I don't buy lottery tickets very often. But occasionally when I've had a rubbish day I convince myself my luck is due to change, or if a couple of fortuitous events have happened I figure I'm on a roll and buy a ticket.
And every time, without fail. I just get a sneaking suspicion that I'm gonna win the jackpot. That gut feeling that I'll tell friends years later "I just knew".
I make elaborate plans based on that weeks jackpot, where will I buy a house, how much will I keep and how much to give away. Can I live off the interest of 2 million for the rest of my life? Will I get a dog and a baby seat in the Citroen DS I plan on buying? Difficult, absorbing, questions.
I have never once won anything, not even a tenner. But despite the odds being massively stacked against me, by buying a ticket I have a chance.
At the moment I test for pregnancy on a weekly basis. I haven't had a period for 71 days so am pretty certain my womb has given up and there is no way I'll be pregnant. But what if an egg has slipped out and we fertilized it without even noticing? Maybe that's why my period hasn't, arrived.
And those three minutes are loooooong. I work out when the baby will be born. I think about what I'll say to the husband when I emerge from the bathroom - will I be nonchalent or will I scream?
But if clutching a lottery ticket and checking the numbers is the equivalent of the two week wait. The random testing, just in case when I don't seem to have ovulated since March, is the equivalent of finding a screwed up ticket on the street after the draw and checking those numbers. It is not going to happen, it is a waste of time. It is...
And if I had you going, thinking maybe this is an elaborate way of telling you that I got a positive. Then, I'm afraid I did it on purpose. Because in a very low key way it is this feeling of anticipation followed by disappointment that assaults me every weekend when I check just in case.
The random pictures are from the beautiful wedding we went to yesterday. It had a VE day village fete feel. Keeping with the theme they had a raffle. Once again I just knew I'd win something. And once again nothing!*
*Mental note, blind optimism isn't working. Must try a different tack.