about you the other day (whilst watching the Ghost Whisperer) I figured you must have stopped reading because you got pregnant - any news?
    Anyway in answer to your question being reliant on the NHS means you take appointments when you get them (waiting list usually around 2 months) and in between time you just carry on - because not having a period isn't doing any damage you just have to keep waiting. Next appointment 25 September.

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  8. True, just kidding myself that any of this is sane I suppose.

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  9. Beautiful wedding photos!

    Good analogy. I got tired of wasting tests, so I now know what my general BBT is and if I check it a few times in the AM and it's too low for luteal phase or pregnancy range, then I know not to test.

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  10. Hope will get you every time. I go back and forth between hating it and needing it. It's pretty fun. Not really. :)

    Good luck with your appt. on the 25th. You must be going crazy.

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  11. Barb, I have never got the hang of the temping thing, it seems to be all over the place anyway.

    Fertility C, I guess you are a different person to Barb (same name as her blog). Thanks for the wishes but as I found out today the appointment is likely to be postponed. Damn straight I'm going crazy - see Xbox told ya.

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